My Church Children

In my church, people are "called" to do different jobs and serve in different capacities. To give of our time and our talents.

It is a pretty great system actually and keeps the church functioning.

Almost a year ago, we were asked to teachers for the Sunday school class for 4 year olds. It is a pretty easy gig. For 40 minutes we teach them about Jesus and have them color pictures and have them talk about their weeks. Then another 40 minutes keeping them quiet while they learn different religious songs and more about Jesus.

When my husband and I got this calling, the leader calling us to this position said, "We hope that while you have this calling you will gain more experience together with children and start to grow your own family."

Well, at the time, I didn't know that I had PCOS but I still thought, "Wow...that is totally none of your business."

Sometimes while teaching these children, I get really desperately sad. I love them. I really really love them. Each and every one of them. But...it is just hard, because right before we go into the big meeting for everyone, I have to help them find their families until it is only Oscar and I left.

The Sunday after Oscar and I found out that we wouldn't be expanding our family quite yet through adoption, I ditched out. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to see them. I didn't want them telling me about their lives or hugging me or wanting to sit on my lap.

I wanted to take them home and keep them forever.

They drew me a picture. It is covered in hearts. Really poorly draw hearts that look more like real heart than I'm sure was intended.

I wish that it wasn't so easy to love children. And I wish that it wasn't so hard to get one for myself.

Not Alright

I feel like I have been a really bad blog friend. I haven't been visiting you guys and I have been horrible about updating. For that I'm sorry.

Here's the scoop. I have been kind of avoiding this blog because I don't even want to think about infertility. While I was in Hawaii, I put all of this stuff out of my mind. (I "just relaxed" if you will.) I wanted to de-stress and get in a better place. Once I got back home though, I knew that it was back to reality. I had to talk with {C} about if this adoption thing was still going to happen.

Here is the sad news crew. Her ex-husband's mother wants the baby. We will call her {B} and you can imagine what that stands for. {B} has talked her son into taking the baby if {C} is going to place the baby for adoption.

So {C} is going to keep the baby.

I'm pretty devastated. During all of this, it was hard to not get my hopes up...to imagine what life would be like with a new baby daughter. I know that according to nature, I didn't physically lose a child. And I know that according to the law, the child was never mine...but I can't help but feel like I lost a child.

What's not fair, is that, the child is still alive...and will never know how much I loved it already. I will never be anyone to this little girl. She will live her whole life and probably never know that I wanted her so badly.

Even though I have a support system of friends and family, I don't want to talk with them about this. I know what they are going to say. "God does everything for a reason." "God has children that He will send to you in His own time." "You will be a great mom someday." "There will be other children." "Everything is going to be alright."

I don't want that. Is it wrong for me to want people crying with me and acknowledging that I lost a child and that for right now everything is not going to be alright?

Have I Done Any Good In the World?

A friend of mine in the RW (real world) is having a blog hop today and I thought that I would join in. This is the first time that I am letting any of my RW friends see my blog...so it is kind of a big deal.

I've wanted this blog to be my safe place and haven. I've told all my closest friends about the problems my husband and I have been having but this blog was a place for safe disclosure. So this is kind of a big deal.

The topic of her blog hop is "Have I Done Any Good in the World Today?" I don't know if I have done any amazing service in the last little bit but I might be hopping on that band wagon soon to help give me a little pick me up. (I've had some bad news lately that I'll share when I'm ready.)

For the sake of the blog hop though, I will write about some of the little stuff I have been doing.

I've been in Hawaii the last couple weeks (I know...I'm blessed.) visiting my husband's family. His grandmother is getting older and needs help doing some things. Most of the service that I have been doing recently was to help her out. Help her up stairs, walking onto the beach, washing dishes....but I love it because I love her. This woman is a grandma...inside and out. She is so wise and feisty and sweet and loving and crafty. She has so much to give to me that it really doesn't seem like service at all when I'm with her. It just happens because there is so much love there.

Doing a good turn daily is something I need to work on for sure. It isn't that hard to say something nice to someone or let them know you care about them. Sometimes that is all it takes.

I was watching the news the other night when they were talking about a man who saved a child who had been kidnapped and someone asked, "What makes him more likely to be a hero than any of the other people who saw this happen?" And the "expert" said, "He acted. He didn't just think 'it is someone else's concern, not mine'. He did something when he saw something."

That was so profound to me. I want to work on that. When I have an impulse to do something good or kind, I need to follow through.