Getting to Me

This was my comment confirmation word they came me. I'm starting to go crazy waiting for the next 2 weeks to pass. Who knows if I even OVULAted?

Support Systems

Yesterday I had one of the best experiences that I have had since I found out about my PCOS. I told you all that I was going to tell my cousin about my "lady issues" as my way of coming out of the infertility closet.

She was exactly the support that I had hoped to get from my immediate family. She told me about some of her experiences when she told her immediate family. I'm so happy that I have someone in the family to talk to about this stuff. She has been dealing for 2+ years with PCOS and is thinking about her options and whether or not she is ready for IVF.

My grandmother had apparently told my cousin that she should talk to my Aunt about her "infertility". Apparently it took my aunt 4 months to get pregnant with her 4th child! That must have been really hard for her.

It is really hard to have friends and family who don't understand how hard it is to not want to hope to hard that in 9 months I will have a baby while at the same time wanting nothing more than to hold that baby.

I know that I am going to have my own baby someday but it is really great to know that I have some real life support from some of my family.

P.S. It should be noted that Oscar is the best support system that I have right now. I'm just talking about people outside of our relationship that I want as an extra support system. My hubby is great.

The Infertility Closet and Me

I know that it is National Infertility Awareness week right now and I want to do something to help infertility come out of the world of taboo but I have mixed feelings about it.

I'm usually such an open person. I tell people everything that is going on in my life normally but this has me petrified. My husband, who I am going to call Oscar (Oscar Wilde...get it?) and I both told our families when we found out about the PCOS which was traumatic enough for me but we haven't told them about TTC. I didn't feel like getting constant questions every time they called to "see how things are going."

Oscar only has one sister who is 25 and not dating anyone. Right now they all think that I am the best bet for grandchildren in the near future. When I found out about this PCOS I felt so guilty. I'm the vessel that was going to hold their grandchildren and now there is no guarantee that I will ever be able to do that. I mean, I haven't had AF on my own in over a year. Who knows if I have even ovulated in the last year. I can't get Oscar's family's hopes up that a baby is going to be on its way for awhile.

On the other hand, when I found out that I had PCOS, I was pretty mad when I found out that there was a history of this in the family and no one ever told me. There wasn't really anything to be done about it, but it would have been nice when I had a host of symptoms to know to be worried.

I have thought about if I was ready to tell everyone about this problem on my "daily life-family" blog or not and I think that I am going to chicken out and not do it. I'm scared of my mother leaving a hostile comment. I'm scared of relatives and old friends leaving sad pity filled comments. I'm scared of letting something out there that I wish wasn't true because then I might realize how serious this could be. I'm scared for people feeling sorry for me or being insensitive about it.

I think what I am going to do, is talk to my cousin with PCOS and tell her. I don't want her to feel like she is alone in this. I'm brave enough to do that.

Getting Control

This has been the first cycle where I have been really keeping track of days and trying to predict when ovulation could be.

Since my husband (I'm going to have to think of a nickname for him) and I are only on month two or really TTC we haven't gotten into the OPKs yet. We just want to try and save our money for when we might really need it.

When I said we were trying it naturally first, I really meant, all natural. I'm trying to use the advice that we all hate hearing and "just relax".

I think that I am still managing to weird out my husband. On the first day of my cycle I got out my day planner and wrote out "CD1" I wanted to start charting so that I can guess the best day. I'm also getting super organized with my plants. I put some seeds in the ground and put in my calendar when I should expect to see some buds coming out of the ground. I think that since I feel like I have no control over what my body is doing, I have to try and control and organize anything that I can.

I'm hoping that the progesterone I took last month will help to remind my ovaries of their jobs. I don't know if that will work but I have my fingers crossed.

The New Chair

Our living room has been super empty since we moved in almost a year ago. We have been filling up all of the rooms but this one for some reason so we have been on the look out for a chair to fill some of that space.

While driving home from the cemetary yesterday with my mother and brother we passed a house that was selling a chair for $30. It looked like it was in really good condition so I circled back to buy it.

My brother and I carried it down the road and when we finally put it down in my yard, I knew I had to take some pictures.

I wish that I hadn't put the back of the chair to the road because I think it would have looked good against the house but Oh well.I think that I might try this again sometime with my friends though...and all dressed up.

Ladies in Waiting Too

A friend of mine and I are working on an Etsy shop project. She is waiting for her boyfriend to get home from his mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Most people that she has told that she is waiting just laugh and say that she will never be able to wait two years.

Well it has been a year and two months and she is still waiting for him.

We realized that girls who choose to wait need support and so we wanted to start an Etsy shop that was for girls who are waiting for their boyfriends to come back from either serving the country, their religion, or whatever other reasons they might have for being long distance.

Right now I am concentrating on one thing, and that is postcards. You can have an inside joke.

Special shout outs.Birthday celebrations.The possibilities of the silhouettes are endless. I'm really excited to get started. If you want to take a look you can head to our Etsy shop!

A Question

I once told my mom during an AF visit that I thought being a girl was gross. She said that she thought being a boy would be gross because of the whole "wet dream" thing.

I am still not convinced.

Yesterday my husband asked me to stop talking when I was talking about how rough this period has been. It got way to gross for him.

Most of my period are VERY far apart and a REALLY mild flow. Since this one was progesterone induced it has been WAY worse.

Blood clots that are as big as this guy! I had a heart attack when I looked down in the shower and saw it on my leg!

I don't know if I want to ever have a regular period. I would like to ovulate normally but I don't really like this part of the process. I can't have one without the other I guess.

What do you guys think? Is being a boy worse, or being a girl?

CD1 and Growing a Garden

Well today is finally CD1 which makes me happy since once I have a period we can start the BD again. I wasn't counting on seeing AF until later. My OB/GYN told me that AF wouldn't get here for about 10 days but 3 isn't bad. I'll be counting down the days till I am able to try the BD again and hope for the best. I never thought that I would be planning this out so obsessively. Also, I feel like I have learned so much about my body from reading all of the blogs I've been reading.

Until then, I have been working on my garden. I might as well watch something grow. I'm really excited to start getting some fresh produce since I am trying to eat healthier. I want to make sure my body is in the best condition it can be. Wish me luck! Green Thumbs do not run in my family.

Holy Cramping Batman!

When I was growing up I thought that girls were just super whinny. They would talk about how horrible cramps were and won't come to school because it would hurt so bad. I would think, "What is your issue? It isn't that bad."

I thought this because I had never had a "real period" in my life. I didn't know what cramps felt like.

My first month on the pill was THE WORST. This pain was so new. I had never experienced wanted to throw my stomach against a counter to ease the pain. Luckily at that point I was in college with a bunch of girls who felt my pain and gave me all their painkillers and hot bean bags that they had made when they were younger and going through this.

Due to insurance issues (aka not having any) I had to go off the pill after only a couple months.

This month has been even worse than that. I had to take progesterone pills since AF is way passed due so I had to start it on my own. I have been cramping horribly for the passed two days with no AF yet in sight. I'm so miserable. I don't know how women can tolerate this every month since they were 13? 14? (When do normal people start receiving AF?)

My husband is pretty understanding since he has Crohns disease. He knows how bad cramps can get so he is the nicest to me when he knows that I am going through it.

Oh well, I guess it is a good trade off for knowing their stuff works.

At least once my period comes and goes I can give the getting pregnant thing another go...if I ovulate.

Wishing all of your luck on your quests!

None of Your Fricken Business!

Let me start off by saying, This is not directed at you.

I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS for short). I'm a pretty religious person but I try not to be in your face about it. I love this Church and I know that it is true.

I don't like "Mormon" culture. "Mormon" is a nickname that people have for LDS members because we believe that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. I call people "Mormons" who have their own weird sub-culture that has nothing to do with the teachings if the LDS church.

In the Mormon culture, women feel like they are born to make babies and so their goals in life consist of learning crafts, getting married to have babies, and learning more crafts.

With that all explained, let me tell you a story. I live in a place that is highly populated with members of the LDS faith. While at college last semester I took a "Interpersonal Process" class and met this one girl that I am going to call Lady A. Lady A is a total Mormon. She was single when we met and two months later she met a guy and one month later they were engaged. The engagement lasted for a month and they were married on January 2 of this year. She told me before they got married that she was planning on not using birth control but "letting God give her a baby". 3 days after she was married, she was pregnant.

I found out that she was pregnant about the same time that I was going through finding out about PCOS and so I wasn't outright avoiding her but I wasn't going out of my way to hang out with her either.

Today I ran into her while trying to get to one of my classes.

We made small talk. She showed me her little baby bump and I let her talking about the joy she is feeling.

Then she said, "What's new with you? Are you pregnant, yet?"

I guess since I have been married for 10 months at least a hint of a baby on the way would be expected. But we have only been trying since I found out that it might be a while.

I told her, "No. No baby on the way."

And then she said the most hurtful thing that could be said to me right now, "What's taking so long?"

She wasn't trying to be mean. I kept telling myself over and over again. I was stunned. I just stood there. Silent.

I just said, "Nope. Nothing new. I better get to class."

I kept hearing, "What's taking so long?" over and over again in my head. I stopped myself from crying but it was hard. It hasn't been that long since I started trying but, I have no reason to think it is going to be anytime soon. The thought of me being 5 years from now with no baby has been banging around in my head lately.

She didn't know what she was saying. She didn't know if would hurt. But even then, what business is it of hers when I am planning on having children?

Happy New Year!! (Thai Style)

I used to live in Thailand growing up and it is still a very big part of my life. I want to be able to some day pass on some of the traditions that I loved when I was over there.

The biggest one is the Thai New Year, Songkron. Most of the rituals surrounding the holiday are religious but I'm not a Buddhist. The best part of Songkron though is the nation wide water fight. The whole country stops for days and has a huge water fight. I love it!

I thought that even though I am stuck living in the United States, I would make the most of it and have a water fight anyway. It was awesome!

I have the best husband in the world. He is the only guy who can deal with my craziness and keep me in check. We had so much fun with our friends too!We had some children come over who I knew when I lived overseas. They were so much fun to see again. See how good I am with kids? Someday...This is my old room mate Clarise and my little brother Daniel. They are so fun to be around.Water balloon baseball was a hit (pun was VERY intended) with the crowd. Look at that great follow through!Happy Songkron!!! I hope all of you have sunshine headed your way!

New Lappy

I got a new laptop since my old one finally bite the dust. I only had it for 3 years but due to "roughness" it went in a fairly early time frame. (I dropped it one to many times on its butt and stabbed it in the motherboard with the power thingy...or so they tell me.)

My husband was kind enough to get me this new one...I just can't have any new toys for awhile.

I don't really have anything to report.

I thought you might enjoy some photos of me that I took with the web cam...because I'm so excited that this computer has ones.I've been sick lately so I have had plenty of time to sit and play around. Nothing new...just waiting for this semester to end so I can have a little vacation.

Facebook, Stop Rubbing It In!

This might be old news to some of you, but to me, lately it seems like every time I get on facebook, the ads on the sides all say about the same thing.
No facebook...I would not like to follow my no existent baby's growth week by week, but thanks for reminding me about my BFN!Hmmm...let me think about it. Ummmm...NO! Not yet! And no thank you, I already have a free website that is devoted at the moment to my empty uterus.That would be cool if I could get people to buy me presents for my "Woe is Me" party.*sigh* I'm out of snarky things to say.

But, seriously? All of these popped up in just twenty minutes of being on facebook! After the last one, I couldn't take it. I clicked the "X" and told them my reason was because it was offensive. Facebook has made me offended of pregnant women and babies.

Anyone else feel my pain?

Spring Time

Well, it was officially Spring Time on March 21st and yesterday was Easter. The universal day of new life and rebirth. This is what I woke up to.When my husband and I woke up and saw how beautiful (and so so cold) it was outside we decided to take a trip into the Provo Canyon. I was in Provo visiting friends and family for the holiday and I was so glad that we did. I have been wanting to get some better shots of the snow lately.I loved this hint of spring peeking out from under this rock.I'm so lucky to have a husband that lets me jump out of the car to take pictures of reflections in the water.
I love the clouds that are right on the top of this picture.I have been taking the beauty of the mountains for granted lately since I don't like the cold. I shouldn't because it really is breathe taking sometimes.I'm so glad that I could get out and enjoy this Easter morning.

Blog Hop

This is the first time that I have joined in on a blog hop and so I hope that I am doing it right.

Welcome to my blog!!!

I just found out that I have PCOS about a month and a half ago. My husband and I were trying to decide when we wanted to have kids and my doctors visit in February came as quite a shock to both of us. We are currently TTC naturally.

I try to write about more than just what is going on with my nether regions. I like to think that I am more than my PCOS. I am trying to explore my talents and this blog was originally going to be for me to write about 2010 and my quest to learn how to sew. It has turned into so much more.

Feel free to read my blog and get to know me.

On A Stick

I knew for a couple weeks that this time was drawing closer...peeing on a stick time. Since AF wasn't looking like she was on the way I had to take some progesterone pills but before that could be done, I had to find out if I was pregnant.

I knew I wasn't pregnant. Or maybe I didn't know but I didn't want to get my hopes up that maybe I was.

For the last couple days I have really just been building myself up to do it. I've been telling myself that it wasn't to find out that I was pregnant but to okay AF heading over.

Finally I did it. I got up the nerve.

Even after telling myself that I wasn't going to care...I did. Staring at that negative stick again feels like it is taking all of my fantasizing and wishing and pulls me back down to the realness that is my PCOS.

I'll build myself back up for next month.