Progress With {C}

Well, I heard back from {C} Saturday night. It looks like she is considering placing {Lil' B} (that's short for Little Baby...I haven't even begun to be hopeful enough to name this baby girl) with us. She has been interviewing me over the internet since, well, she lives in another state.

I've started talking with other people who have adopted to get an idea of what to expect. They have all been telling me pretty much the same thing. 1) Don't get to excited and tell everyone 2) Make sure the birth father consents and 3) Don't buy any baby stuff until the baby is in my arms.

{C} has started looking into starting up college again next semester which makes me hopeful that this is really going to happen.

We have started looking for adoption attorneys in the area and getting a home study done.

I've only told some close friends that are in the area so that they know what is going on and both Oscar and my parents. My mother might be going with me to get {Lil' B} at the end of October since Oscar might not be able to take time off with no pay. We are trying to make sure we have enough money for this so he is limiting his time off.

I'm still extremely guarded with my emotions. One of my friends I half wish that I didn't tell because she is getting so excited. I told her not to get any baby stuff for me and she agreed but it is all she wants to talk about now. I know she means well but it is a good thing we live an hour apart and are both busy.

Another friend of mine is being really great about everything. His parents adopted 3 kids but there were two kids that they fostered and after two years they were gone. His mother was really effected by that and he doesn't want the same thing to happen to me. He is excited...just cynical. Which for me, is good.

Fur Babies- Training For Real Babies

When I got my first fur baby I knew that it would come with some responsibility but I didn't know that it would be like training for real babies. For the first time I had to start being completely responsible for another living thing. I had had pets growing up but this was different. If anything happened to Pippen, I was in charged of everything to fix things.

The first time I really felt like a mom to Pippen was when he got into some food he wasn't suppose to and he woke me up every two hours to tell me that he needed to go to the bathroom. I was up all night with the little guy.

This one time I came home from school and found that he had thrown up in his kennel and had been just sitting in it. I had to give him a bath and some Pepto bismal (The vet nurse on the phone suggested it like I was an idiot for not thinking of it myself.) and clean out his kennel.

We have a new fur baby now named Bambi. We rescued her from the shelter like we did with Pippen. She is a huge handful but I think I love her. I told my husband that I just needed some living things to take care of.

I like to think that there are lessons I have to learn before I can have children and I have to keep learning until I do. I know that lack of knowledge isn't the medical reason for my lack of children just yet but I don't think that learning more about myself and parenting is going to hurt any either.

A Better Mother Response

After I got the news about my cholesterol and started taking this new medication, I thought that it was time to try talking about PCOS with my mom again.

I told her about what the doctor told me and some extra facts that I had picked up along the way. Apparently sometime to think about what I told her before and thinking about it she realized a few things.

1) PCOS is a real thing that effects more than 1 in 15 women.

2) My grandmother was told that she would have problems getting pregnant because of cysts on her ovaries. (And she had 5 children with long periods of waiting in between.)

3) My mother herself had sporadic periods until she was 21 and her doctor put her on progesterone pills.

4) Doctors have told her that her testosterone levels have always been high.

Surprise Mom! You have PCOS! Or...had? Once her doctors gave her the progesterone her periods started to even out and then come on their own.

I think that once she realized that PCOS wasn't a sentence to childlessness for all eternity, she could cope with it better.

Because PCOS doesn't mean we will never have children. It only means that it is going to be harder and take much longer to hear that pitter patter.

Father's Day, Not For YOU!!

My husband right now is on a business trip. I haven't called him Oscar in awhile but I guess I can start doing that again too.

This would have been fine with me IF 1) They had let us know more than two days in advance that he was definitely going. 2) Our anniversary wasn't at the end of this week 3) They didn't have him leave on Father's Day

We are pretty sure that he was asked to go on this trip because most of the other senior co-workers all have children. They think that Oscar can just pick up and leave whenever because he only has a wife at home.

Instead of spending Father's Day even trying to make him a father (if you catch my drift) he just had enough time to finish packing and hop into the car.

I'm glad though that he has a job that he is so good at and they trust him to be the one to travel and work with other teams on stuff. I only wish that they would think about the feelings of others when they arrange flight plans. And I guess that it will make our anniversary really sweet because I will appreciate the time that I get to spend with him.

(Picture of us at a fair that was in town for Memorial Day this year.)

Support Systems

Yesterday I had one of the best experiences that I have had since I found out about my PCOS. I told you all that I was going to tell my cousin about my "lady issues" as my way of coming out of the infertility closet.

She was exactly the support that I had hoped to get from my immediate family. She told me about some of her experiences when she told her immediate family. I'm so happy that I have someone in the family to talk to about this stuff. She has been dealing for 2+ years with PCOS and is thinking about her options and whether or not she is ready for IVF.

My grandmother had apparently told my cousin that she should talk to my Aunt about her "infertility". Apparently it took my aunt 4 months to get pregnant with her 4th child! That must have been really hard for her.

It is really hard to have friends and family who don't understand how hard it is to not want to hope to hard that in 9 months I will have a baby while at the same time wanting nothing more than to hold that baby.

I know that I am going to have my own baby someday but it is really great to know that I have some real life support from some of my family.

P.S. It should be noted that Oscar is the best support system that I have right now. I'm just talking about people outside of our relationship that I want as an extra support system. My hubby is great.

The Infertility Closet and Me

I know that it is National Infertility Awareness week right now and I want to do something to help infertility come out of the world of taboo but I have mixed feelings about it.

I'm usually such an open person. I tell people everything that is going on in my life normally but this has me petrified. My husband, who I am going to call Oscar (Oscar Wilde...get it?) and I both told our families when we found out about the PCOS which was traumatic enough for me but we haven't told them about TTC. I didn't feel like getting constant questions every time they called to "see how things are going."

Oscar only has one sister who is 25 and not dating anyone. Right now they all think that I am the best bet for grandchildren in the near future. When I found out about this PCOS I felt so guilty. I'm the vessel that was going to hold their grandchildren and now there is no guarantee that I will ever be able to do that. I mean, I haven't had AF on my own in over a year. Who knows if I have even ovulated in the last year. I can't get Oscar's family's hopes up that a baby is going to be on its way for awhile.

On the other hand, when I found out that I had PCOS, I was pretty mad when I found out that there was a history of this in the family and no one ever told me. There wasn't really anything to be done about it, but it would have been nice when I had a host of symptoms to know to be worried.

I have thought about if I was ready to tell everyone about this problem on my "daily life-family" blog or not and I think that I am going to chicken out and not do it. I'm scared of my mother leaving a hostile comment. I'm scared of relatives and old friends leaving sad pity filled comments. I'm scared of letting something out there that I wish wasn't true because then I might realize how serious this could be. I'm scared for people feeling sorry for me or being insensitive about it.

I think what I am going to do, is talk to my cousin with PCOS and tell her. I don't want her to feel like she is alone in this. I'm brave enough to do that.

The New Chair

Our living room has been super empty since we moved in almost a year ago. We have been filling up all of the rooms but this one for some reason so we have been on the look out for a chair to fill some of that space.

While driving home from the cemetary yesterday with my mother and brother we passed a house that was selling a chair for $30. It looked like it was in really good condition so I circled back to buy it.

My brother and I carried it down the road and when we finally put it down in my yard, I knew I had to take some pictures.

I wish that I hadn't put the back of the chair to the road because I think it would have looked good against the house but Oh well.I think that I might try this again sometime with my friends though...and all dressed up.

Holy Cramping Batman!

When I was growing up I thought that girls were just super whinny. They would talk about how horrible cramps were and won't come to school because it would hurt so bad. I would think, "What is your issue? It isn't that bad."

I thought this because I had never had a "real period" in my life. I didn't know what cramps felt like.

My first month on the pill was THE WORST. This pain was so new. I had never experienced wanted to throw my stomach against a counter to ease the pain. Luckily at that point I was in college with a bunch of girls who felt my pain and gave me all their painkillers and hot bean bags that they had made when they were younger and going through this.

Due to insurance issues (aka not having any) I had to go off the pill after only a couple months.

This month has been even worse than that. I had to take progesterone pills since AF is way passed due so I had to start it on my own. I have been cramping horribly for the passed two days with no AF yet in sight. I'm so miserable. I don't know how women can tolerate this every month since they were 13? 14? (When do normal people start receiving AF?)

My husband is pretty understanding since he has Crohns disease. He knows how bad cramps can get so he is the nicest to me when he knows that I am going through it.

Oh well, I guess it is a good trade off for knowing their stuff works.

At least once my period comes and goes I can give the getting pregnant thing another go...if I ovulate.

Wishing all of your luck on your quests!

Happy New Year!! (Thai Style)

I used to live in Thailand growing up and it is still a very big part of my life. I want to be able to some day pass on some of the traditions that I loved when I was over there.

The biggest one is the Thai New Year, Songkron. Most of the rituals surrounding the holiday are religious but I'm not a Buddhist. The best part of Songkron though is the nation wide water fight. The whole country stops for days and has a huge water fight. I love it!

I thought that even though I am stuck living in the United States, I would make the most of it and have a water fight anyway. It was awesome!

I have the best husband in the world. He is the only guy who can deal with my craziness and keep me in check. We had so much fun with our friends too!We had some children come over who I knew when I lived overseas. They were so much fun to see again. See how good I am with kids? Someday...This is my old room mate Clarise and my little brother Daniel. They are so fun to be around.Water balloon baseball was a hit (pun was VERY intended) with the crowd. Look at that great follow through!Happy Songkron!!! I hope all of you have sunshine headed your way!

New Lappy

I got a new laptop since my old one finally bite the dust. I only had it for 3 years but due to "roughness" it went in a fairly early time frame. (I dropped it one to many times on its butt and stabbed it in the motherboard with the power thingy...or so they tell me.)

My husband was kind enough to get me this new one...I just can't have any new toys for awhile.

I don't really have anything to report.

I thought you might enjoy some photos of me that I took with the web cam...because I'm so excited that this computer has ones.I've been sick lately so I have had plenty of time to sit and play around. Nothing new...just waiting for this semester to end so I can have a little vacation.

Spring Time

Well, it was officially Spring Time on March 21st and yesterday was Easter. The universal day of new life and rebirth. This is what I woke up to.When my husband and I woke up and saw how beautiful (and so so cold) it was outside we decided to take a trip into the Provo Canyon. I was in Provo visiting friends and family for the holiday and I was so glad that we did. I have been wanting to get some better shots of the snow lately.I loved this hint of spring peeking out from under this rock.I'm so lucky to have a husband that lets me jump out of the car to take pictures of reflections in the water.
I love the clouds that are right on the top of this picture.I have been taking the beauty of the mountains for granted lately since I don't like the cold. I shouldn't because it really is breathe taking sometimes.I'm so glad that I could get out and enjoy this Easter morning.

Tuned Out

I've been thinking lately about how obsessed with technology the world is these days. I haven't given in to getting a smart phone yet but I know that the day will come.

I've been trying to figure out if I need to cut back on my computer time and I am still undecided.

Yesterday at the dog park I saw something that worried me.

I don't know this man. He could have been doing something super important that was life or death on his phone. But to me, it was just sad. He had a giant black lab that really wanted to play and he had a child strapped onto his back. He was missing out on so much.

This second picture was 10 minutes later. He is still tuned out.
Does he know that his child gets older every day? Does he know that these moments are gone forever?

My dad realized on my sister's 9 birthday that he had missed most of her life being at work. He worked tons of over time and sometimes we wouldn't see him for weeks. We would go to bed before he got home and wake up after he left the next day.

I don't want to be that person. I don't want my husband to be that person.

I love my Dad. He is an amazing man and he did so much for his family. I would have liked to see him more growing up though.

I'm glad I married this guy. He's amazing in so many ways. The most important way is that he is tuned in.

Gratitude is the Best Attitude!

Instead of telling you all about how crumby I have felt the last couple days about ruining my memory card for my camera and losing a whole bunch of awesome photos, I thought it would be better to talk about gratitude.

Flashback to Christmas morning:

When I opened this

I was not grateful at all. I acted happy to receive it but inside I thought it was the dumbest present for me. What was I going to do with an 4GB memory card when I had a great 8GB one already. I didn't take that many photos at one time that I would need it. But what can you expect from brothers, right?

I stashed it away in the back of a drawer and forgot about it.

Flash forward to today:

I was super upset that I messed up my memory card and didn't have a replacement! I needed to be able to take photos but all I had was my old point and shoot...and after using a SLR for months I didn't like the idea. I like to be in control of manual. And then I remembered.

Needless to say I was over joyed to have that memory card in my time of need. But I thought, if I had only remembered what it felt like to have nothing I never would not have been so ungrateful at the time. I would have been able to receive that gift with the right attitude.

An attitude of gratitude.

I need to remember that most of the world doesn't even have an 8th of all the blessings I have.

Everything is a gift. Every second. Every breathe. Every Thing.

I'll have to keep working on that.

Torturing Myself

I love children's books. I think that the best way to teach children to have a love of learning and of reading is to read to them at a young age. My mother would always read my siblings and I bedtime stories. We had our favorite books that we loved to hear. It was a very special time before bed for us. I loved it.

I have always wanted to do the same things with my children. I began my collecting along time ago. When I traveled to other countries I would buy books that I could only get there. I have a book of Russian fairy tales bought in Russia. I also have a book about a tuk-tuk (a three wheeled motorized vehicle found in Asia and used as a cheap taxi) from when I lived in Thailand.

Lately though this habit has been a bit torturing. I just buy books when I find a good one at the Deseret Industries (DI) so that I'm not spending a load of money on something I might not use for awhile. At the same time, it is hard to look at a pile of books in the room that will someday be our nursery. Sometimes I go in there and read some of the books out loud.

Do I sound crazy yet?

I just love the stories of Winnie the Pooh and the new addition to my collection, Harold and the Purple Crayon. Someday I know that I will get the chance to share them with a child. It is just a matter of when.

Introduction to My Fur Baby

My husband sometimes doesn't like it when I grab my dog and make him cuddle with me or put sweaters on him. (I'm not a crazy person but it is so cold where we live now! It would be mean to not put a sweater on him.)

I can't help myself. He is the only "baby" I could have for awhile and so I was really happy when I saw the phrase "fur baby" flying around.

I always wanted a dog growing up and so when my husband and I bought a house I had to have a dog. We bought Pippen at a shelter and it has been love ever since.

I liked to think that he was going to help me learn to be a better mother. I think he has gotten me ready for more gross things to come. I have picked up poop everyday since. I have wiped up dog snot. I have cleaned up digging through the trash messes. I have cleaned up vomit and wiped up little "accidents".

I've also taught him tricks. I've taken him to dog parks to play with other dogs. I've gone on walks with him. I've taken him to farmer's markets to fun in dog races. I've cuddled on the couch with him and read books.

He is an amazing mutt and I love him. At least I know my world will never be short of fur babies.

Trying To Conceive(TTC)

After my tests came back negative for anything worse than PCOS, my husband and I talked about what we wanted to do.

Him agreeing to try and have a baby was very important to me. I took a class a couple years ago in college and learned that when a baby was born the marital satisfaction always decreases but it decreases the least when both partners agree that it is time to have a baby. Hence, I wanted to make sure it was something that we both wanted.

The doctor told us to try for 3 months and if nothing happens by the end of May we should come back and see what Clomin could do for us.

It feels like such a big step but at the same time, it isn't really anything that you tell people about.

Right now I think the scariest part for me is getting my hopes up. I want to think positively but on the other hand I don't want to get attached to the idea of having a baby in the near future.

I guess everyone experiences some kind of nerves before they embark on this journey. It must be a right of passage.

For better or for worse, we are trying to conceive! Mark it down! March 2010!

Waiting for Tests

Last week I went in for some tests to try and figure out if I have PCOS or something worse. I haven't told most of the people in my family what has been going on till I know for sure what it is.
At a family function one of my family members noticed this and asked what happened to my arm. I am a horrible liar and so I said, "Oh, I had to go to the doctor for some tests."

Apparently when you are a young married person, "going to the doctor" means that I am pregnant. I'm trying to think of something worse than waiting for test results to find out if I will be able to have children while family members keep teasing me about keeping a pregnancy a secret.

Since I was at a "happy occasion" family event I didn't really want to be Debbie Downer so I kept my mouth shut.

To tell or not to tell? That is my questions.

P.S. My doctor still hasn't gotten back to me with the results so I am going to assume that no news is good news.

Telling My Family

Before I went to the doctor to find out what was wrong with me, I did some Internet research to see what I could find.

When I found a list of symptoms for PCOS I started to get scared. I did more research since it sounded so much like me. I asked my mom if she knew of anyone in our family with PCOS and she told me about my cousin. I told her I was scared that that was what was wrong with me and she told me that not having my period of 7 months was fine because I was probably just a "late bloomer". My dad then sent me a text message saying, "We have not been overly impressed with some of the doctors in Utah and in California. They often diagnose off the wall things. Ask Aaron (my husband) to give you a blessing and then don't worry about it."

I am a pretty religious person but even that was too much for me. Just pray? Ignore it and maybe it will go away?

After talking to the doctor and finding out that I probably do have PCOS I didn't want to tell my parents. I was feeling so raw from the news the day before and I couldn't imagine trying to talk to them about it.

This morning my mom started messaging me wanting to know what the doctor said. I told her...evening knowing what she would say.
I told her that they thought it was PCOS.
She said that I wasn't fat.
I told her that I was in the 10% of women that didn't gain weight as a side effect.
That is when my mother told me that the doctor was a quack.
I told her that she was not being helpful.
She told me that she was right and that I should trust my mother.

That's right...instead of a health professional.

She said that a REAL doctor wouldn't pull something out of thin air instead of doing tests.
I told her I had most of the symptoms and that PCOS is the most common reason for women to have irregular periods. I also told her that I was going back for more tests.
She said that she would pray for the doctor since I wasn't the one that needed the prayers.
She asked me what symptoms I had.
I told her about the acne that had cropped up when I was almost 19.
She said everyone has acne.
I told her about the excessive body hair.
She told me that she had chin whiskers, she knew someone who had to shave and still had children.
I told her about the odd places of my hair growth.
So she sarcastically called me a hairy beast.
She once again reassured me that I was just a "late bloomer" and that she had to go to church.

The conversation left me feeling so empty and exhausted. All I wanted to hear from people were things like, "Don't worry, you will get through this!" "We are here for you!" "You will get through this. Medicine can do amazing things now!"

I didn't want to hear that I was an idiot for listening to a doctor or that I just needed to suck it up.

There is something wrong with me! I am sick and my body is showing me in so many different ways. When the doctor told me what it was, I felt somewhat relieved. Finally, I could put a name on this sudden hair growth, my late acne, and my crazy irregular periods that I have dealt with since I was in high school.

I just wanted support from my family. Not to have my answers taken away and my judgement belittled.

Babies

Maybe it is just where I live but I feel like everyone in the world is having a baby right now. Even a girl from my graduating class just had a baby girl. There are so many pregnant people in the blogasphere. I feel like to be a good woman blogger you have to have at least one kid under your belt.

I have never been the type to want to have kids. My whole life I didn't even want to get married. I thought that I would have a great life working as a teacher and then taking crazy summer trips around the whole. Then I feel in love with my boyfriend and never wanted to let him go. I had no choice but to marry him. Now I have this crazy urge to start having children.

We are going to wait until he feels ready to start supporting a family.

*whispers* I hope it is soon.

Problem:

I have secondary amenorrhea. It is a fancy term for, it has been six months since my last period and I'm not with child. It could be a number of things. I need to head to the OB/GYN and find out what is wrong with me. But I'm scared.

I'm scared of finding out that I can't have children.

Who wants to mentally hold my hand?

One thing is for sure, I'm so glad that I have a husband who loves me no matter what.

Thanks for listening (reading, rather).

Sincerely,