Facing the Relatives

When the whole "failed adoption" thing happened, I was happy that all I had to do was send out a mass Facebook message to all 4 people who knew what was going on, including my mother. I didn't want anyone to ask me questions or bring it up with me unless I brought it up with them first.

Two months later, I still don't really want to talk about it with much of anyone besides a couple close friends.

So I was a little worried when we were headed to the in-laws house for Christmas. I didn't want Oscar's parents to ask me questions or try to talk it out with me.

It turns out that I didn't really need to worry about those two things...just a couple comments from the mother-in-law that made me feel like she was blaming me.

For example, she started pulling out all of this fabric that she bought, "Look at this fleece I bought. Isn't it perfect for a baby girl?"

"Yeah, that is super cute. I love fleece baby blankets."

"I also got some cute fabric for dresses. Wouldn't this make the perfect little girl's dress?"

"That is so cute!"

"I don't know what I'm going to do with it now though. Hopefully Dee(my sister-in-law)'s friend Michelle is having a baby girl."

Oscar says that she didn't mean anything by it....I'm not so sure.

I was helping her clean up the living room for company and I found a cute little babies blanket and I said, "Oh wow, this is so cute. Where did you get it?"

And she said, "Well, I had to get stuff for that little girl but I guess it is going in storage now."

Maybe I'm crazy or super sensitive right now but it really felt like she was mad at me for "losing" baby {M}.

I was helping my sister-in-law go through fabric for our friend Michelle (she is actually {M} from the Thanksgiving story) because Dee loves making her friends stuff for their babies. We found these fabric projects for the fabric baby books. Dee said to her mom, "Oh wow, these are so cute!" And she said, "Well, which ever one of you gives me my first grandchild gets them."

Ummm...I'm not racing. I told Dee that if I did by some miracle get them first, she could totally have them when she has a baby.

Luckily those were the only real awkward run ins in the baby department.

2 more months before I am officially INFERTILE!!! *Balloons and streamers!!!*

2 months before I am officially in the infertility club. Only one year of TTC and I'm already so tired of this ride. Oh well...the BD hasn't been too bad....At least, Oscar isn't complaining.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Years!

Grateful for None

Pretty much the only time that I'm really grateful that I don't have children, is when I'm traveling. Watching people struggling in the airport to not go crazy trying to juggle all of the stuff that they need, makes me think, "Wow...I'm so glad that I don't have to add that to my traveling stress."

I used to think that if I ever thought something like, "Wow. I'm glad I don't have kids right now", that God would say, "Fine. You WON'T!" But I'm really starting to let go of those superstitions. I think that it's okay to think that. To be grateful of the situation that I'm in.

Oscar and I are already planning a trip to Mexico in June...and I think that I will be happy that I don't have children with me then too. I'm going to enjoy the time alone as a couple to travel.

One of my goals for the New Year, isn't to get pregnant, but to let this be some of the happiest years of our marriage. I don't have any control over getting pregnant, I've discovered. But I do have control over how much I fun and adventure I have with my hubby.

So for today...I'm so glad that I don't have children to juggle in the airport.

On a Lighter Note: Joe

Joe is my most...ummm...colorful Church child. The most ridiculous and amazing things come out of his mouth sometimes.

Last Sunday he helped me realize that I'm totally ready to be a mom.

He has to go to the bathroom and so we headed down to the bathroom. He is old enough to take care of "business" himself which is awesome. He came out of the bathroom rather quickly and so I figured that he hadn't washed his hands but I wasn't sure.

Here is the conversation we had.

Phoebe: Joe, did you wash your hands?

Joe: Yes.

Phoebe: Please don't lie to me. Did you wash your hands?

Joe: YES!

Phoebe: Hold out your hands.

(I figured that if he has washed his hands they would be cold and/or wet. I touched his hand.)

Phoebe: Lets go back in the bathroom and wash your hands.

Joe: HOW DID YOU KNOW!?!?

Phoebe: I'm not a mom yet, but I'm in training.

I suddenly understood how my mother seemed to always know when I was lying...I wasn't that smart yet.

Another gem was when we were in, what we call, Singing Time. It is when we sing about Jesus and those sorts of things. While we were learning a new song about Christmas, the chorister asked, "What action do you think we should do for "In Bethlehem"?

Joe seriously STOOD UP and said (with actions), "We should hammer nails in His HANDS!"

In his defense...we had been talking about the crucifixion in class. One of the children had asked how Jesus died...Apparently he was paying attention.

Grateful For the Time Together

Oscar and I have so much fun with each other. I know that when we have children, we will still have tons of fun together but I think that right now, I need to focus on how fun it is with only the two of us.

When Oscar and I first got married, I was planning on waiting at least 3 years before having children. After awhile I started to think, "Wow...three years sounds like such a long time. I don't know...maybe I will want to have children before then." It has been a year and a half and it has gone by so quickly. I'm so happy that I married my best friend. We have known each other for 3 years now and I have had so much fun with him. Even if it takes awhile for us to grow into a family of 3, I'm glad that I get to spend the "meantime" with him.

The Worst Dreams....

....are the ones you don't want to wake up from.

I had a dream like that last night.

Oscar and I were on a road trip to see my family and I went into labor. We stopped at a hospital and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I sat there holding him for what seemed like hours as we drove. I was trying to think of a name.

We got to my parents house and we showed them our new baby. They were all taking turns holding him and they kept asking me what his name was.

Zachary. We'll call him Zack.

I love that name. I've only met two Zacks in my life and they were both awesome guys.

I wanted to remember all of these details from my dream but they are leaving now. I remember giving him to someone to hold but they lost him and when I woke up, I was still searching for my baby boy.

I've been awake for a couple hours now...and I still want to go back. Back to my missing baby boy.

Every time I have dreams like this, I think that it is a message from God, telling me that I'm pregnant.

But it's not. It never is.

I Could Totally Do That...And Better!

Do you guys ever look at other parents and think, "Oh my gosh, they are totally messing up that kid! Why aren't I a mom? I would be the best mom ever. My kids would be so well behaved."

Yeah...I do that every Sunday. When I'm teaching these children at church I do it all the time. Somethings are simpler, like, "Why didn't she brush her daughters hair?" But somethings are bigger issues, like, "Wow, I would never home school for this reason."

While I think about this, I also think, "Maybe God is waiting to give me children when I'm more humble."

A couple months after finding out that I had PCOS I started doing this horrible thing...want to hear it? (I'm so glad that only one person I know in RL knows me.) I mean, this is REALLY prideful.

When I see people with kids, I look at the adults with them and decided whether or not I think they "deserve" kids.

Like if the man is wearing a wife beater and looking scuzzy...I think, "Wow...he gets to be a parent."

Or if some woman is walking through a mall with her kid in a stroller and she is talking on the phone, I think, "That poor child is neglected but that awful woman."

Some of them are positive. I see some people and I think, "I want to be exactly like her."

HOW SUPER JUDGMENTAL IS THAT?!?!?!?

Today was one of those days where I thought, "There is a ton of stuff you need to work on before you become a mom." I mean...come on. It is NOT my job to decide who gets what kids and when.

On a Lighter Note: Pippen

I read a great quote the other day that I totally agree with.

"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."

I'm scared that this blog lends itself to sadness. Since it is my outlet for sorrowful and frustrated feelings, it sounds like I never laugh. Like I never love my life.

But I do. I love my life. My family and friends blog is full of things that hubby and I are up too. Things that make us happy and make us laugh.

Here is one of my favorite things right now.

Awkward Moments

Yesterday was a total reminder to me why you shouldn't try and adopt a baby from someone that you knew from high school.

At the time, it seemed like it was destiny. {C} was pregnant and didn't know if she could keep the baby and was going to adoption agencies trying to find a couple to place her baby with. She wanted to place baby {M} with someone that she knew...and then there was me.

But now it is over and everything is awful.

The worst part is that everyone from my high school knows her too and they want to talk about little baby {M}.

Of course I know {C} had her baby...but I can't say, "I know. She was going to be my daughter." People bring it up in conversation and ask me if I have seen pictures of her, ask me if I knew, try and tell me about her divorce.

Some people say to never adopt from someone that you know. I don't know about that. But I would say, never try to adopt from someone that all of your friends know.

Tomorrow I will try and post something a bit happier.

My Thanksgiving Story

Well, it has been said before by many people in the IF community that the holidays are the worst time for us because it is so family oriented.

This Thanksgiving though, I decided to get together with my family that are close by and some friends that didn't have anywhere to go for dinner. It was still a pretty small group of 6 but it was nice to all be together for the holiday.

We ate at 2:30pm and it was amazing. At 4 though...everything kind of turned. At 4, my friend {M} announced that she was pregnant.

I'm happy for her. I don't want you guys to think that I wanted to throw her out of my house for getting knocked up but ...it wasn't something that I really wanted to think about just then.

The next 3 or 4 hours was spent calling all of her family and friends on skype and making the big announcement. So...there I was. Sitting on my couch with a piece of cherry pie listening to the "I'm pregnant" song, followed with the chorus of "That is so wonderful! We are so excited for you! When you are you due? How has morning sickness been? When will you find out if it is a boy or a girl?"

She is a wonderful person and her loved ones have a right to be happy and want to celebrate with her but it was just so hard guys.

One thing that got me through though was thinking, "I'm so going to blog about this. The ladies will love this CLASSIC story."

I would have been happier for her, I think, if her and her husband had at least been trying to have a baby. But no...it was a surprise. And "surprises" seem to only add fuel to the "if you stop worrying about it, it will just happen" fire.

I'm so excited for Christmas. I'm sure someone else is secretly pregnant right now too.

My Last List of Thankful

I really left all of this to the last minute!

16) I'm thankful for my mother. I'm so glad that I talked to her to yesterday when I was trying to make sure Thanksgiving happened at my house.

17) I'm thankful for policemen who work on Thanksgiving and can come to the aid of people in trouble. I'm just not so grateful that I had to see them last night when my friend got in a car accident.

18) I'm thankful for the internet...for so many different reasons but today it is because I can do Black Friday shopping without getting murdered.

19) I'm thankful for double paned windows so that I can be warm all night and not have a crazy electric bill.

20) I'm thankful for old enemies that can turn into new acquaintances (because we were all stupid in high school anyway.)

21) I'm thankful for a husband who supports me in all my dreams and totally believes in me even when I don't. I know I already said Oscar but I seriously love and appreciate so many things about him.

22) I'm thankful for dog sweaters...because whoever thought of them has a great friend in my fur baby Pippen. He can play in the Utah weather all he wants now.

23) Food. Last nights food was amazing!!! I don't know about you guys but life wouldn't be worth it in the winter if there wasn't pumpkin pie. There should always be pumpkin pie. That's a breakfast food too, right?

24) People who are willing to drive an hour and a half to spend the holiday with me.

25) Blogging buddies!! Because it is nice to know that I have people who understand what I am feeling and are on my side. You are all so great to me.

26) Jesus...because, come on, He is pretty awesome. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my faith. It is seriously so amazing to have a Heavenly Father who listens to me and cares about me...even if He doesn't answer my prayers right away.

I hope you enjoy todays post because...tomorrow I'm going to tell you a story about my Thanksgiving that is mostly sweet but a little sad.

Happy Holidays guys! Drive safe!

Not Glad Sunday

Lately I have been realizing that I'm a bit of a control freak. If people (especially my poor husband) aren't doing something the way I think it should be done or want it done, I get really irritated. I think sometimes, I'm a bit hard on my kids at Church. But not in this story.

On Sunday, one of the kids, we'll call him {T}, needed to go to the bathroom. He had been misbehaving for an hour already, being a total pill. Running through the halls, hitting other kids with a folder, taking things out of my bag and playing with them without asking...you get the picture. Not what I would expect from a 5 year old.

I take him to the men's room and stand outside waiting for him. He is a big boy and can take care of himself. The door that I was standing outside of has a window. The window is bubble paned so I can't "see" anything but I can see what is going on inside when {T} isn't at a urinal or in a stall.

After a couple minutes {T} comes back into view. And he is running up and down in front of the stalls and climbing onto the sink. At first, I thought that he might be looking for something or trying to figure something out but after a couple more minutes, I become convinced that he isn't really doing anything. So I crack open the door and yell, "{T}, I can see you through the window. Stop it and come out."

A man walks past me into the bathroom and says, "I'll get him."

I hear {T}, "I need a paper towel. I can't reach."

The man gets the paper towel and leads {T} to the door.

As I'm walking him back to class, this group of mild age men that have been standing near by start laughing and one says in a high voice, "I can see you through the window!" And another says, "Wait till someone is screaming at your kid."

And a man who my husband and I had talked to about our hopeful adoption (He and his wife have adopted 4 kids of their own) said, "Doesn't that make you glad you don't have any?"

No. It doesn't make me glad. Not glad at all.

The Last 6 Weeks

Maybe I'm a total bitch but I really wanted to write, "Being able to have a baby should have made the last six weeks worth it."

This is one of my friends who got married and about a week into the marriage she was pregnant. Before she got married she told me that she believed in the "When God wants to give me a baby, I'll have a baby" birth control.

I have a HUGE rant about that "form of birth control". But for now, I want to write about things that made my last six weeks worth it.

10) My in-laws. I have a great sister-in-law who is always so sweet to me. She helped me plan my wedding because my real sister is always too busy to help me with anything. She sits and lets me talk to her about the adoption falling through.

11) Soup!! I love soup and it is the perfect weather for it. It is the best friend that my belly could have.

12) Warm showers!! Whenever I have a cold, I hop in a warm shower. Anytime I have sore muscles, I hop in a warm shower. If I've been outside in the cold too long and I can't feel my toes, I hop in a warm shower. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a water heater.

13) My church children. They are so fun to see every week. I'm so glad that I get to hear their innocent thoughts on things. Yesterday they made thank you cards for the woman who plays the music for us. But one of the kids drew a pictures of me as an alien. If I was an alien, I would 3 mouths, 5 legs and curly fingers...just so you know.

14) My oven. I think I figured out why people bake cookies and things throughout the whole Christmas season. IT IS SO WARM!! I baked cookies for a party that I had the other day and I loved it so much!!! I get to stay warm and I get cookies. My oven makes me happy.

15) Netflix. I know...this one is kind of lame in the grand scheme of things. Netflix is super awesome though. Since I have been sitting in bed and moping most of the last 6 weeks, I have watched a ton of instant videos on Netflix. They are made of magic.

More Gratitude with Attitude

More Things That Are Awesome:

7) I got to see baby {M}. This was the baby that would have been my baby...that isn't. I thought that it would be awful to see her little face. I had to change my whole way of thinking to be alright with this though. I had to go from thinking, "That would have been my baby. My beautiful baby." To, "{C} is so blessed to have this little one in her life. I'm so happy that {C} loves her baby so much and would do anything for her. They are so lucky to have each other." {M} is beautiful...by the way.

Most newborns are GROSS!! I mean...little aliens. (Am I right? They need a couple days to...fix that...) But not {M}. {M} is perfect. She is perfect, like my babies will be someday.

8) My Little Brothers! They are awesome! Since my sister doesn't know where this blog is, I can speak freely. She is crazy. I love her but she is crazy. Like...made me change my wedding date because it was too close to her anniversary, crazy.

No one understands my sense of humor like my brothers do. We can laugh and talk for days on end. Trips with my brothers are great! I'm planning a trip next summer to Mexico with one of them. I can tell them about anything and they can turn it around and make me laugh. Happiest people that I know. I want to have lots of kids so that they can all be as close as my brothers and me.

9) My parents. They gave me an awesome life. My mom's goal is raising me was to give me a life better than hers and she has. Both of my parents have given me so much. An understand that Home really is where the Heart is. And my heart is my family. There is no foundation stronger than a good family. My parents also taught me that blood does not a family make. I was taught that amazing friends are family too. No matter what you were born into, you can make that strong family foundation.

Now that you all think that I am adorable...I will sign off. Some day you will probably find out that in real life...I'm not so nice. :)

On a Lighter Note: My Neck

Okay, so...this might not seem like it is going to be a funny story but I give you permission to laugh.

I have been struggling to get rid of this cold lately(I was enjoying the excuse to stay in bed and mope). Well last Monday I wanted some peached and cream to make me feel a little better (mentally...not physically. I realize that drinking dairy is bad for me while I have a sinus infection.) so I poured myself a bowl of cream and went to town. When my husband came into the room as I finished the last bites he said, "Oh my gosh! That is expired! Can't you see the chunks!"

I had not...I couldn't really taste it so I wasn't paying too much attention.

That night I got terribly sick. Everything coming out of both ends. Am I painting you a pretty picture?s

Long story short...I gave myself

WHIP LASH!

from puking my guts out.

That is right, ladies and gentlemen. I have been pretty much bed ridden since then from the pain in my neck and back. My husband's mother is a physical therapist and so she set me up really nicely. Pain killers and limited movement. Anti inflammatory and muscle relaxers.

Please...someone tell me that you have an even crazier/ridiculous accident story.

(Did I ever tell you guys about the time I broke my foot stepping in a gopher hole? I never said I was a role model.)

I will write about more things I'm grateful for tomorrow.

Picking Myself Up

It is time to pick myself back up and end my super boring pity party. Boo!!

I can be happy without a baby right now. I need to start focusing on all the good around me.

A couple days ago I was lucky enough to hear some people speak about gratitude and embracing the happy and rolling with the punches.

I'm in charge of my happiness even if I'm not in charge of my ovaries.

For Thanksgiving month, I thought that it would be fun to write about things that I'm thankful for. I'm going to try and do one for every day of the month.

1) My husband. Oscar is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm so lucky that he wanted to marry me.

2) My home. We were so blessed to be able to afford a home especially in this economy.

3) Oscar's job. He has such a stable job. And stable jobs equal sane wives. And that makes Oscar happy.

4) Our family. Both of us have really fun supportive family near by. We get to go and visit them at least once a month. It is so great.

5) My fur babies. As hard as they can be sometime...I love them. I love how fun they are and how cuddly they can be. I love training them and practicing their tricks.

6) The weather. Even though I'm not a fan of cold weather, I'm starting to enjoy the cold. It is perfect snuggle weather. Seriously...after all of the warm weather and my husband saying, "You are too warm! You're making me sweaty!" it is great to have some cool snuggle weather.

The Day That Should Have Been Great

{C}'s baby was born yesterday.

It would have been my baby's birthday.

November 2, 2010.

Her and I are friends on Facebook since we knew each other growing up. I can't decide whether to delete her or not. Part of me is curious...I want to see what this little girl looks like. I want her to post pictures. And on the other hands...it will totally rip me up inside.

Someday I will have my own baby. I know that. I wish that someday was closer to today.

Today would have been great.

On a Lighter Note: Boogers

Facts You Need to Know:

Church starts at 9.

I don't normally do my hair for church because... I don't want to wake up early to do my hair.

I normally wear it up so that it is out of my face.

In October, the children do a service in church were they sing and share small testimonies of Jesus.

In the Latter Day Saint Church we call it the Primary Program.

I hate sticky fingers.

My Story:

On Sunday we had the Primary Program and since I was going to be sitting in front of everyone sitting with their children, I decided to do my hair. It was one of the only times since January that I have done my hair. I straightened it and wore it down. It apparently was a bad idea.

I knew that kids could be distracted with anything...but I don't think that I understood to what extend. These three boys could NOT keep their hands out of my hair. I had two boys on either side on me and one boy sitting with my husband behind me. At one point all of them where petting me or pretending to cut my hair with their hands.

After church my husband and I had this conversation:

Me: I couldn't believe how distracted all of the boys were by my hair. It was insane!

Oscar: Yeah, I spend the whole time getting {T} to either get his hands out of your hair or out of his nose.

Me: WHAT?! Why didn't you stop him? He put that in my hair!!

Oscar: Calm down. He would eat the booger off his finger first.

And that is why Oscar and I are going to stop TTC!

Not really...but I thought about it...while I was in the shower disinfecting myself!!

Post Halloween Blues

Well...Halloween is over. Boy was it tough for me this year. I read about what some other people in this community said about Halloween being tough for them and I must agree. I mean, what could be worse then people ringing your door bell every 5 minutes and when you open the door it is, "Look at my adorable children!! We have so much fun doing family thinks together!"

Awesome...

Not to mention all of the functions in the community for children and families. This is a picture from one of our church parties. Do you know what I would love? Dressing up my little girls like fairies. That would be awesome.Possibly one of the worst pictures of me ever (!) but I was so happy that this little girl that I teach ({E}) and I both came as Tinkerbelle! My costume was of the last minute, thrown together variety but I love this picture of us together.

And there is no rule saying that just because I'm not a mom, I can't play dress up too!

My Church Children

In my church, people are "called" to do different jobs and serve in different capacities. To give of our time and our talents.

It is a pretty great system actually and keeps the church functioning.

Almost a year ago, we were asked to teachers for the Sunday school class for 4 year olds. It is a pretty easy gig. For 40 minutes we teach them about Jesus and have them color pictures and have them talk about their weeks. Then another 40 minutes keeping them quiet while they learn different religious songs and more about Jesus.

When my husband and I got this calling, the leader calling us to this position said, "We hope that while you have this calling you will gain more experience together with children and start to grow your own family."

Well, at the time, I didn't know that I had PCOS but I still thought, "Wow...that is totally none of your business."

Sometimes while teaching these children, I get really desperately sad. I love them. I really really love them. Each and every one of them. But...it is just hard, because right before we go into the big meeting for everyone, I have to help them find their families until it is only Oscar and I left.

The Sunday after Oscar and I found out that we wouldn't be expanding our family quite yet through adoption, I ditched out. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to see them. I didn't want them telling me about their lives or hugging me or wanting to sit on my lap.

I wanted to take them home and keep them forever.

They drew me a picture. It is covered in hearts. Really poorly draw hearts that look more like real heart than I'm sure was intended.

I wish that it wasn't so easy to love children. And I wish that it wasn't so hard to get one for myself.

Not Alright

I feel like I have been a really bad blog friend. I haven't been visiting you guys and I have been horrible about updating. For that I'm sorry.

Here's the scoop. I have been kind of avoiding this blog because I don't even want to think about infertility. While I was in Hawaii, I put all of this stuff out of my mind. (I "just relaxed" if you will.) I wanted to de-stress and get in a better place. Once I got back home though, I knew that it was back to reality. I had to talk with {C} about if this adoption thing was still going to happen.

Here is the sad news crew. Her ex-husband's mother wants the baby. We will call her {B} and you can imagine what that stands for. {B} has talked her son into taking the baby if {C} is going to place the baby for adoption.

So {C} is going to keep the baby.

I'm pretty devastated. During all of this, it was hard to not get my hopes up...to imagine what life would be like with a new baby daughter. I know that according to nature, I didn't physically lose a child. And I know that according to the law, the child was never mine...but I can't help but feel like I lost a child.

What's not fair, is that, the child is still alive...and will never know how much I loved it already. I will never be anyone to this little girl. She will live her whole life and probably never know that I wanted her so badly.

Even though I have a support system of friends and family, I don't want to talk with them about this. I know what they are going to say. "God does everything for a reason." "God has children that He will send to you in His own time." "You will be a great mom someday." "There will be other children." "Everything is going to be alright."

I don't want that. Is it wrong for me to want people crying with me and acknowledging that I lost a child and that for right now everything is not going to be alright?

Have I Done Any Good In the World?

A friend of mine in the RW (real world) is having a blog hop today and I thought that I would join in. This is the first time that I am letting any of my RW friends see my blog...so it is kind of a big deal.

I've wanted this blog to be my safe place and haven. I've told all my closest friends about the problems my husband and I have been having but this blog was a place for safe disclosure. So this is kind of a big deal.

The topic of her blog hop is "Have I Done Any Good in the World Today?" I don't know if I have done any amazing service in the last little bit but I might be hopping on that band wagon soon to help give me a little pick me up. (I've had some bad news lately that I'll share when I'm ready.)

For the sake of the blog hop though, I will write about some of the little stuff I have been doing.

I've been in Hawaii the last couple weeks (I know...I'm blessed.) visiting my husband's family. His grandmother is getting older and needs help doing some things. Most of the service that I have been doing recently was to help her out. Help her up stairs, walking onto the beach, washing dishes....but I love it because I love her. This woman is a grandma...inside and out. She is so wise and feisty and sweet and loving and crafty. She has so much to give to me that it really doesn't seem like service at all when I'm with her. It just happens because there is so much love there.

Doing a good turn daily is something I need to work on for sure. It isn't that hard to say something nice to someone or let them know you care about them. Sometimes that is all it takes.

I was watching the news the other night when they were talking about a man who saved a child who had been kidnapped and someone asked, "What makes him more likely to be a hero than any of the other people who saw this happen?" And the "expert" said, "He acted. He didn't just think 'it is someone else's concern, not mine'. He did something when he saw something."

That was so profound to me. I want to work on that. When I have an impulse to do something good or kind, I need to follow through.

The Phoebe Coaster

I was reading over at The Pitter-Patter about her roller coaster of emotions. It reminded me of a little episode that I had this weekend.

This past week has been really good. I have been trying to put the "maybe adoption" out of my head because I am so scared that it isn't going to happen. I was doing a really great job too. I felt fine.

In church my husband and I sat down next to a couple that we always enjoy talking too. They have a little baby girl that was being just adorable. I was totally fine with it. The couple talked with us and we were just joking and laughing and having a good time. The meeting started and so we went back to focusing on Church things.

About 10 minutes into the talks and sermons, the baby starts to get a little loud and giggly. Her mother and I were giggling a little bit too because, come on.... a loud giggle while someone is talking about there trials is so silly. I'm only human.

Then my husband leans over and whispers,

"We are going to have so much fun when we're parents."

And I lost it. I immediately teared up. I had to leave. Tears were running down my face and snot was making its way out. I didn't want to be sitting with that baby anymore. It hurt it much to hear the giggles.

Just like that I was a total mess.

My husband, of course, felt horrible because that was not what he was going for at all. He meant it with an air of hopeful and a confident "some day". Poor guy.

I'm so ready to get off my very own Phoebe roller coaster and move on to the next scary ride of "Parenthood".

Humility, Happiness, and Hope

I am so flattered that Jess from When the Music Fades thought of me when she was picking people to talk about hope and happiness. This is a really fun pass along award! What you do is post the picture and write about one thing that you are happy for at the moment and something that you are also hoping for. I'm going to warn you...it is going to get smarmy.One thing that I am really happy for right now are blogger friends and this great IF community. Technically, according to the doctors, I'm not even classified as Infertile. I'm in this weird conception limbo.

I had this blog before I knew what PCOS was. Once I found out I had it (7th months with no period and no baby bump...what was my first clue that there was a problem?) and started looking for people going through what I was going through, I felt so comforted to find such a large group online.

I'm so happy that this is such a welcoming community and that when none of the "fertiles" can give me comfort because they can only seem to get out the most awkward solutions to "my problem", I have all of you to turn to. (My mom totally told me today that if I adopted, I would get pregnant.) The best thing in the world right now for me is sharing all of my information with the world about my PCOS and not needing to worry about you telling me to "just relax" or that I'm "jinxing" myself by "trying to hard".

(How was that for smarmy? Wait...it is going to get worse!)

My hope... is that this community will always be here. I hope that pretty soon all of us (God permitting) will be gone from the blogging world while we take care of our respective children but I hope that this sisterhood (and brotherhood in some cases) will live on. I hope that when the next generation of infertile women need some guidance and assistance or a listening ear, that this community of strength will be there to help them until that BFP shows up and they get to hold that squirmy new born in their hands.

I totally won the smarmy award! As gross as all that was, I meant it. Today especially. Everything that I needed today, I got from these three people who I am nominating to pass this on.

Augusta @ All In One Basket

Amel @ Serenity in Chaos

Adele @ Delinquent Eggs

And so many more. I would have picked Jess but she completely got me first!

I'm totally humbled by all that you women have to offer and all the support that you have offered me!

Dear Universe,

I finished reading this post a couple minutes ago. I really like this idea. It reminds me of the book, The Secret, or something like that. My friend told me to read it once and went on in detail about it. He described it so well that I never got the book but like to pretend that I know what it is all about. (Any body else do this? I also quote movies that I haven't seen.)

I have a request for the universe too.

Universe, let {C} get in contact with me again. With good or bad news. At this point, I only want to stop the silence and unknown...at least a little bit.

That's all.

And maybe a pony. Just kidding Universe! On the pony thing...but the rest I am serious about.

Thanks!

And now I stop obsessing and relax. Augusta was right, I need to take this BD down time and relax for a bit. Instead, I think I will focus the rest of my universe energy on wishing her luck on Friday!

CD1 - September

After 102 days, I'm finally at CD1 again. As always, it comes with some mixed feelings.

I'm happy that it is here so that I can stop faking myself out. After 60 days I start to think I have to be pregnant. I'm getting over that since well...it has been happening for the last year and a half of my marriage and a long cycle isn't a sign of anything except PCOS.

I'm sad that AF once again wasn't able to get here on her own. I wish that I didn't have to wait more than 3 months for her to get here and I wish that I didn't have to trigger it with medication.

I'm irritated because I was hoping to time this better so all the "fun" happened while Oscar was on a business trip. Since we have been married, I have only had 4 other visits from AF so he is really not use to it.

Whether I want it here or not...it is what it is....Cycle Day 1.

Day Trip

I had a really awesome day! You all probably know that I have been stressing out about this "What If Adoption" that is going on with us right now.

Well, today was great because the hubby and I got to run up into the mountains and have a nice relaxing drive with the fur babies. It was so beautiful up there. I loved it.

This is a really crappy photo and I hope you will forgive me but it is the only one of me that whole trip. Oscar is awesome and I'm so glad that I have him to adventure with me. Through the good times and bad! I hope you all have a great weekend!

Looking For Signs

I know that I am not the only one out there who looks for signs from God that they are pregnant. But has anyone else found signs about adoption?

I've had two experiences so far that have made me feel like this is the right thing to do. I don't dare say that they are signs that I am going to get this baby girl but I want to believe that they are. (*shhhh...* knock on wood for me!)

I keep telling myself that this is the right course to go down even if we don't end up with this child. I am a person who believes that all things shall work together for my good. Whether it be to further my knowledge of the adoption process, strengthen my marriage with Oscar or place a child in my care. At night I try not to pray for this baby but that the spirits who need to be in this home to gain the most and grow the most from Oscar and I will find their way here.

Onto the two signs.

Friday night I was up thinking about if I would even know what to do if I had a new born baby. I started to freak out that I would be the worst parent ever. I thought, "Wow, I can't believe that I bought that 'What to Expect When Your Expecting' book so long ago and it is useless. I should go to the DI (Deseret Industries, the place where I got the first one for a $1) tomorrow and see if they have 'What to Expect the First Year'."

My husband and I went to the DI the next day. I didn't tell him why we were going but it is a fun place to look around and I had stuff that I needed to donate anyway. I wandered back into the book section of the store and the first book that I saw was "What to Expect the First Year". It was sitting there waiting for me to come and claim it. The only copy...just for me.

The second "sign" was Tuesday. Oscar and I were on a walk. We were talking about different things. The topic of buying baby things came up. Oscar is very against the idea of getting anything because he feels like it will make everything worse if this doesn't work out. I agree with him. But I am getting excited people! I want so badly to be excited for this! I told him, "I'll only buy stuff that we would have to get anyway for a baby. Because someday we are going to be parents right? And it could be in October." He said a strong no. (And I knew he was right. He is so right. I shouldn't be getting ahead of myself.)

At that moment, I looked on the ground and saw this.

A little hair clip perfect for a little girl. I scooped it up and put it in my pocket. My talisman.

I don't want to get to excited because I could be setting myself up for a world of hurt. But I want to believe. Faith precedes the miracle. Noah didn't build his boat until he say rain. Moses left Egypt before they knew where they were headed. And I want to believe I will get this little girl.

But having faith in this is one of the scariest things I have ever done.

Progress With {C}

Well, I heard back from {C} Saturday night. It looks like she is considering placing {Lil' B} (that's short for Little Baby...I haven't even begun to be hopeful enough to name this baby girl) with us. She has been interviewing me over the internet since, well, she lives in another state.

I've started talking with other people who have adopted to get an idea of what to expect. They have all been telling me pretty much the same thing. 1) Don't get to excited and tell everyone 2) Make sure the birth father consents and 3) Don't buy any baby stuff until the baby is in my arms.

{C} has started looking into starting up college again next semester which makes me hopeful that this is really going to happen.

We have started looking for adoption attorneys in the area and getting a home study done.

I've only told some close friends that are in the area so that they know what is going on and both Oscar and my parents. My mother might be going with me to get {Lil' B} at the end of October since Oscar might not be able to take time off with no pay. We are trying to make sure we have enough money for this so he is limiting his time off.

I'm still extremely guarded with my emotions. One of my friends I half wish that I didn't tell because she is getting so excited. I told her not to get any baby stuff for me and she agreed but it is all she wants to talk about now. I know she means well but it is a good thing we live an hour apart and are both busy.

Another friend of mine is being really great about everything. His parents adopted 3 kids but there were two kids that they fostered and after two years they were gone. His mother was really effected by that and he doesn't want the same thing to happen to me. He is excited...just cynical. Which for me, is good.

Ohio Wedding

Last month I got to take some more time off of my problems and go to a friends wedding. It was pretty crazy but tons for fun! I was so excited to see all of my old friends and catch up. Luckily none of them have babies and so it wasn't a constant reminder of what I didn't have.

Here are some pictures so you don't have to listen to me ramble about my friends.

As far as infertility news goes, I POAS and it was a BFN...so it looks like "relaxing" in August didn't really do it for me.

A Mini Waiting Game

Anyone remember two or so posts ago when I wrote about talking with a friend about an acquaintance thinking about placing her baby for adoption? Well my friend {P} talked to this woman {C} about it and she said that she will be thinking about it. Apparently she is/was going to meet with two other couples but she told {P} that she might feel more comfortable giving her child to someone that she knows.

We might be looking at a Private Placement Adoption here.

I'm waiting for her to contact me regarding an interview to see if she thinks it will work.

I'm still trying not to get my hopes up. There seem to be so many reasons that I can think of why she wouldn't want me.

We are friends on Facebook...and seeing me fill the page with the images of a child that once was hers...well...I don't think I could do it. Right there would be my reason for not giving me that child.

I am getting my hopes up a little. But isn't that the first step to love? Putting my heart on the line? I mean, if {C} says no, I will be sad but at this point it is just kind of a pipe dream. But if if if she says yes, I'm already one step closer to loving this little girl.

It is a hard game...infertility. Something that sounded so easy in theory...making a baby...turns into something so complicated.

In other news...it has been 93 days since my last cycle. I'm going to take some Prov-era once I get the courage to POAS (you know...just in case).

The Special Facebook Friend

We all have those friends who are always writing about their kids. We all know the people who put a big smiling baby as their profile picture because they want to show everyone what they made.

Well, I have a Facebook friend who didn't mean to have her boyfriend's baby but she did. And now she thinks that she is the captain of all moms ever. She writes about how other moms make terrible choices with their bodies. But then she will write about how she isn't judging anyones choices (because she would never do that).She writes about her amazing breast milk.

How much she loves nursing her baby.Oh and she is in a constant battle with Facebook over whether she can show nursing pictures. On her blog she writes about how she should be allowed to breastfeed where ever she pleases. Like walking to and from classes on her college campus. Or at a public park...at her wedding reception...Yeah, that pictures is totally on Facebook. Her and her mother made this dress for this specific purpose of breastfeeding at the reception.

Anyone else have a friend like mine they want to vent about?

Wishful Thinking

I had this acquaintance in high school who I have been keeping an eye on, on Facebook. We have tons of friends in common and we were always friendly with each other in high school.

Well, she has been going through a really tough time. I have written about her before. She married her summer love high school sweet heart right out of graduation...and he turned out to be a tool. He was horrible to her and of course, she got knocked up. Well he started hitting her while she was pregnant and so she left him.

I've been getting snatches of information from Facebook and her friends. Tonight I wrote to one friend, "How is {C} doing? I only ask because I want to adopt/steal her baby." He asked me if I was seriously and I said, "Completely."

He told me that her parents are really pressuring her to give up the baby and they will help her out. She was adopted herself (I knew that from high school and so I knew that this would be a delicate subject...so I would never bring it up with her) and so she doesn't really want to give the baby up because she knows how it is to be that baby. At the same time, she is at a tough spot. She either has to raise this baby on her own, or give it up to get help. She is only 20.

My friend said that he would mention my interest to her. I don't know if it will come to anything...and I wouldn't ever get my hopes up until her and I talk...but it is something to think about.

I wouldn't know the first thing about adopting a child. It hasn't really needed to be thought out that much by Oscar and I. I would be amazing for this thing to come to something...but at the same time I am very guarded.

Wishful fantasies of me...wishful fantasies.

Keeping Track

As you all know if you have been reading my blog, I have chosen to be really honest about my "condition" to most of my family and friends. When they ask me about when I'm planning to have kids, I tell them straight up what is happening with my body.

I had one friend who was the boom about it. She was adopted and her mother is a little crazy and once told her that she was a last resort. Her mother struggled with infertility for 10 years before choosing to adopt. This friend of mine knows the pain of an infertile because she had to live with a mother who never let it go.

On the other hand, I also have the friends who don't know any better and say things like, "I'm sure if you just relax." Sometimes I am hopeful and I think that when they start out, "There are tons of people who adopt..." that they are going to tell me about the miracles of adoption and how those children will be the same as having one on my own. But usually it ends with, "...and afterwards get pregnant! You should just relax."

Are you keeping track? So far at 6 months along in my infertility, I have 3 people who have said the exact phrase "just relax". 4 people if you count the mother of the girl who told me she got some "great advice" for me, from her mother. What's your number?

I Thought By Now...

When I first got diagnosed with PCOS most of my friends with babies said the same thing.

"It took us 2 months to get pregnant."

"Your aunt took 4 months getting pregnant with her first."

"My sister and brother-in-law waited 2 months."

"It took us almost 4 months to get pregnant. Just give it time."

"God knows best! It took us nearly 3 months."

The longest time that I was told was 6 months. My mother said that it took her 6 months to get pregnant with my last sibling. 6 months. That seemed like such a long time. I thought of all of the stuff that would be happening in those 6 months of waiting. I thought about 6 months+ 9months and figured out when I could be a mom.

It's been six months since I found out that I had PCOS. That I don't ovulate. In the last 2 years I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen AF. All I need is one finger to tell you how many times I have done that on my own.

Here is hoping that the next 6 months go by quicker so I can start working on getting pregnant with some help.

Some Pictures For You

I've been going through my pictures and taking new ones trying to build a portfolio for myself. I'm thinking that eventually I might want to turn this into a career. At the very least, it is something that I want to keep working on.

These pictures are from January.
These are some of the children that I teach on Sunday. They are 4 and adorable.

Medication- Glucomage

My whole life I have avoided medication like the plague. Even for a headache, I would never take anything. I would put a cool wash cloth on my head and take a nap.

I wanted my body to heal itself. I never wanted to become addicted or immune to any medication because I was scared that someday when I really needed some drugs to help me, I wouldn't be able to use them.

Now I am on Glucomage and I hate it. It has been 82 days since my last cycle and I feel sicker than ever. I don't think it is doing anything at all for me but making me ill. The side effects are awful and I don't think that there has been any change in me what so ever.

I'm so frustrated that I have another 6 months before I can be declared infertile and start on something that could really make me ovulate.

I wish that I could be one of those women with infertility who are trying this naturally. I am starting to think about it really seriously. I don't want to be sick the whole time that I am waiting to get pregnant. I want to be strong and fun and fearless. I want to be me again.

Should I really stay on medication that makes me feel this way? I don't want to be on bed rest before I am even pregnant. These should be some of the best years of my life. I don't want to spend them on the toilet.

Infertility DTR

I know for all of you infertiles out there the last thing you want to see are more acronyms but I have one more for you.

DTR stands for Determine the Relationship. I'm sure most of you have had DTRs with many people in your lives. It is the conversation that goes something like this. "What are we? Are we boyfriend/girlfriend? Are we just make out buddies? sex buddies?" Or "Where is this going? Are we talking marriage? Living together?" It was good before getting married to have these conversations to make sure that both partners are on the same page with things.

Now the Oscar and I are trying to start a family, we have been having what I like to call Infertility DTRs. We have to figure out if we are both on the same page in regards to our family and the relationship we have with our treatment options.

Last night we had a long conversation about adoption. It seems a little early to me since we have only been trying for 6 months and we have only been married for a year and 2 months. I was lucky to find out early about the PCOS when I was only 21.

It was so great talking with my husband late into the night about our feelings about adoption. I was surprised how different our views were about this topic. He is all about a closed adoption. I am all for an open adoption. He thinks children don't need to be told they are adopted until they are old enough to understand what adoption means. I believe that if a child always knows that they are adopted than they won't have to worry about a whole paradigm shift.

I also never knew how important have a child that is "ours" is to Oscar. I don't care where the child comes from as long as we can make it part of our family and give it a good life.

The last DTR like this was right after I found out about the PCOS in February. We should probably have them more often than six months but it was good to talk about all the stuff we have been thinking about. I'm so glad that I am on this journey with such a sweet wonderful man.

Even though right now we aren't on the same page with adoption, it is okay. We don't need to worry about that just yet. I'm sure the more we talk about it, the closer we will get mind set wise. Right now one thing is still clear, we both want to try and have a baby and help our family grow.

Post New York City Trip

Thank you so much to all the well wishers! The trip was amazing.

I got to talk with one of my friends about my PCOS which was really great. She asked if it was okay to talk about her son with me (Of course it is! I was there when the little guy was born!) but I did tell her that as long as she never says, "Just relax and it will happen." I would never be upset with her.

She was at a Blogher conference at New York City (Oscar and I went to split the cost of a room with her). I told her about the infertility blogging community and how wonderful it is. The next day she ran into someone with IF problems too. The world is so small when you are looking for people with IF. It is sad but comforting to know that we can have so much support from other people who have gone through all of this.

Okay, so onto New York City. You probably don't want to hear every single detail so I will just give you some pictures.

Time Square!! It is crazy that it can be the middle of the night and everything is almost as clear as day. A friend and I headed up to the top of Rockefeller Center on Thursday to get a good view of the city. It was amazing.
Friday was an awesome day since I finally got my baby back and into New York City. Central Park was awesome with him. We even got to see Phantom of the Opera that night. It was great to see so many shows while we were there.
Saturday was awesome too.
We had an awesome last night there all together. Dinner in an amazing restaurant and great company. Another night in Time Square. Sexy poses with my dear friend. And Sunday we had tours in NBS Studio.
It was great to get away for awhile. I loved taking my mind off of things and having fun with the man I love. I am so happy with my life and I'm so glad that I was able to embrace every single day of this trip.

Hopefully I will be able to start doing that for every day of my life too. Because, you know what? I deserve it!

Pre-New York City Trip

I have really mixed feelings right now about my trip to New York City tomorrow.

I am going to miss:

• Miss Wheelchair Utah Picnic ( I have a friend who founded Miss Wheelchair Utah and they have a picnic every year before they send off Miss Wheelchair Utah herself to the America Pagent)
• The 4 year olds I teach on Sunday
• The rest of my family's trip to Utah (They are going back to Texas on Saturday)
• My amazing fur babies

Things I am looking forward too:

• I don't have to worry about my fur babies messing up the house or training them
• I get to see my close friend who moved to Florida a year ago
• I get to see New York for the 1st time
• I will be back in a big city again
• My husband and I will get to put more stuff in our Adventure Book (Yes...I so got the idea from UP!)

The thing that is causing me the most sadness right now though is that all through March, April, and May I thought, "By the time August rolls around, I am sure to be pregnant." I thought that even after I was diagnosed with PCOS that it was possible for a baby to happen for us in just 3 months. Back in March and April and May and even June, I thought, "There is so much time until August. It is so far away and I'm bound to be pregnant by then, no problem."

August is here though. I couldn't stop it. But you know what?

This is going to be the best trip ever!

Question Out There For the Ladies

I was just wondering, have you ever known of anyone who a pregnancy test hasn't worked for? Like, when I got a negative before I knew about the PCOS but I hadn't had my period in months my mom would tell me that they never worked for her. She said that she was 12 weeks pregnant before they would say she was pregnant.

It is driving me crazy because I will POAS and get a BFN but I have this voice in the back of my head that says, "It might not be working for you!! You might be the 1% exception and you really are pregnant!"

And what about phantom pregnancy symptoms? I have been feeling super nauseous in the mornings and after eating and at night for the past couple weeks. I was really hoping for morning sickness.

But no...POAS tonight and it is a BFN. It has been 60 days since my last cycle and I'm starting to think that I should take some Provera and start over with my Glucophage. I stopped taking it about 2 or 3 weeks ago because I was waking up every morning with diarrhea and cramps all day long. Sorry for the TMI but it was super awful. My OB/GYN warned me that it has some nasty side effects and she was right!

A Bad Night

Sometimes I am really okay with everything. I tell myself that it is okay that we are having a rough time getting pregnant. I tell myself that it is still early days and there is no reason to start to really worry.

Some days I am fine with looking at pictures of my friends with babies. I am truly happy for all my friends and their children. I'm excited for people who are months away from their little miracles. On those good days, I really am all of those things.

Not tonight.

Tonight I am mostly heart broken. I don't want to be filled with self pity but today I am and if you will all just bare with me or skip this post it is fine.

*sigh* Maybe it is the baby shower invite that came in the mail today. Maybe it is the fact that is girl from high school announced that she is getting a divorce...and is pregnant with a baby she really didn't want. Maybe it is the post a friend wrote about how great it feels to finally be a dad and his pictures make me wish that I could do that for my husband. Or maybe it was the woman in obedience class who came with her 8 children (One of them a 3 month old that I wanted to snatch).

Nights like these I really can't help but feel like I'm broken.

Sometimes I wish it was as easy as not "wanting it so much". Because on my good days, I would totally get knocked up. But not today.

Coming Out and Saying It

When people ask Oscar and I about having children, I always go the 100% honest route.

"So, when are you and Oscar planning on having kids?"

"Now would be great but I have PCOS so we will see how that goes."

Or...

"When are we going to see some grandchildren?"

"Whenever my eggs decide to come out of hiding. With PCOS I just never know when I am going to ovulate."

This has actually started some really great discussions with people. I have found another girl, in one of my summer classes, who also has PCOS and a woman at church who had a miscarriage and needed someone to talk to.

I've also had some unwanted advice about this whole situation but mostly it has been a really great experience just being honest.

My husband is amazed with how many people open up to me about different things when they barely know me but the truth is, I make people comfortable by first putting myself out there.

People want to share their feelings and they want someone to talk with about their struggles. When I am the brave one first, I am able to be that for them. I would encourage everyone who feels comfortable talking about their struggles and even those who don't, to talk with someone about it. You never know who will surprise you with just the thing that you needed to hear at that time.

Mind Over Matter

Last night as I was trying to drop off to sleep I suddenly had this terrible urge to...a-hem...do the Technicolor yawn. (Don't get excited guys! It probably isn't any form of morning sickness...according to a pregnancy test three days or so ago.)

Usually when I feel nauseous I am able to talk myself out of it. I HATE throwing up. Oscar and I get into the argument all the time about whether it is better to vomit and stop the stomach pain and all feelings of needing to loss our lunch or to focus all my energy on not vomiting and suffering through.

I have always thought that it was a great skill, having this control over my vomit/not vomit reflex.

But last night it got me to thinking, wouldn't it be great if I could will myself to ovulate the same way that I can will myself to keep from tossing my cookies. It would be amazing if I could focus all of my thoughts on that one body system and get just one egg on its way.

Would you think that that would count as relaxing?

Get Away

I promised myself that the next post I did would be more chipper. I feel like every time I write it is to get out the sadness that is creeping in my life. But most of the time I am actually really happy.

My hubby Oscar and I went on a mini get away almost a month ago. Even though it is really just the two of us in the house (fur babies aside) it is good to get away from the normal routine and spend sometime away.

We just went 15 minutes away from our house into the mountains but it was beautiful. We found out that we live really close to a lake and that we could rent jet skis.

I bought a disposable water proof camera so that I wouldn't have to worry about mine getting wet. It was so fun to use film again. I haven't gone to get them developed but when I do, I will make sure to post them here.

I'm really excited for August because I am going to head out to New York City with some friends and take in the sights and then in the middle of August my hubby and I are going to Ohio for a friend's wedding. And at the end of August we might have a quick trip down to San Diego to visit some of my family.

I love how even when life is being difficult and not going the way you plan it, you can still plan for other fun. While Oscar and I can't seem to get pregnant, we are going to use the time together for tons of fun.

Even with all of the IF stuff, I still really love my life.

BFNegative-Month 3 1/2

My doctor told me to not take Provera while I am on this new stuff. She wants to see if my cycle can start itself with it. Since I could ovulate at any time, I am testing myself every couple weeks to see if I am pregnant.

About two nights ago I had a dream that I found out that I was pregnant. The whole night I got to enjoy telling people the great news. Oscar would put his hand on my stomach and talk to it. It was amazing.

When I woke up, I started to cry. I was so sad that it was all over and that none of it was real. The past week I have been trying to do everything possible to take my mind off of our baby worries. I have thrown myself into all of my work. All systems were at 110% so that I wouldn't have to stop and stress about this taking longer than I had hoped.

All of that work wasted by one nights amazing dream.

I started to think that it was a sign from God. That maybe it was a vision of sorts telling me that I was pregnant.

So this morning I POAS. Nothing. One hundred percent not pregnant.

Maybe I need to "relax" better next week. No working like a mad women...I could go for a massage.

Happiness For Others

When I was growing up, I had a Sunday School teacher who struggled with infertility. I only knew this because I would listen to my mom talking with her about it...it wasn't a subject in class.

This woman had been married for a few years and had been trying since they got married to have a child. Living in South East Asia, it was hard to get a good OB/GYN. Over Christmas this year she announced that she was pregnant. It had been about 4 years since I had seen her last so I knew that she probably spent the better part of the last decade trying to have this baby.

Well about three days ago that baby was born and the out pouring of love is incredible. Every picture of this baby has 50+ comments on it. Because we had all felt the struggles and wanted this baby so bad for her. I think we all feel like we were a tiny part of this baby. It was as if, all of the happy thoughts and encouragement that we have been sending her way, has created this child.

For babies that come easy or when they are "accidents" people celebrate but with either disinterest or sympathy. When a baby is wanted for years and made through struggle, everyone can only feel happiness. They know that that baby was made with total intention and more understanding of the hugeness that is creating life.

Sometimes, I think we are blessed for that.

Advice From Those Who "Know"

Don't you love that wonderful unsolicited advice? I have tried to confide in my friends what I have been feeling and going through and they have been alright about it. They don't know exactly how I feel but they have tried to listen.

Well one of them called me up the other day because she was talking with her mom about me and her mom had some "great advice for me". Because she would know...she had 4 kids from two different men that she isn't married to anymore...so she would also be great for marriage advice.

"Once you stop stressing about wanting a baby, it will be easier to have one."

"Tons of people have adopted and then gotten pregnant. I've heard stories about it all the time. And it is because they finally stopped freaking out about it. Instead of adopting, you should just stop freaking out about it."

I don't know why she thinks that I am so stressed out. I don't feel that freaked out about it. I've only been trying to four months. I mean, the doctors don't want me to get worried until it has been a year. I want to get pregnant really badly...but I don't think I have reacted "freaking out".

I tried to remember this post and it really helped me not bite her head off. I know that she was trying to be helpful. I just want to say, "Well if I knew it was going to be that easy...I wouldn't have started this medication that gives me cramps that make me feel like puking every morning."