BFNegative-Month 2

I would have been pretty depressed about the whole negative pregnancy test but I have been getting great advice from friends lately.

The first was from my friend Clarise. I was talking about how I always get scared to take a pregnancy test because I don't want to get my hopes up to high and then feel crushed. She said something to the effect of, "I don't know what you are going through but you should just remember that even if it is a negative this month, it doesn't mean you will never be a mother. It just means that you won't be a mother 9 months from now."

She is right.

And her advice really made me feel like less of a failure when it was once again, a big fat negative.

It is only month two of trying. Fertile women can take up to 6 months sometimes to get pregnant. I shouldn't get frustrated yet.

It just seems like time is going by so slowly. Once the 2ww is over, I just sit and wait for AF to show up again(or make her) but the time between just feels like it goes on forever. This is the space of time where I know I'm not going to get pregnant so I'm just waiting for the end of AF.

I have been pretty open with some people around me about all of this. I have been surprised with how well they have handled it.

When I tell someone I usually brace myself for unwanted advice and try not to get offended too easily. I loved one man comment to me, "My sister just had a baby and it took her years of infertility drugs and medication. They have an in vitro baby now. It was all really tough on my sister and alot of work but doctors are amazing and no matter what, you will be a mom some day."

I'm so glad it wasn't a typical, "Once my sister just relaxed she got pregnant" story. That would have made me want to punch him.

Cheers for good friends and empathic people!

Hobby Obsessed

Since I don't have anything currently going on in my life, I have taken up a million hobbies. I have been working on my sewing as much as time has allowed. My photography class starts tomorrow, as do all of my summer semester classes.I have also been cooking like crazy. I wanted to work on eating healthier. I keep hearing that I should try a low glycemic diet. I decided that I should try eating more fresh fruits and vegetables.
That is what I have been doing to keep my mind off of the 2WW.

Getting to Me

This was my comment confirmation word they came me. I'm starting to go crazy waiting for the next 2 weeks to pass. Who knows if I even OVULAted?

Support Systems

Yesterday I had one of the best experiences that I have had since I found out about my PCOS. I told you all that I was going to tell my cousin about my "lady issues" as my way of coming out of the infertility closet.

She was exactly the support that I had hoped to get from my immediate family. She told me about some of her experiences when she told her immediate family. I'm so happy that I have someone in the family to talk to about this stuff. She has been dealing for 2+ years with PCOS and is thinking about her options and whether or not she is ready for IVF.

My grandmother had apparently told my cousin that she should talk to my Aunt about her "infertility". Apparently it took my aunt 4 months to get pregnant with her 4th child! That must have been really hard for her.

It is really hard to have friends and family who don't understand how hard it is to not want to hope to hard that in 9 months I will have a baby while at the same time wanting nothing more than to hold that baby.

I know that I am going to have my own baby someday but it is really great to know that I have some real life support from some of my family.

P.S. It should be noted that Oscar is the best support system that I have right now. I'm just talking about people outside of our relationship that I want as an extra support system. My hubby is great.

The Infertility Closet and Me

I know that it is National Infertility Awareness week right now and I want to do something to help infertility come out of the world of taboo but I have mixed feelings about it.

I'm usually such an open person. I tell people everything that is going on in my life normally but this has me petrified. My husband, who I am going to call Oscar (Oscar Wilde...get it?) and I both told our families when we found out about the PCOS which was traumatic enough for me but we haven't told them about TTC. I didn't feel like getting constant questions every time they called to "see how things are going."

Oscar only has one sister who is 25 and not dating anyone. Right now they all think that I am the best bet for grandchildren in the near future. When I found out about this PCOS I felt so guilty. I'm the vessel that was going to hold their grandchildren and now there is no guarantee that I will ever be able to do that. I mean, I haven't had AF on my own in over a year. Who knows if I have even ovulated in the last year. I can't get Oscar's family's hopes up that a baby is going to be on its way for awhile.

On the other hand, when I found out that I had PCOS, I was pretty mad when I found out that there was a history of this in the family and no one ever told me. There wasn't really anything to be done about it, but it would have been nice when I had a host of symptoms to know to be worried.

I have thought about if I was ready to tell everyone about this problem on my "daily life-family" blog or not and I think that I am going to chicken out and not do it. I'm scared of my mother leaving a hostile comment. I'm scared of relatives and old friends leaving sad pity filled comments. I'm scared of letting something out there that I wish wasn't true because then I might realize how serious this could be. I'm scared for people feeling sorry for me or being insensitive about it.

I think what I am going to do, is talk to my cousin with PCOS and tell her. I don't want her to feel like she is alone in this. I'm brave enough to do that.

Getting Control

This has been the first cycle where I have been really keeping track of days and trying to predict when ovulation could be.

Since my husband (I'm going to have to think of a nickname for him) and I are only on month two or really TTC we haven't gotten into the OPKs yet. We just want to try and save our money for when we might really need it.

When I said we were trying it naturally first, I really meant, all natural. I'm trying to use the advice that we all hate hearing and "just relax".

I think that I am still managing to weird out my husband. On the first day of my cycle I got out my day planner and wrote out "CD1" I wanted to start charting so that I can guess the best day. I'm also getting super organized with my plants. I put some seeds in the ground and put in my calendar when I should expect to see some buds coming out of the ground. I think that since I feel like I have no control over what my body is doing, I have to try and control and organize anything that I can.

I'm hoping that the progesterone I took last month will help to remind my ovaries of their jobs. I don't know if that will work but I have my fingers crossed.

The New Chair

Our living room has been super empty since we moved in almost a year ago. We have been filling up all of the rooms but this one for some reason so we have been on the look out for a chair to fill some of that space.

While driving home from the cemetary yesterday with my mother and brother we passed a house that was selling a chair for $30. It looked like it was in really good condition so I circled back to buy it.

My brother and I carried it down the road and when we finally put it down in my yard, I knew I had to take some pictures.

I wish that I hadn't put the back of the chair to the road because I think it would have looked good against the house but Oh well.I think that I might try this again sometime with my friends though...and all dressed up.