Here's the scoop. I have been kind of avoiding this blog because I don't even want to think about infertility. While I was in Hawaii, I put all of this stuff out of my mind. (I "just relaxed" if you will.) I wanted to de-stress and get in a better place. Once I got back home though, I knew that it was back to reality. I had to talk with {C} about if this adoption thing was still going to happen.
Here is the sad news crew. Her ex-husband's mother wants the baby. We will call her {B} and you can imagine what that stands for. {B} has talked her son into taking the baby if {C} is going to place the baby for adoption.
So {C} is going to keep the baby.
I'm pretty devastated. During all of this, it was hard to not get my hopes up...to imagine what life would be like with a new baby daughter. I know that according to nature, I didn't physically lose a child. And I know that according to the law, the child was never mine...but I can't help but feel like I lost a child.
What's not fair, is that, the child is still alive...and will never know how much I loved it already. I will never be anyone to this little girl. She will live her whole life and probably never know that I wanted her so badly.
Even though I have a support system of friends and family, I don't want to talk with them about this. I know what they are going to say. "God does everything for a reason." "God has children that He will send to you in His own time." "You will be a great mom someday." "There will be other children." "Everything is going to be alright."
I don't want that. Is it wrong for me to want people crying with me and acknowledging that I lost a child and that for right now everything is not going to be alright?
I'm really sad to read that you won't be adopting the baby girl, Phoebe.
ReplyDeleteAnd you get my full support in terms of acknowledging and grieving your loss. Of course this is a significant loss for you and this is your time to grieve, not to move on.
Take very good care of your beautiful self as you grieve the loss of this daughter.
Hugs
xox
It's VERY normal for you to feel that you've lost the child. SO SORRY about this, Phoebe. You've the right to feel that you've lost the child 'coz in your heart, it's YOURS already 'coz you love her even before she was officially yours. So I can only offer HUGE HUGS to you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I understand what you mean about wanting to avoid this blog and wanting to forget the IF world. It's a very normal feeling.
I also have a friend whose womb had to be taken out due to cancer, so she can't have a baby. She also heard a friend of a friend who got accidentally pregnant and she tried to talk to that person 'coz she wanted to keep the baby. This person is still very young and is still at uni, so she is scared and lost, esp. 'coz the mother and aunt wanted her to have an abortion.
My friend bought a plane ticket already in order to get the child when the child was born (it was a baby girl), but after she bought the ticket, she got news from the mother that she had decided to do abortion. My friend experienced what you experienced, so I know for sure that it's a very normal feeling. My friend's still grieving for that child even now...'coz by now the child should have been a few months' old and she should've been a mother by now if the mother hadn't aborted her. :-((((
OK, I'll stop rambling now...just let yourself grieve fully and completely...
No, it's not wrong for you to need to grieve and hope that others grieve with you rather than just saying it will be okay. I pray you will take the time to sort through all of your feelings. I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing can prepare a person for this. No one should have to go through this. Grieving with you. -Jess
ReplyDeleteI am sorry the adoption didn't work out. I completely understand the grief and sadness you are feeling. Because yes, you are absolutely right, you did love this child and were hoping she would become your daughter.
ReplyDelete