No amount of anger toward pregnant people or God is going to get me pregnant.
No amount of self pity is going to put a bun in my oven.
No answer of, "Why me?" is on its way to my house at the moment.
I want to be spend the time I have childfree enjoying myself and bettering myself.
After taking last semester off to be a mom to my soon to be adopted baby girl among other things, I am back at school. I thought that it would be a great distraction from what has been going on.
On Tuesday, my friend from Mrs. Potts Thoughts wrote me the sweetest note in the world to let me know, before Facebook Newsfeed told me, that she is expecting another child. I'm so happy for her and I can't wait to hear all of her fun baby news. But it was still hard to hear. I'm not pretending that it didn't phase me but, I don't want to stop being her friend just because she can make babies. I can't base my friendship off of that...because I know logically that it is dumb. She isn't stealing my chance of getting pregnant. She has less control over me getting pregnant than I do.
But yesterday I got a mass message from my friend whose wedding I attended in August telling everyone that she is expecting. I kind of lost it. All of our friends sending messaged back to her telling her how amazing that is. I had a bit of a freak out on the bathroom floor. I will totally admit it. I had a good pity cry for 10 minutes saying, "Why?" Why is this happening to me?
Guess what? No answer. But I felt pretty lame on the floor crying so I stopped and got myself together and moved on.
I'm back on track to not being bitter. I love both of these people and I'm excited for them. I know someday I will be a great mom but not in the foreseeable future. And you know what, that is cool. I have stuff to keep me busy. I have a life to live, with or without a baby.
It is so easy to get wrapped up in others' blessings and say, "Why not me?" We yearn for the congratulations and tiny baby shoes and pregnant belly, or adoption success. We try hard to try for a baby.
ReplyDeleteBut we can't blame ourselves. We can't blame others. It just is what it is. There may be a hidden reason with a hidden blessing about to come your way. There just might be.
I pray you find solace in where you are right now and find peace with the special moments you get to spend with your husband or even in the quiet alone, reading a book or just being.
IF rollercoaster is really crazy - you'll never know what happens. Even when you feel everything's OK, something comes up and it tumbles you down again. However, I've learned the embrace even the darkest moments and emotions 'coz they help me understand others and empathize with others who are going through those moments. Don't be too hard on yourself!
ReplyDeleteI've learned that by being too hard on myself, I'm not helping myself and in the end, if I don't help myself, I won't be able to help others. If I'm too hard on myself when I'm bitter, it's like I'm pulling myself even further down the mud of bitterness 'coz I've added anger and frustration to it. However, if I let it be, it shall pass faster. It shall, by the grace of God it shall. :-)))