Right now, I am doing a fun "experiment" and trying to take all of my friend's and my friend's mother's advice and "Just Relax".

Monday, January 17, 2011

Shutting Down and Healing

I have been thinking about this a lot the past couple of weeks and I have finally decided that I'm going to do this.

I'm shutting down this blog.

I mostly has to do with my goals for this year.

I want to heal. I feel like this blog is bitter and sad. Mostly sad with a tinge of bitter.

You are all so wonderful to me. Thank you so much. This year would have been awful if this wonderful support system hadn't been here for me. Thank you Thank you Thank you.

A new blog is in progress. When I started this one, in the naive beginning, it was for me to share crafts that I was working on, pictures that I had taken, and anything else that I wanted to share.

What I found a year ago was that starting this blog was a blessing in disguise.

There have been a couple women I know who have started their blogs and then within a year they had a baby in their arms or on the way.

What I have is as beautiful. I have a knowledge that I am not alone. I know that I am strong than I thought I was. I have learned that I am filled with love beyond my understanding. I have learned that I am divinely a mother, with or without children.

I wanted to start a blog that brought lovely things into the world. A blog that would also help me and maybe others heal.

I will keep you posted on that blog. I hope when I share it with you that you will follow me over.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

New Resolutions

My new resolution for 2011 was, "Don't get bitter."
No amount of anger toward pregnant people or God is going to get me pregnant.
No amount of self pity is going to put a bun in my oven.
No answer of, "Why me?" is on its way to my house at the moment.

I want to be spend the time I have childfree enjoying myself and bettering myself.

After taking last semester off to be a mom to my soon to be adopted baby girl among other things, I am back at school. I thought that it would be a great distraction from what has been going on.

On Tuesday, my friend from Mrs. Potts Thoughts wrote me the sweetest note in the world to let me know, before Facebook Newsfeed told me, that she is expecting another child. I'm so happy for her and I can't wait to hear all of her fun baby news. But it was still hard to hear. I'm not pretending that it didn't phase me but, I don't want to stop being her friend just because she can make babies. I can't base my friendship off of that...because I know logically that it is dumb. She isn't stealing my chance of getting pregnant. She has less control over me getting pregnant than I do.

But yesterday I got a mass message from my friend whose wedding I attended in August telling everyone that she is expecting. I kind of lost it. All of our friends sending messaged back to her telling her how amazing that is. I had a bit of a freak out on the bathroom floor. I will totally admit it. I had a good pity cry for 10 minutes saying, "Why?" Why is this happening to me?

Guess what? No answer. But I felt pretty lame on the floor crying so I stopped and got myself together and moved on.

I'm back on track to not being bitter. I love both of these people and I'm excited for them. I know someday I will be a great mom but not in the foreseeable future. And you know what, that is cool. I have stuff to keep me busy. I have a life to live, with or without a baby.