The Phoebe Coaster

I was reading over at The Pitter-Patter about her roller coaster of emotions. It reminded me of a little episode that I had this weekend.

This past week has been really good. I have been trying to put the "maybe adoption" out of my head because I am so scared that it isn't going to happen. I was doing a really great job too. I felt fine.

In church my husband and I sat down next to a couple that we always enjoy talking too. They have a little baby girl that was being just adorable. I was totally fine with it. The couple talked with us and we were just joking and laughing and having a good time. The meeting started and so we went back to focusing on Church things.

About 10 minutes into the talks and sermons, the baby starts to get a little loud and giggly. Her mother and I were giggling a little bit too because, come on.... a loud giggle while someone is talking about there trials is so silly. I'm only human.

Then my husband leans over and whispers,

"We are going to have so much fun when we're parents."

And I lost it. I immediately teared up. I had to leave. Tears were running down my face and snot was making its way out. I didn't want to be sitting with that baby anymore. It hurt it much to hear the giggles.

Just like that I was a total mess.

My husband, of course, felt horrible because that was not what he was going for at all. He meant it with an air of hopeful and a confident "some day". Poor guy.

I'm so ready to get off my very own Phoebe roller coaster and move on to the next scary ride of "Parenthood".

Humility, Happiness, and Hope

I am so flattered that Jess from When the Music Fades thought of me when she was picking people to talk about hope and happiness. This is a really fun pass along award! What you do is post the picture and write about one thing that you are happy for at the moment and something that you are also hoping for. I'm going to warn you...it is going to get smarmy.One thing that I am really happy for right now are blogger friends and this great IF community. Technically, according to the doctors, I'm not even classified as Infertile. I'm in this weird conception limbo.

I had this blog before I knew what PCOS was. Once I found out I had it (7th months with no period and no baby bump...what was my first clue that there was a problem?) and started looking for people going through what I was going through, I felt so comforted to find such a large group online.

I'm so happy that this is such a welcoming community and that when none of the "fertiles" can give me comfort because they can only seem to get out the most awkward solutions to "my problem", I have all of you to turn to. (My mom totally told me today that if I adopted, I would get pregnant.) The best thing in the world right now for me is sharing all of my information with the world about my PCOS and not needing to worry about you telling me to "just relax" or that I'm "jinxing" myself by "trying to hard".

(How was that for smarmy? Wait...it is going to get worse!)

My hope... is that this community will always be here. I hope that pretty soon all of us (God permitting) will be gone from the blogging world while we take care of our respective children but I hope that this sisterhood (and brotherhood in some cases) will live on. I hope that when the next generation of infertile women need some guidance and assistance or a listening ear, that this community of strength will be there to help them until that BFP shows up and they get to hold that squirmy new born in their hands.

I totally won the smarmy award! As gross as all that was, I meant it. Today especially. Everything that I needed today, I got from these three people who I am nominating to pass this on.

Augusta @ All In One Basket

Amel @ Serenity in Chaos

Adele @ Delinquent Eggs

And so many more. I would have picked Jess but she completely got me first!

I'm totally humbled by all that you women have to offer and all the support that you have offered me!

Dear Universe,

I finished reading this post a couple minutes ago. I really like this idea. It reminds me of the book, The Secret, or something like that. My friend told me to read it once and went on in detail about it. He described it so well that I never got the book but like to pretend that I know what it is all about. (Any body else do this? I also quote movies that I haven't seen.)

I have a request for the universe too.

Universe, let {C} get in contact with me again. With good or bad news. At this point, I only want to stop the silence and unknown...at least a little bit.

That's all.

And maybe a pony. Just kidding Universe! On the pony thing...but the rest I am serious about.

Thanks!

And now I stop obsessing and relax. Augusta was right, I need to take this BD down time and relax for a bit. Instead, I think I will focus the rest of my universe energy on wishing her luck on Friday!

CD1 - September

After 102 days, I'm finally at CD1 again. As always, it comes with some mixed feelings.

I'm happy that it is here so that I can stop faking myself out. After 60 days I start to think I have to be pregnant. I'm getting over that since well...it has been happening for the last year and a half of my marriage and a long cycle isn't a sign of anything except PCOS.

I'm sad that AF once again wasn't able to get here on her own. I wish that I didn't have to wait more than 3 months for her to get here and I wish that I didn't have to trigger it with medication.

I'm irritated because I was hoping to time this better so all the "fun" happened while Oscar was on a business trip. Since we have been married, I have only had 4 other visits from AF so he is really not use to it.

Whether I want it here or not...it is what it is....Cycle Day 1.

Day Trip

I had a really awesome day! You all probably know that I have been stressing out about this "What If Adoption" that is going on with us right now.

Well, today was great because the hubby and I got to run up into the mountains and have a nice relaxing drive with the fur babies. It was so beautiful up there. I loved it.

This is a really crappy photo and I hope you will forgive me but it is the only one of me that whole trip. Oscar is awesome and I'm so glad that I have him to adventure with me. Through the good times and bad! I hope you all have a great weekend!

Looking For Signs

I know that I am not the only one out there who looks for signs from God that they are pregnant. But has anyone else found signs about adoption?

I've had two experiences so far that have made me feel like this is the right thing to do. I don't dare say that they are signs that I am going to get this baby girl but I want to believe that they are. (*shhhh...* knock on wood for me!)

I keep telling myself that this is the right course to go down even if we don't end up with this child. I am a person who believes that all things shall work together for my good. Whether it be to further my knowledge of the adoption process, strengthen my marriage with Oscar or place a child in my care. At night I try not to pray for this baby but that the spirits who need to be in this home to gain the most and grow the most from Oscar and I will find their way here.

Onto the two signs.

Friday night I was up thinking about if I would even know what to do if I had a new born baby. I started to freak out that I would be the worst parent ever. I thought, "Wow, I can't believe that I bought that 'What to Expect When Your Expecting' book so long ago and it is useless. I should go to the DI (Deseret Industries, the place where I got the first one for a $1) tomorrow and see if they have 'What to Expect the First Year'."

My husband and I went to the DI the next day. I didn't tell him why we were going but it is a fun place to look around and I had stuff that I needed to donate anyway. I wandered back into the book section of the store and the first book that I saw was "What to Expect the First Year". It was sitting there waiting for me to come and claim it. The only copy...just for me.

The second "sign" was Tuesday. Oscar and I were on a walk. We were talking about different things. The topic of buying baby things came up. Oscar is very against the idea of getting anything because he feels like it will make everything worse if this doesn't work out. I agree with him. But I am getting excited people! I want so badly to be excited for this! I told him, "I'll only buy stuff that we would have to get anyway for a baby. Because someday we are going to be parents right? And it could be in October." He said a strong no. (And I knew he was right. He is so right. I shouldn't be getting ahead of myself.)

At that moment, I looked on the ground and saw this.

A little hair clip perfect for a little girl. I scooped it up and put it in my pocket. My talisman.

I don't want to get to excited because I could be setting myself up for a world of hurt. But I want to believe. Faith precedes the miracle. Noah didn't build his boat until he say rain. Moses left Egypt before they knew where they were headed. And I want to believe I will get this little girl.

But having faith in this is one of the scariest things I have ever done.

Progress With {C}

Well, I heard back from {C} Saturday night. It looks like she is considering placing {Lil' B} (that's short for Little Baby...I haven't even begun to be hopeful enough to name this baby girl) with us. She has been interviewing me over the internet since, well, she lives in another state.

I've started talking with other people who have adopted to get an idea of what to expect. They have all been telling me pretty much the same thing. 1) Don't get to excited and tell everyone 2) Make sure the birth father consents and 3) Don't buy any baby stuff until the baby is in my arms.

{C} has started looking into starting up college again next semester which makes me hopeful that this is really going to happen.

We have started looking for adoption attorneys in the area and getting a home study done.

I've only told some close friends that are in the area so that they know what is going on and both Oscar and my parents. My mother might be going with me to get {Lil' B} at the end of October since Oscar might not be able to take time off with no pay. We are trying to make sure we have enough money for this so he is limiting his time off.

I'm still extremely guarded with my emotions. One of my friends I half wish that I didn't tell because she is getting so excited. I told her not to get any baby stuff for me and she agreed but it is all she wants to talk about now. I know she means well but it is a good thing we live an hour apart and are both busy.

Another friend of mine is being really great about everything. His parents adopted 3 kids but there were two kids that they fostered and after two years they were gone. His mother was really effected by that and he doesn't want the same thing to happen to me. He is excited...just cynical. Which for me, is good.

Ohio Wedding

Last month I got to take some more time off of my problems and go to a friends wedding. It was pretty crazy but tons for fun! I was so excited to see all of my old friends and catch up. Luckily none of them have babies and so it wasn't a constant reminder of what I didn't have.

Here are some pictures so you don't have to listen to me ramble about my friends.

As far as infertility news goes, I POAS and it was a BFN...so it looks like "relaxing" in August didn't really do it for me.

A Mini Waiting Game

Anyone remember two or so posts ago when I wrote about talking with a friend about an acquaintance thinking about placing her baby for adoption? Well my friend {P} talked to this woman {C} about it and she said that she will be thinking about it. Apparently she is/was going to meet with two other couples but she told {P} that she might feel more comfortable giving her child to someone that she knows.

We might be looking at a Private Placement Adoption here.

I'm waiting for her to contact me regarding an interview to see if she thinks it will work.

I'm still trying not to get my hopes up. There seem to be so many reasons that I can think of why she wouldn't want me.

We are friends on Facebook...and seeing me fill the page with the images of a child that once was hers...well...I don't think I could do it. Right there would be my reason for not giving me that child.

I am getting my hopes up a little. But isn't that the first step to love? Putting my heart on the line? I mean, if {C} says no, I will be sad but at this point it is just kind of a pipe dream. But if if if she says yes, I'm already one step closer to loving this little girl.

It is a hard game...infertility. Something that sounded so easy in theory...making a baby...turns into something so complicated.

In other news...it has been 93 days since my last cycle. I'm going to take some Prov-era once I get the courage to POAS (you know...just in case).

The Special Facebook Friend

We all have those friends who are always writing about their kids. We all know the people who put a big smiling baby as their profile picture because they want to show everyone what they made.

Well, I have a Facebook friend who didn't mean to have her boyfriend's baby but she did. And now she thinks that she is the captain of all moms ever. She writes about how other moms make terrible choices with their bodies. But then she will write about how she isn't judging anyones choices (because she would never do that).She writes about her amazing breast milk.

How much she loves nursing her baby.Oh and she is in a constant battle with Facebook over whether she can show nursing pictures. On her blog she writes about how she should be allowed to breastfeed where ever she pleases. Like walking to and from classes on her college campus. Or at a public park...at her wedding reception...Yeah, that pictures is totally on Facebook. Her and her mother made this dress for this specific purpose of breastfeeding at the reception.

Anyone else have a friend like mine they want to vent about?

Wishful Thinking

I had this acquaintance in high school who I have been keeping an eye on, on Facebook. We have tons of friends in common and we were always friendly with each other in high school.

Well, she has been going through a really tough time. I have written about her before. She married her summer love high school sweet heart right out of graduation...and he turned out to be a tool. He was horrible to her and of course, she got knocked up. Well he started hitting her while she was pregnant and so she left him.

I've been getting snatches of information from Facebook and her friends. Tonight I wrote to one friend, "How is {C} doing? I only ask because I want to adopt/steal her baby." He asked me if I was seriously and I said, "Completely."

He told me that her parents are really pressuring her to give up the baby and they will help her out. She was adopted herself (I knew that from high school and so I knew that this would be a delicate subject...so I would never bring it up with her) and so she doesn't really want to give the baby up because she knows how it is to be that baby. At the same time, she is at a tough spot. She either has to raise this baby on her own, or give it up to get help. She is only 20.

My friend said that he would mention my interest to her. I don't know if it will come to anything...and I wouldn't ever get my hopes up until her and I talk...but it is something to think about.

I wouldn't know the first thing about adopting a child. It hasn't really needed to be thought out that much by Oscar and I. I would be amazing for this thing to come to something...but at the same time I am very guarded.

Wishful fantasies of me...wishful fantasies.

Keeping Track

As you all know if you have been reading my blog, I have chosen to be really honest about my "condition" to most of my family and friends. When they ask me about when I'm planning to have kids, I tell them straight up what is happening with my body.

I had one friend who was the boom about it. She was adopted and her mother is a little crazy and once told her that she was a last resort. Her mother struggled with infertility for 10 years before choosing to adopt. This friend of mine knows the pain of an infertile because she had to live with a mother who never let it go.

On the other hand, I also have the friends who don't know any better and say things like, "I'm sure if you just relax." Sometimes I am hopeful and I think that when they start out, "There are tons of people who adopt..." that they are going to tell me about the miracles of adoption and how those children will be the same as having one on my own. But usually it ends with, "...and afterwards get pregnant! You should just relax."

Are you keeping track? So far at 6 months along in my infertility, I have 3 people who have said the exact phrase "just relax". 4 people if you count the mother of the girl who told me she got some "great advice" for me, from her mother. What's your number?