Progress With {C}

Well, I heard back from {C} Saturday night. It looks like she is considering placing {Lil' B} (that's short for Little Baby...I haven't even begun to be hopeful enough to name this baby girl) with us. She has been interviewing me over the internet since, well, she lives in another state.

I've started talking with other people who have adopted to get an idea of what to expect. They have all been telling me pretty much the same thing. 1) Don't get to excited and tell everyone 2) Make sure the birth father consents and 3) Don't buy any baby stuff until the baby is in my arms.

{C} has started looking into starting up college again next semester which makes me hopeful that this is really going to happen.

We have started looking for adoption attorneys in the area and getting a home study done.

I've only told some close friends that are in the area so that they know what is going on and both Oscar and my parents. My mother might be going with me to get {Lil' B} at the end of October since Oscar might not be able to take time off with no pay. We are trying to make sure we have enough money for this so he is limiting his time off.

I'm still extremely guarded with my emotions. One of my friends I half wish that I didn't tell because she is getting so excited. I told her not to get any baby stuff for me and she agreed but it is all she wants to talk about now. I know she means well but it is a good thing we live an hour apart and are both busy.

Another friend of mine is being really great about everything. His parents adopted 3 kids but there were two kids that they fostered and after two years they were gone. His mother was really effected by that and he doesn't want the same thing to happen to me. He is excited...just cynical. Which for me, is good.

Pre-New York City Trip

I have really mixed feelings right now about my trip to New York City tomorrow.

I am going to miss:

• Miss Wheelchair Utah Picnic ( I have a friend who founded Miss Wheelchair Utah and they have a picnic every year before they send off Miss Wheelchair Utah herself to the America Pagent)
• The 4 year olds I teach on Sunday
• The rest of my family's trip to Utah (They are going back to Texas on Saturday)
• My amazing fur babies

Things I am looking forward too:

• I don't have to worry about my fur babies messing up the house or training them
• I get to see my close friend who moved to Florida a year ago
• I get to see New York for the 1st time
• I will be back in a big city again
• My husband and I will get to put more stuff in our Adventure Book (Yes...I so got the idea from UP!)

The thing that is causing me the most sadness right now though is that all through March, April, and May I thought, "By the time August rolls around, I am sure to be pregnant." I thought that even after I was diagnosed with PCOS that it was possible for a baby to happen for us in just 3 months. Back in March and April and May and even June, I thought, "There is so much time until August. It is so far away and I'm bound to be pregnant by then, no problem."

August is here though. I couldn't stop it. But you know what?

This is going to be the best trip ever!

Question Out There For the Ladies

I was just wondering, have you ever known of anyone who a pregnancy test hasn't worked for? Like, when I got a negative before I knew about the PCOS but I hadn't had my period in months my mom would tell me that they never worked for her. She said that she was 12 weeks pregnant before they would say she was pregnant.

It is driving me crazy because I will POAS and get a BFN but I have this voice in the back of my head that says, "It might not be working for you!! You might be the 1% exception and you really are pregnant!"

And what about phantom pregnancy symptoms? I have been feeling super nauseous in the mornings and after eating and at night for the past couple weeks. I was really hoping for morning sickness.

But no...POAS tonight and it is a BFN. It has been 60 days since my last cycle and I'm starting to think that I should take some Provera and start over with my Glucophage. I stopped taking it about 2 or 3 weeks ago because I was waking up every morning with diarrhea and cramps all day long. Sorry for the TMI but it was super awful. My OB/GYN warned me that it has some nasty side effects and she was right!

Coming Out and Saying It

When people ask Oscar and I about having children, I always go the 100% honest route.

"So, when are you and Oscar planning on having kids?"

"Now would be great but I have PCOS so we will see how that goes."

Or...

"When are we going to see some grandchildren?"

"Whenever my eggs decide to come out of hiding. With PCOS I just never know when I am going to ovulate."

This has actually started some really great discussions with people. I have found another girl, in one of my summer classes, who also has PCOS and a woman at church who had a miscarriage and needed someone to talk to.

I've also had some unwanted advice about this whole situation but mostly it has been a really great experience just being honest.

My husband is amazed with how many people open up to me about different things when they barely know me but the truth is, I make people comfortable by first putting myself out there.

People want to share their feelings and they want someone to talk with about their struggles. When I am the brave one first, I am able to be that for them. I would encourage everyone who feels comfortable talking about their struggles and even those who don't, to talk with someone about it. You never know who will surprise you with just the thing that you needed to hear at that time.

Mind Over Matter

Last night as I was trying to drop off to sleep I suddenly had this terrible urge to...a-hem...do the Technicolor yawn. (Don't get excited guys! It probably isn't any form of morning sickness...according to a pregnancy test three days or so ago.)

Usually when I feel nauseous I am able to talk myself out of it. I HATE throwing up. Oscar and I get into the argument all the time about whether it is better to vomit and stop the stomach pain and all feelings of needing to loss our lunch or to focus all my energy on not vomiting and suffering through.

I have always thought that it was a great skill, having this control over my vomit/not vomit reflex.

But last night it got me to thinking, wouldn't it be great if I could will myself to ovulate the same way that I can will myself to keep from tossing my cookies. It would be amazing if I could focus all of my thoughts on that one body system and get just one egg on its way.

Would you think that that would count as relaxing?

Fur Babies- Training For Real Babies

When I got my first fur baby I knew that it would come with some responsibility but I didn't know that it would be like training for real babies. For the first time I had to start being completely responsible for another living thing. I had had pets growing up but this was different. If anything happened to Pippen, I was in charged of everything to fix things.

The first time I really felt like a mom to Pippen was when he got into some food he wasn't suppose to and he woke me up every two hours to tell me that he needed to go to the bathroom. I was up all night with the little guy.

This one time I came home from school and found that he had thrown up in his kennel and had been just sitting in it. I had to give him a bath and some Pepto bismal (The vet nurse on the phone suggested it like I was an idiot for not thinking of it myself.) and clean out his kennel.

We have a new fur baby now named Bambi. We rescued her from the shelter like we did with Pippen. She is a huge handful but I think I love her. I told my husband that I just needed some living things to take care of.

I like to think that there are lessons I have to learn before I can have children and I have to keep learning until I do. I know that lack of knowledge isn't the medical reason for my lack of children just yet but I don't think that learning more about myself and parenting is going to hurt any either.

A Better Mother Response

After I got the news about my cholesterol and started taking this new medication, I thought that it was time to try talking about PCOS with my mom again.

I told her about what the doctor told me and some extra facts that I had picked up along the way. Apparently sometime to think about what I told her before and thinking about it she realized a few things.

1) PCOS is a real thing that effects more than 1 in 15 women.

2) My grandmother was told that she would have problems getting pregnant because of cysts on her ovaries. (And she had 5 children with long periods of waiting in between.)

3) My mother herself had sporadic periods until she was 21 and her doctor put her on progesterone pills.

4) Doctors have told her that her testosterone levels have always been high.

Surprise Mom! You have PCOS! Or...had? Once her doctors gave her the progesterone her periods started to even out and then come on their own.

I think that once she realized that PCOS wasn't a sentence to childlessness for all eternity, she could cope with it better.

Because PCOS doesn't mean we will never have children. It only means that it is going to be harder and take much longer to hear that pitter patter.

All the Baby Bloggers

I've noticed that lately there have been more and more IF bloggers who have found themselves with a BFPositive!!! When I first started looking for blogs to follow I avoided IF bloggers who were pregnant like the plague. I didn't want to read about anybodies happy news. I was angry and sad and hurt. I only wanted to read blogs about people in my position.

I'm happy to say that I have grown a little. Now I don't see their pregnancies as something to feel anything but joy and hope for. I have heard their stories of struggles. I have walked in their shoes (only a short way) and know how badly they want this.

Now when they announce that they are "in the family way", I feel so happy that this could finally happen for them. I want to follow their pregnancy and send them happy thoughts and good vibes.

I hope that some day I can have bloggers like you cheering me on when I finally get knocked up.

BFNegative-Month 3

It is technically been 4 months now since we started trying to get pregnant.

The OB/GYN said that I can't get on Clomid until we have been trying to at least a year to get pregnant. I guess I should be patient and realize that people have been trying 2,3,4,5 years to get pregnant and 4 months is nothing.

Sometimes I just get so negative. I haven't had a period on my own for about 2 years and I've never had a regular cycle. I feel like waiting for that year mark is hopeless because I might not ovulate for 7 months.

I'm on some new medication though, Glucophage. Hopefully this will normalize my ovulation. But it could be months before I see results...and I am so impatient with this whole thing.

Lately, I have been trying to have fun with my husband and friends. I don't have to be miserable waiting and I think that that is the key to getting through this.

A New OB/GYN

I know that I have been gone for awhile. I have actually been avoiding this blog like the plague. I was getting to involved with it and other people's blogs and all of the bad news was getting to me.

I thought to myself in my innocence, "Maybe I do need to just relax and try and it will happen." Nope.

Another month. Another negative. Another round of progesterone to get me to HAVE a period.

I got a new OB/GYN. My other one moved away and I'm glad that she did because she was awful at helping me. I got a blood test awhile ago done to make sure that it was PCOS and a week later I called in because she hasn't called me the following Monday like she said she would. I asked about the results and the person on the phone told me that the OB/GYN hadn't looked at them yet. A week later I called back again and the girl just told me that everything was normal.

This month I went back to get a yearly exam...yeah for stirrups. I was asking my doctor about PCOS and she told me that I for sure had it because my exam actually showed that I had really elevated testosterone. She also told me that for my age and weight there was no reason for my cholesterol on a fasting test to show as high as they did. She was worried that in a couple years I might already get diabetes.

THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP OLD OB/GYN!!

BFNegative-Month 2

I would have been pretty depressed about the whole negative pregnancy test but I have been getting great advice from friends lately.

The first was from my friend Clarise. I was talking about how I always get scared to take a pregnancy test because I don't want to get my hopes up to high and then feel crushed. She said something to the effect of, "I don't know what you are going through but you should just remember that even if it is a negative this month, it doesn't mean you will never be a mother. It just means that you won't be a mother 9 months from now."

She is right.

And her advice really made me feel like less of a failure when it was once again, a big fat negative.

It is only month two of trying. Fertile women can take up to 6 months sometimes to get pregnant. I shouldn't get frustrated yet.

It just seems like time is going by so slowly. Once the 2ww is over, I just sit and wait for AF to show up again(or make her) but the time between just feels like it goes on forever. This is the space of time where I know I'm not going to get pregnant so I'm just waiting for the end of AF.

I have been pretty open with some people around me about all of this. I have been surprised with how well they have handled it.

When I tell someone I usually brace myself for unwanted advice and try not to get offended too easily. I loved one man comment to me, "My sister just had a baby and it took her years of infertility drugs and medication. They have an in vitro baby now. It was all really tough on my sister and alot of work but doctors are amazing and no matter what, you will be a mom some day."

I'm so glad it wasn't a typical, "Once my sister just relaxed she got pregnant" story. That would have made me want to punch him.

Cheers for good friends and empathic people!

Hobby Obsessed

Since I don't have anything currently going on in my life, I have taken up a million hobbies. I have been working on my sewing as much as time has allowed. My photography class starts tomorrow, as do all of my summer semester classes.I have also been cooking like crazy. I wanted to work on eating healthier. I keep hearing that I should try a low glycemic diet. I decided that I should try eating more fresh fruits and vegetables.
That is what I have been doing to keep my mind off of the 2WW.

A Question

I once told my mom during an AF visit that I thought being a girl was gross. She said that she thought being a boy would be gross because of the whole "wet dream" thing.

I am still not convinced.

Yesterday my husband asked me to stop talking when I was talking about how rough this period has been. It got way to gross for him.

Most of my period are VERY far apart and a REALLY mild flow. Since this one was progesterone induced it has been WAY worse.

Blood clots that are as big as this guy! I had a heart attack when I looked down in the shower and saw it on my leg!

I don't know if I want to ever have a regular period. I would like to ovulate normally but I don't really like this part of the process. I can't have one without the other I guess.

What do you guys think? Is being a boy worse, or being a girl?

CD1 and Growing a Garden

Well today is finally CD1 which makes me happy since once I have a period we can start the BD again. I wasn't counting on seeing AF until later. My OB/GYN told me that AF wouldn't get here for about 10 days but 3 isn't bad. I'll be counting down the days till I am able to try the BD again and hope for the best. I never thought that I would be planning this out so obsessively. Also, I feel like I have learned so much about my body from reading all of the blogs I've been reading.

Until then, I have been working on my garden. I might as well watch something grow. I'm really excited to start getting some fresh produce since I am trying to eat healthier. I want to make sure my body is in the best condition it can be. Wish me luck! Green Thumbs do not run in my family.

Holy Cramping Batman!

When I was growing up I thought that girls were just super whinny. They would talk about how horrible cramps were and won't come to school because it would hurt so bad. I would think, "What is your issue? It isn't that bad."

I thought this because I had never had a "real period" in my life. I didn't know what cramps felt like.

My first month on the pill was THE WORST. This pain was so new. I had never experienced wanted to throw my stomach against a counter to ease the pain. Luckily at that point I was in college with a bunch of girls who felt my pain and gave me all their painkillers and hot bean bags that they had made when they were younger and going through this.

Due to insurance issues (aka not having any) I had to go off the pill after only a couple months.

This month has been even worse than that. I had to take progesterone pills since AF is way passed due so I had to start it on my own. I have been cramping horribly for the passed two days with no AF yet in sight. I'm so miserable. I don't know how women can tolerate this every month since they were 13? 14? (When do normal people start receiving AF?)

My husband is pretty understanding since he has Crohns disease. He knows how bad cramps can get so he is the nicest to me when he knows that I am going through it.

Oh well, I guess it is a good trade off for knowing their stuff works.

At least once my period comes and goes I can give the getting pregnant thing another go...if I ovulate.

Wishing all of your luck on your quests!

Happy New Year!! (Thai Style)

I used to live in Thailand growing up and it is still a very big part of my life. I want to be able to some day pass on some of the traditions that I loved when I was over there.

The biggest one is the Thai New Year, Songkron. Most of the rituals surrounding the holiday are religious but I'm not a Buddhist. The best part of Songkron though is the nation wide water fight. The whole country stops for days and has a huge water fight. I love it!

I thought that even though I am stuck living in the United States, I would make the most of it and have a water fight anyway. It was awesome!

I have the best husband in the world. He is the only guy who can deal with my craziness and keep me in check. We had so much fun with our friends too!We had some children come over who I knew when I lived overseas. They were so much fun to see again. See how good I am with kids? Someday...This is my old room mate Clarise and my little brother Daniel. They are so fun to be around.Water balloon baseball was a hit (pun was VERY intended) with the crowd. Look at that great follow through!Happy Songkron!!! I hope all of you have sunshine headed your way!

Facebook, Stop Rubbing It In!

This might be old news to some of you, but to me, lately it seems like every time I get on facebook, the ads on the sides all say about the same thing.
No facebook...I would not like to follow my no existent baby's growth week by week, but thanks for reminding me about my BFN!Hmmm...let me think about it. Ummmm...NO! Not yet! And no thank you, I already have a free website that is devoted at the moment to my empty uterus.That would be cool if I could get people to buy me presents for my "Woe is Me" party.*sigh* I'm out of snarky things to say.

But, seriously? All of these popped up in just twenty minutes of being on facebook! After the last one, I couldn't take it. I clicked the "X" and told them my reason was because it was offensive. Facebook has made me offended of pregnant women and babies.

Anyone else feel my pain?

On A Stick

I knew for a couple weeks that this time was drawing closer...peeing on a stick time. Since AF wasn't looking like she was on the way I had to take some progesterone pills but before that could be done, I had to find out if I was pregnant.

I knew I wasn't pregnant. Or maybe I didn't know but I didn't want to get my hopes up that maybe I was.

For the last couple days I have really just been building myself up to do it. I've been telling myself that it wasn't to find out that I was pregnant but to okay AF heading over.

Finally I did it. I got up the nerve.

Even after telling myself that I wasn't going to care...I did. Staring at that negative stick again feels like it is taking all of my fantasizing and wishing and pulls me back down to the realness that is my PCOS.

I'll build myself back up for next month.

Tuned Out

I've been thinking lately about how obsessed with technology the world is these days. I haven't given in to getting a smart phone yet but I know that the day will come.

I've been trying to figure out if I need to cut back on my computer time and I am still undecided.

Yesterday at the dog park I saw something that worried me.

I don't know this man. He could have been doing something super important that was life or death on his phone. But to me, it was just sad. He had a giant black lab that really wanted to play and he had a child strapped onto his back. He was missing out on so much.

This second picture was 10 minutes later. He is still tuned out.
Does he know that his child gets older every day? Does he know that these moments are gone forever?

My dad realized on my sister's 9 birthday that he had missed most of her life being at work. He worked tons of over time and sometimes we wouldn't see him for weeks. We would go to bed before he got home and wake up after he left the next day.

I don't want to be that person. I don't want my husband to be that person.

I love my Dad. He is an amazing man and he did so much for his family. I would have liked to see him more growing up though.

I'm glad I married this guy. He's amazing in so many ways. The most important way is that he is tuned in.

Gratitude is the Best Attitude!

Instead of telling you all about how crumby I have felt the last couple days about ruining my memory card for my camera and losing a whole bunch of awesome photos, I thought it would be better to talk about gratitude.

Flashback to Christmas morning:

When I opened this

I was not grateful at all. I acted happy to receive it but inside I thought it was the dumbest present for me. What was I going to do with an 4GB memory card when I had a great 8GB one already. I didn't take that many photos at one time that I would need it. But what can you expect from brothers, right?

I stashed it away in the back of a drawer and forgot about it.

Flash forward to today:

I was super upset that I messed up my memory card and didn't have a replacement! I needed to be able to take photos but all I had was my old point and shoot...and after using a SLR for months I didn't like the idea. I like to be in control of manual. And then I remembered.

Needless to say I was over joyed to have that memory card in my time of need. But I thought, if I had only remembered what it felt like to have nothing I never would not have been so ungrateful at the time. I would have been able to receive that gift with the right attitude.

An attitude of gratitude.

I need to remember that most of the world doesn't even have an 8th of all the blessings I have.

Everything is a gift. Every second. Every breathe. Every Thing.

I'll have to keep working on that.