Ohio Wedding

Last month I got to take some more time off of my problems and go to a friends wedding. It was pretty crazy but tons for fun! I was so excited to see all of my old friends and catch up. Luckily none of them have babies and so it wasn't a constant reminder of what I didn't have.

Here are some pictures so you don't have to listen to me ramble about my friends.

As far as infertility news goes, I POAS and it was a BFN...so it looks like "relaxing" in August didn't really do it for me.

Pre-New York City Trip

I have really mixed feelings right now about my trip to New York City tomorrow.

I am going to miss:

• Miss Wheelchair Utah Picnic ( I have a friend who founded Miss Wheelchair Utah and they have a picnic every year before they send off Miss Wheelchair Utah herself to the America Pagent)
• The 4 year olds I teach on Sunday
• The rest of my family's trip to Utah (They are going back to Texas on Saturday)
• My amazing fur babies

Things I am looking forward too:

• I don't have to worry about my fur babies messing up the house or training them
• I get to see my close friend who moved to Florida a year ago
• I get to see New York for the 1st time
• I will be back in a big city again
• My husband and I will get to put more stuff in our Adventure Book (Yes...I so got the idea from UP!)

The thing that is causing me the most sadness right now though is that all through March, April, and May I thought, "By the time August rolls around, I am sure to be pregnant." I thought that even after I was diagnosed with PCOS that it was possible for a baby to happen for us in just 3 months. Back in March and April and May and even June, I thought, "There is so much time until August. It is so far away and I'm bound to be pregnant by then, no problem."

August is here though. I couldn't stop it. But you know what?

This is going to be the best trip ever!

Question Out There For the Ladies

I was just wondering, have you ever known of anyone who a pregnancy test hasn't worked for? Like, when I got a negative before I knew about the PCOS but I hadn't had my period in months my mom would tell me that they never worked for her. She said that she was 12 weeks pregnant before they would say she was pregnant.

It is driving me crazy because I will POAS and get a BFN but I have this voice in the back of my head that says, "It might not be working for you!! You might be the 1% exception and you really are pregnant!"

And what about phantom pregnancy symptoms? I have been feeling super nauseous in the mornings and after eating and at night for the past couple weeks. I was really hoping for morning sickness.

But no...POAS tonight and it is a BFN. It has been 60 days since my last cycle and I'm starting to think that I should take some Provera and start over with my Glucophage. I stopped taking it about 2 or 3 weeks ago because I was waking up every morning with diarrhea and cramps all day long. Sorry for the TMI but it was super awful. My OB/GYN warned me that it has some nasty side effects and she was right!

Coming Out and Saying It

When people ask Oscar and I about having children, I always go the 100% honest route.

"So, when are you and Oscar planning on having kids?"

"Now would be great but I have PCOS so we will see how that goes."

Or...

"When are we going to see some grandchildren?"

"Whenever my eggs decide to come out of hiding. With PCOS I just never know when I am going to ovulate."

This has actually started some really great discussions with people. I have found another girl, in one of my summer classes, who also has PCOS and a woman at church who had a miscarriage and needed someone to talk to.

I've also had some unwanted advice about this whole situation but mostly it has been a really great experience just being honest.

My husband is amazed with how many people open up to me about different things when they barely know me but the truth is, I make people comfortable by first putting myself out there.

People want to share their feelings and they want someone to talk with about their struggles. When I am the brave one first, I am able to be that for them. I would encourage everyone who feels comfortable talking about their struggles and even those who don't, to talk with someone about it. You never know who will surprise you with just the thing that you needed to hear at that time.

Mind Over Matter

Last night as I was trying to drop off to sleep I suddenly had this terrible urge to...a-hem...do the Technicolor yawn. (Don't get excited guys! It probably isn't any form of morning sickness...according to a pregnancy test three days or so ago.)

Usually when I feel nauseous I am able to talk myself out of it. I HATE throwing up. Oscar and I get into the argument all the time about whether it is better to vomit and stop the stomach pain and all feelings of needing to loss our lunch or to focus all my energy on not vomiting and suffering through.

I have always thought that it was a great skill, having this control over my vomit/not vomit reflex.

But last night it got me to thinking, wouldn't it be great if I could will myself to ovulate the same way that I can will myself to keep from tossing my cookies. It would be amazing if I could focus all of my thoughts on that one body system and get just one egg on its way.

Would you think that that would count as relaxing?

A Better Mother Response

After I got the news about my cholesterol and started taking this new medication, I thought that it was time to try talking about PCOS with my mom again.

I told her about what the doctor told me and some extra facts that I had picked up along the way. Apparently sometime to think about what I told her before and thinking about it she realized a few things.

1) PCOS is a real thing that effects more than 1 in 15 women.

2) My grandmother was told that she would have problems getting pregnant because of cysts on her ovaries. (And she had 5 children with long periods of waiting in between.)

3) My mother herself had sporadic periods until she was 21 and her doctor put her on progesterone pills.

4) Doctors have told her that her testosterone levels have always been high.

Surprise Mom! You have PCOS! Or...had? Once her doctors gave her the progesterone her periods started to even out and then come on their own.

I think that once she realized that PCOS wasn't a sentence to childlessness for all eternity, she could cope with it better.

Because PCOS doesn't mean we will never have children. It only means that it is going to be harder and take much longer to hear that pitter patter.

All the Baby Bloggers

I've noticed that lately there have been more and more IF bloggers who have found themselves with a BFPositive!!! When I first started looking for blogs to follow I avoided IF bloggers who were pregnant like the plague. I didn't want to read about anybodies happy news. I was angry and sad and hurt. I only wanted to read blogs about people in my position.

I'm happy to say that I have grown a little. Now I don't see their pregnancies as something to feel anything but joy and hope for. I have heard their stories of struggles. I have walked in their shoes (only a short way) and know how badly they want this.

Now when they announce that they are "in the family way", I feel so happy that this could finally happen for them. I want to follow their pregnancy and send them happy thoughts and good vibes.

I hope that some day I can have bloggers like you cheering me on when I finally get knocked up.

BFNegative-Month 3

It is technically been 4 months now since we started trying to get pregnant.

The OB/GYN said that I can't get on Clomid until we have been trying to at least a year to get pregnant. I guess I should be patient and realize that people have been trying 2,3,4,5 years to get pregnant and 4 months is nothing.

Sometimes I just get so negative. I haven't had a period on my own for about 2 years and I've never had a regular cycle. I feel like waiting for that year mark is hopeless because I might not ovulate for 7 months.

I'm on some new medication though, Glucophage. Hopefully this will normalize my ovulation. But it could be months before I see results...and I am so impatient with this whole thing.

Lately, I have been trying to have fun with my husband and friends. I don't have to be miserable waiting and I think that that is the key to getting through this.

All of the Above

When I was at the OB/GYN's last week she took the time to update my file since my previous doctor didn't leave that many notes on me.

She asked some questions about how long AF has been coming erratically and how long my husband and I have been trying to conceive. I found this conversation particularly enjoyable.

Doctor: Do you have any coarse black hair on you face, nipples, or abdomen?

Phoebe: Yes,

Doctor: Which ones?

Phoebe: Ummm...all of the above?

It is for sure one of my least favorite side effects of the extra testosterone in my system. At least I have a great man who loves me right?

A New OB/GYN

I know that I have been gone for awhile. I have actually been avoiding this blog like the plague. I was getting to involved with it and other people's blogs and all of the bad news was getting to me.

I thought to myself in my innocence, "Maybe I do need to just relax and try and it will happen." Nope.

Another month. Another negative. Another round of progesterone to get me to HAVE a period.

I got a new OB/GYN. My other one moved away and I'm glad that she did because she was awful at helping me. I got a blood test awhile ago done to make sure that it was PCOS and a week later I called in because she hasn't called me the following Monday like she said she would. I asked about the results and the person on the phone told me that the OB/GYN hadn't looked at them yet. A week later I called back again and the girl just told me that everything was normal.

This month I went back to get a yearly exam...yeah for stirrups. I was asking my doctor about PCOS and she told me that I for sure had it because my exam actually showed that I had really elevated testosterone. She also told me that for my age and weight there was no reason for my cholesterol on a fasting test to show as high as they did. She was worried that in a couple years I might already get diabetes.

THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP OLD OB/GYN!!

BFNegative-Month 2

I would have been pretty depressed about the whole negative pregnancy test but I have been getting great advice from friends lately.

The first was from my friend Clarise. I was talking about how I always get scared to take a pregnancy test because I don't want to get my hopes up to high and then feel crushed. She said something to the effect of, "I don't know what you are going through but you should just remember that even if it is a negative this month, it doesn't mean you will never be a mother. It just means that you won't be a mother 9 months from now."

She is right.

And her advice really made me feel like less of a failure when it was once again, a big fat negative.

It is only month two of trying. Fertile women can take up to 6 months sometimes to get pregnant. I shouldn't get frustrated yet.

It just seems like time is going by so slowly. Once the 2ww is over, I just sit and wait for AF to show up again(or make her) but the time between just feels like it goes on forever. This is the space of time where I know I'm not going to get pregnant so I'm just waiting for the end of AF.

I have been pretty open with some people around me about all of this. I have been surprised with how well they have handled it.

When I tell someone I usually brace myself for unwanted advice and try not to get offended too easily. I loved one man comment to me, "My sister just had a baby and it took her years of infertility drugs and medication. They have an in vitro baby now. It was all really tough on my sister and alot of work but doctors are amazing and no matter what, you will be a mom some day."

I'm so glad it wasn't a typical, "Once my sister just relaxed she got pregnant" story. That would have made me want to punch him.

Cheers for good friends and empathic people!

Getting to Me

This was my comment confirmation word they came me. I'm starting to go crazy waiting for the next 2 weeks to pass. Who knows if I even OVULAted?

Support Systems

Yesterday I had one of the best experiences that I have had since I found out about my PCOS. I told you all that I was going to tell my cousin about my "lady issues" as my way of coming out of the infertility closet.

She was exactly the support that I had hoped to get from my immediate family. She told me about some of her experiences when she told her immediate family. I'm so happy that I have someone in the family to talk to about this stuff. She has been dealing for 2+ years with PCOS and is thinking about her options and whether or not she is ready for IVF.

My grandmother had apparently told my cousin that she should talk to my Aunt about her "infertility". Apparently it took my aunt 4 months to get pregnant with her 4th child! That must have been really hard for her.

It is really hard to have friends and family who don't understand how hard it is to not want to hope to hard that in 9 months I will have a baby while at the same time wanting nothing more than to hold that baby.

I know that I am going to have my own baby someday but it is really great to know that I have some real life support from some of my family.

P.S. It should be noted that Oscar is the best support system that I have right now. I'm just talking about people outside of our relationship that I want as an extra support system. My hubby is great.

The Infertility Closet and Me

I know that it is National Infertility Awareness week right now and I want to do something to help infertility come out of the world of taboo but I have mixed feelings about it.

I'm usually such an open person. I tell people everything that is going on in my life normally but this has me petrified. My husband, who I am going to call Oscar (Oscar Wilde...get it?) and I both told our families when we found out about the PCOS which was traumatic enough for me but we haven't told them about TTC. I didn't feel like getting constant questions every time they called to "see how things are going."

Oscar only has one sister who is 25 and not dating anyone. Right now they all think that I am the best bet for grandchildren in the near future. When I found out about this PCOS I felt so guilty. I'm the vessel that was going to hold their grandchildren and now there is no guarantee that I will ever be able to do that. I mean, I haven't had AF on my own in over a year. Who knows if I have even ovulated in the last year. I can't get Oscar's family's hopes up that a baby is going to be on its way for awhile.

On the other hand, when I found out that I had PCOS, I was pretty mad when I found out that there was a history of this in the family and no one ever told me. There wasn't really anything to be done about it, but it would have been nice when I had a host of symptoms to know to be worried.

I have thought about if I was ready to tell everyone about this problem on my "daily life-family" blog or not and I think that I am going to chicken out and not do it. I'm scared of my mother leaving a hostile comment. I'm scared of relatives and old friends leaving sad pity filled comments. I'm scared of letting something out there that I wish wasn't true because then I might realize how serious this could be. I'm scared for people feeling sorry for me or being insensitive about it.

I think what I am going to do, is talk to my cousin with PCOS and tell her. I don't want her to feel like she is alone in this. I'm brave enough to do that.

Getting Control

This has been the first cycle where I have been really keeping track of days and trying to predict when ovulation could be.

Since my husband (I'm going to have to think of a nickname for him) and I are only on month two or really TTC we haven't gotten into the OPKs yet. We just want to try and save our money for when we might really need it.

When I said we were trying it naturally first, I really meant, all natural. I'm trying to use the advice that we all hate hearing and "just relax".

I think that I am still managing to weird out my husband. On the first day of my cycle I got out my day planner and wrote out "CD1" I wanted to start charting so that I can guess the best day. I'm also getting super organized with my plants. I put some seeds in the ground and put in my calendar when I should expect to see some buds coming out of the ground. I think that since I feel like I have no control over what my body is doing, I have to try and control and organize anything that I can.

I'm hoping that the progesterone I took last month will help to remind my ovaries of their jobs. I don't know if that will work but I have my fingers crossed.

CD1 and Growing a Garden

Well today is finally CD1 which makes me happy since once I have a period we can start the BD again. I wasn't counting on seeing AF until later. My OB/GYN told me that AF wouldn't get here for about 10 days but 3 isn't bad. I'll be counting down the days till I am able to try the BD again and hope for the best. I never thought that I would be planning this out so obsessively. Also, I feel like I have learned so much about my body from reading all of the blogs I've been reading.

Until then, I have been working on my garden. I might as well watch something grow. I'm really excited to start getting some fresh produce since I am trying to eat healthier. I want to make sure my body is in the best condition it can be. Wish me luck! Green Thumbs do not run in my family.

Holy Cramping Batman!

When I was growing up I thought that girls were just super whinny. They would talk about how horrible cramps were and won't come to school because it would hurt so bad. I would think, "What is your issue? It isn't that bad."

I thought this because I had never had a "real period" in my life. I didn't know what cramps felt like.

My first month on the pill was THE WORST. This pain was so new. I had never experienced wanted to throw my stomach against a counter to ease the pain. Luckily at that point I was in college with a bunch of girls who felt my pain and gave me all their painkillers and hot bean bags that they had made when they were younger and going through this.

Due to insurance issues (aka not having any) I had to go off the pill after only a couple months.

This month has been even worse than that. I had to take progesterone pills since AF is way passed due so I had to start it on my own. I have been cramping horribly for the passed two days with no AF yet in sight. I'm so miserable. I don't know how women can tolerate this every month since they were 13? 14? (When do normal people start receiving AF?)

My husband is pretty understanding since he has Crohns disease. He knows how bad cramps can get so he is the nicest to me when he knows that I am going through it.

Oh well, I guess it is a good trade off for knowing their stuff works.

At least once my period comes and goes I can give the getting pregnant thing another go...if I ovulate.

Wishing all of your luck on your quests!

Facebook, Stop Rubbing It In!

This might be old news to some of you, but to me, lately it seems like every time I get on facebook, the ads on the sides all say about the same thing.
No facebook...I would not like to follow my no existent baby's growth week by week, but thanks for reminding me about my BFN!Hmmm...let me think about it. Ummmm...NO! Not yet! And no thank you, I already have a free website that is devoted at the moment to my empty uterus.That would be cool if I could get people to buy me presents for my "Woe is Me" party.*sigh* I'm out of snarky things to say.

But, seriously? All of these popped up in just twenty minutes of being on facebook! After the last one, I couldn't take it. I clicked the "X" and told them my reason was because it was offensive. Facebook has made me offended of pregnant women and babies.

Anyone else feel my pain?

Blog Hop

This is the first time that I have joined in on a blog hop and so I hope that I am doing it right.

Welcome to my blog!!!

I just found out that I have PCOS about a month and a half ago. My husband and I were trying to decide when we wanted to have kids and my doctors visit in February came as quite a shock to both of us. We are currently TTC naturally.

I try to write about more than just what is going on with my nether regions. I like to think that I am more than my PCOS. I am trying to explore my talents and this blog was originally going to be for me to write about 2010 and my quest to learn how to sew. It has turned into so much more.

Feel free to read my blog and get to know me.

On A Stick

I knew for a couple weeks that this time was drawing closer...peeing on a stick time. Since AF wasn't looking like she was on the way I had to take some progesterone pills but before that could be done, I had to find out if I was pregnant.

I knew I wasn't pregnant. Or maybe I didn't know but I didn't want to get my hopes up that maybe I was.

For the last couple days I have really just been building myself up to do it. I've been telling myself that it wasn't to find out that I was pregnant but to okay AF heading over.

Finally I did it. I got up the nerve.

Even after telling myself that I wasn't going to care...I did. Staring at that negative stick again feels like it is taking all of my fantasizing and wishing and pulls me back down to the realness that is my PCOS.

I'll build myself back up for next month.