Shutting Down and Healing

I have been thinking about this a lot the past couple of weeks and I have finally decided that I'm going to do this.

I'm shutting down this blog.

I mostly has to do with my goals for this year.

I want to heal. I feel like this blog is bitter and sad. Mostly sad with a tinge of bitter.

You are all so wonderful to me. Thank you so much. This year would have been awful if this wonderful support system hadn't been here for me. Thank you Thank you Thank you.

A new blog is in progress. When I started this one, in the naive beginning, it was for me to share crafts that I was working on, pictures that I had taken, and anything else that I wanted to share.

What I found a year ago was that starting this blog was a blessing in disguise.

There have been a couple women I know who have started their blogs and then within a year they had a baby in their arms or on the way.

What I have is as beautiful. I have a knowledge that I am not alone. I know that I am strong than I thought I was. I have learned that I am filled with love beyond my understanding. I have learned that I am divinely a mother, with or without children.

I wanted to start a blog that brought lovely things into the world. A blog that would also help me and maybe others heal.

I will keep you posted on that blog. I hope when I share it with you that you will follow me over.

New Resolutions

My new resolution for 2011 was, "Don't get bitter."

No amount of anger toward pregnant people or God is going to get me pregnant.

No amount of self pity is going to put a bun in my oven.

No answer of, "Why me?" is on its way to my house at the moment.

I want to be spend the time I have childfree enjoying myself and bettering myself.

After taking last semester off to be a mom to my soon to be adopted baby girl among other things, I am back at school. I thought that it would be a great distraction from what has been going on.

On Tuesday, my friend from Mrs. Potts Thoughts wrote me the sweetest note in the world to let me know, before Facebook Newsfeed told me, that she is expecting another child. I'm so happy for her and I can't wait to hear all of her fun baby news. But it was still hard to hear. I'm not pretending that it didn't phase me but, I don't want to stop being her friend just because she can make babies. I can't base my friendship off of that...because I know logically that it is dumb. She isn't stealing my chance of getting pregnant. She has less control over me getting pregnant than I do.

But yesterday I got a mass message from my friend whose wedding I attended in August telling everyone that she is expecting. I kind of lost it. All of our friends sending messaged back to her telling her how amazing that is. I had a bit of a freak out on the bathroom floor. I will totally admit it. I had a good pity cry for 10 minutes saying, "Why?" Why is this happening to me?

Guess what? No answer. But I felt pretty lame on the floor crying so I stopped and got myself together and moved on.

I'm back on track to not being bitter. I love both of these people and I'm excited for them. I know someday I will be a great mom but not in the foreseeable future. And you know what, that is cool. I have stuff to keep me busy. I have a life to live, with or without a baby.

Facing the Relatives

When the whole "failed adoption" thing happened, I was happy that all I had to do was send out a mass Facebook message to all 4 people who knew what was going on, including my mother. I didn't want anyone to ask me questions or bring it up with me unless I brought it up with them first.

Two months later, I still don't really want to talk about it with much of anyone besides a couple close friends.

So I was a little worried when we were headed to the in-laws house for Christmas. I didn't want Oscar's parents to ask me questions or try to talk it out with me.

It turns out that I didn't really need to worry about those two things...just a couple comments from the mother-in-law that made me feel like she was blaming me.

For example, she started pulling out all of this fabric that she bought, "Look at this fleece I bought. Isn't it perfect for a baby girl?"

"Yeah, that is super cute. I love fleece baby blankets."

"I also got some cute fabric for dresses. Wouldn't this make the perfect little girl's dress?"

"That is so cute!"

"I don't know what I'm going to do with it now though. Hopefully Dee(my sister-in-law)'s friend Michelle is having a baby girl."

Oscar says that she didn't mean anything by it....I'm not so sure.

I was helping her clean up the living room for company and I found a cute little babies blanket and I said, "Oh wow, this is so cute. Where did you get it?"

And she said, "Well, I had to get stuff for that little girl but I guess it is going in storage now."

Maybe I'm crazy or super sensitive right now but it really felt like she was mad at me for "losing" baby {M}.

I was helping my sister-in-law go through fabric for our friend Michelle (she is actually {M} from the Thanksgiving story) because Dee loves making her friends stuff for their babies. We found these fabric projects for the fabric baby books. Dee said to her mom, "Oh wow, these are so cute!" And she said, "Well, which ever one of you gives me my first grandchild gets them."

Ummm...I'm not racing. I told Dee that if I did by some miracle get them first, she could totally have them when she has a baby.

Luckily those were the only real awkward run ins in the baby department.

2 more months before I am officially INFERTILE!!! *Balloons and streamers!!!*

2 months before I am officially in the infertility club. Only one year of TTC and I'm already so tired of this ride. Oh well...the BD hasn't been too bad....At least, Oscar isn't complaining.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Years!

Grateful for None

Pretty much the only time that I'm really grateful that I don't have children, is when I'm traveling. Watching people struggling in the airport to not go crazy trying to juggle all of the stuff that they need, makes me think, "Wow...I'm so glad that I don't have to add that to my traveling stress."

I used to think that if I ever thought something like, "Wow. I'm glad I don't have kids right now", that God would say, "Fine. You WON'T!" But I'm really starting to let go of those superstitions. I think that it's okay to think that. To be grateful of the situation that I'm in.

Oscar and I are already planning a trip to Mexico in June...and I think that I will be happy that I don't have children with me then too. I'm going to enjoy the time alone as a couple to travel.

One of my goals for the New Year, isn't to get pregnant, but to let this be some of the happiest years of our marriage. I don't have any control over getting pregnant, I've discovered. But I do have control over how much I fun and adventure I have with my hubby.

So for today...I'm so glad that I don't have children to juggle in the airport.

On a Lighter Note: Joe

Joe is my most...ummm...colorful Church child. The most ridiculous and amazing things come out of his mouth sometimes.

Last Sunday he helped me realize that I'm totally ready to be a mom.

He has to go to the bathroom and so we headed down to the bathroom. He is old enough to take care of "business" himself which is awesome. He came out of the bathroom rather quickly and so I figured that he hadn't washed his hands but I wasn't sure.

Here is the conversation we had.

Phoebe: Joe, did you wash your hands?

Joe: Yes.

Phoebe: Please don't lie to me. Did you wash your hands?

Joe: YES!

Phoebe: Hold out your hands.

(I figured that if he has washed his hands they would be cold and/or wet. I touched his hand.)

Phoebe: Lets go back in the bathroom and wash your hands.

Joe: HOW DID YOU KNOW!?!?

Phoebe: I'm not a mom yet, but I'm in training.

I suddenly understood how my mother seemed to always know when I was lying...I wasn't that smart yet.

Another gem was when we were in, what we call, Singing Time. It is when we sing about Jesus and those sorts of things. While we were learning a new song about Christmas, the chorister asked, "What action do you think we should do for "In Bethlehem"?

Joe seriously STOOD UP and said (with actions), "We should hammer nails in His HANDS!"

In his defense...we had been talking about the crucifixion in class. One of the children had asked how Jesus died...Apparently he was paying attention.

Grateful For the Time Together

Oscar and I have so much fun with each other. I know that when we have children, we will still have tons of fun together but I think that right now, I need to focus on how fun it is with only the two of us.

When Oscar and I first got married, I was planning on waiting at least 3 years before having children. After awhile I started to think, "Wow...three years sounds like such a long time. I don't know...maybe I will want to have children before then." It has been a year and a half and it has gone by so quickly. I'm so happy that I married my best friend. We have known each other for 3 years now and I have had so much fun with him. Even if it takes awhile for us to grow into a family of 3, I'm glad that I get to spend the "meantime" with him.

The Worst Dreams....

....are the ones you don't want to wake up from.

I had a dream like that last night.

Oscar and I were on a road trip to see my family and I went into labor. We stopped at a hospital and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I sat there holding him for what seemed like hours as we drove. I was trying to think of a name.

We got to my parents house and we showed them our new baby. They were all taking turns holding him and they kept asking me what his name was.

Zachary. We'll call him Zack.

I love that name. I've only met two Zacks in my life and they were both awesome guys.

I wanted to remember all of these details from my dream but they are leaving now. I remember giving him to someone to hold but they lost him and when I woke up, I was still searching for my baby boy.

I've been awake for a couple hours now...and I still want to go back. Back to my missing baby boy.

Every time I have dreams like this, I think that it is a message from God, telling me that I'm pregnant.

But it's not. It never is.

I Could Totally Do That...And Better!

Do you guys ever look at other parents and think, "Oh my gosh, they are totally messing up that kid! Why aren't I a mom? I would be the best mom ever. My kids would be so well behaved."

Yeah...I do that every Sunday. When I'm teaching these children at church I do it all the time. Somethings are simpler, like, "Why didn't she brush her daughters hair?" But somethings are bigger issues, like, "Wow, I would never home school for this reason."

While I think about this, I also think, "Maybe God is waiting to give me children when I'm more humble."

A couple months after finding out that I had PCOS I started doing this horrible thing...want to hear it? (I'm so glad that only one person I know in RL knows me.) I mean, this is REALLY prideful.

When I see people with kids, I look at the adults with them and decided whether or not I think they "deserve" kids.

Like if the man is wearing a wife beater and looking scuzzy...I think, "Wow...he gets to be a parent."

Or if some woman is walking through a mall with her kid in a stroller and she is talking on the phone, I think, "That poor child is neglected but that awful woman."

Some of them are positive. I see some people and I think, "I want to be exactly like her."

HOW SUPER JUDGMENTAL IS THAT?!?!?!?

Today was one of those days where I thought, "There is a ton of stuff you need to work on before you become a mom." I mean...come on. It is NOT my job to decide who gets what kids and when.

On a Lighter Note: Pippen

I read a great quote the other day that I totally agree with.

"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."

I'm scared that this blog lends itself to sadness. Since it is my outlet for sorrowful and frustrated feelings, it sounds like I never laugh. Like I never love my life.

But I do. I love my life. My family and friends blog is full of things that hubby and I are up too. Things that make us happy and make us laugh.

Here is one of my favorite things right now.

Awkward Moments

Yesterday was a total reminder to me why you shouldn't try and adopt a baby from someone that you knew from high school.

At the time, it seemed like it was destiny. {C} was pregnant and didn't know if she could keep the baby and was going to adoption agencies trying to find a couple to place her baby with. She wanted to place baby {M} with someone that she knew...and then there was me.

But now it is over and everything is awful.

The worst part is that everyone from my high school knows her too and they want to talk about little baby {M}.

Of course I know {C} had her baby...but I can't say, "I know. She was going to be my daughter." People bring it up in conversation and ask me if I have seen pictures of her, ask me if I knew, try and tell me about her divorce.

Some people say to never adopt from someone that you know. I don't know about that. But I would say, never try to adopt from someone that all of your friends know.

Tomorrow I will try and post something a bit happier.

My Thanksgiving Story

Well, it has been said before by many people in the IF community that the holidays are the worst time for us because it is so family oriented.

This Thanksgiving though, I decided to get together with my family that are close by and some friends that didn't have anywhere to go for dinner. It was still a pretty small group of 6 but it was nice to all be together for the holiday.

We ate at 2:30pm and it was amazing. At 4 though...everything kind of turned. At 4, my friend {M} announced that she was pregnant.

I'm happy for her. I don't want you guys to think that I wanted to throw her out of my house for getting knocked up but ...it wasn't something that I really wanted to think about just then.

The next 3 or 4 hours was spent calling all of her family and friends on skype and making the big announcement. So...there I was. Sitting on my couch with a piece of cherry pie listening to the "I'm pregnant" song, followed with the chorus of "That is so wonderful! We are so excited for you! When you are you due? How has morning sickness been? When will you find out if it is a boy or a girl?"

She is a wonderful person and her loved ones have a right to be happy and want to celebrate with her but it was just so hard guys.

One thing that got me through though was thinking, "I'm so going to blog about this. The ladies will love this CLASSIC story."

I would have been happier for her, I think, if her and her husband had at least been trying to have a baby. But no...it was a surprise. And "surprises" seem to only add fuel to the "if you stop worrying about it, it will just happen" fire.

I'm so excited for Christmas. I'm sure someone else is secretly pregnant right now too.

My Last List of Thankful

I really left all of this to the last minute!

16) I'm thankful for my mother. I'm so glad that I talked to her to yesterday when I was trying to make sure Thanksgiving happened at my house.

17) I'm thankful for policemen who work on Thanksgiving and can come to the aid of people in trouble. I'm just not so grateful that I had to see them last night when my friend got in a car accident.

18) I'm thankful for the internet...for so many different reasons but today it is because I can do Black Friday shopping without getting murdered.

19) I'm thankful for double paned windows so that I can be warm all night and not have a crazy electric bill.

20) I'm thankful for old enemies that can turn into new acquaintances (because we were all stupid in high school anyway.)

21) I'm thankful for a husband who supports me in all my dreams and totally believes in me even when I don't. I know I already said Oscar but I seriously love and appreciate so many things about him.

22) I'm thankful for dog sweaters...because whoever thought of them has a great friend in my fur baby Pippen. He can play in the Utah weather all he wants now.

23) Food. Last nights food was amazing!!! I don't know about you guys but life wouldn't be worth it in the winter if there wasn't pumpkin pie. There should always be pumpkin pie. That's a breakfast food too, right?

24) People who are willing to drive an hour and a half to spend the holiday with me.

25) Blogging buddies!! Because it is nice to know that I have people who understand what I am feeling and are on my side. You are all so great to me.

26) Jesus...because, come on, He is pretty awesome. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my faith. It is seriously so amazing to have a Heavenly Father who listens to me and cares about me...even if He doesn't answer my prayers right away.

I hope you enjoy todays post because...tomorrow I'm going to tell you a story about my Thanksgiving that is mostly sweet but a little sad.

Happy Holidays guys! Drive safe!

Not Glad Sunday

Lately I have been realizing that I'm a bit of a control freak. If people (especially my poor husband) aren't doing something the way I think it should be done or want it done, I get really irritated. I think sometimes, I'm a bit hard on my kids at Church. But not in this story.

On Sunday, one of the kids, we'll call him {T}, needed to go to the bathroom. He had been misbehaving for an hour already, being a total pill. Running through the halls, hitting other kids with a folder, taking things out of my bag and playing with them without asking...you get the picture. Not what I would expect from a 5 year old.

I take him to the men's room and stand outside waiting for him. He is a big boy and can take care of himself. The door that I was standing outside of has a window. The window is bubble paned so I can't "see" anything but I can see what is going on inside when {T} isn't at a urinal or in a stall.

After a couple minutes {T} comes back into view. And he is running up and down in front of the stalls and climbing onto the sink. At first, I thought that he might be looking for something or trying to figure something out but after a couple more minutes, I become convinced that he isn't really doing anything. So I crack open the door and yell, "{T}, I can see you through the window. Stop it and come out."

A man walks past me into the bathroom and says, "I'll get him."

I hear {T}, "I need a paper towel. I can't reach."

The man gets the paper towel and leads {T} to the door.

As I'm walking him back to class, this group of mild age men that have been standing near by start laughing and one says in a high voice, "I can see you through the window!" And another says, "Wait till someone is screaming at your kid."

And a man who my husband and I had talked to about our hopeful adoption (He and his wife have adopted 4 kids of their own) said, "Doesn't that make you glad you don't have any?"

No. It doesn't make me glad. Not glad at all.

The Last 6 Weeks

Maybe I'm a total bitch but I really wanted to write, "Being able to have a baby should have made the last six weeks worth it."

This is one of my friends who got married and about a week into the marriage she was pregnant. Before she got married she told me that she believed in the "When God wants to give me a baby, I'll have a baby" birth control.

I have a HUGE rant about that "form of birth control". But for now, I want to write about things that made my last six weeks worth it.

10) My in-laws. I have a great sister-in-law who is always so sweet to me. She helped me plan my wedding because my real sister is always too busy to help me with anything. She sits and lets me talk to her about the adoption falling through.

11) Soup!! I love soup and it is the perfect weather for it. It is the best friend that my belly could have.

12) Warm showers!! Whenever I have a cold, I hop in a warm shower. Anytime I have sore muscles, I hop in a warm shower. If I've been outside in the cold too long and I can't feel my toes, I hop in a warm shower. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a water heater.

13) My church children. They are so fun to see every week. I'm so glad that I get to hear their innocent thoughts on things. Yesterday they made thank you cards for the woman who plays the music for us. But one of the kids drew a pictures of me as an alien. If I was an alien, I would 3 mouths, 5 legs and curly fingers...just so you know.

14) My oven. I think I figured out why people bake cookies and things throughout the whole Christmas season. IT IS SO WARM!! I baked cookies for a party that I had the other day and I loved it so much!!! I get to stay warm and I get cookies. My oven makes me happy.

15) Netflix. I know...this one is kind of lame in the grand scheme of things. Netflix is super awesome though. Since I have been sitting in bed and moping most of the last 6 weeks, I have watched a ton of instant videos on Netflix. They are made of magic.

More Gratitude with Attitude

More Things That Are Awesome:

7) I got to see baby {M}. This was the baby that would have been my baby...that isn't. I thought that it would be awful to see her little face. I had to change my whole way of thinking to be alright with this though. I had to go from thinking, "That would have been my baby. My beautiful baby." To, "{C} is so blessed to have this little one in her life. I'm so happy that {C} loves her baby so much and would do anything for her. They are so lucky to have each other." {M} is beautiful...by the way.

Most newborns are GROSS!! I mean...little aliens. (Am I right? They need a couple days to...fix that...) But not {M}. {M} is perfect. She is perfect, like my babies will be someday.

8) My Little Brothers! They are awesome! Since my sister doesn't know where this blog is, I can speak freely. She is crazy. I love her but she is crazy. Like...made me change my wedding date because it was too close to her anniversary, crazy.

No one understands my sense of humor like my brothers do. We can laugh and talk for days on end. Trips with my brothers are great! I'm planning a trip next summer to Mexico with one of them. I can tell them about anything and they can turn it around and make me laugh. Happiest people that I know. I want to have lots of kids so that they can all be as close as my brothers and me.

9) My parents. They gave me an awesome life. My mom's goal is raising me was to give me a life better than hers and she has. Both of my parents have given me so much. An understand that Home really is where the Heart is. And my heart is my family. There is no foundation stronger than a good family. My parents also taught me that blood does not a family make. I was taught that amazing friends are family too. No matter what you were born into, you can make that strong family foundation.

Now that you all think that I am adorable...I will sign off. Some day you will probably find out that in real life...I'm not so nice. :)

On a Lighter Note: My Neck

Okay, so...this might not seem like it is going to be a funny story but I give you permission to laugh.

I have been struggling to get rid of this cold lately(I was enjoying the excuse to stay in bed and mope). Well last Monday I wanted some peached and cream to make me feel a little better (mentally...not physically. I realize that drinking dairy is bad for me while I have a sinus infection.) so I poured myself a bowl of cream and went to town. When my husband came into the room as I finished the last bites he said, "Oh my gosh! That is expired! Can't you see the chunks!"

I had not...I couldn't really taste it so I wasn't paying too much attention.

That night I got terribly sick. Everything coming out of both ends. Am I painting you a pretty picture?s

Long story short...I gave myself

WHIP LASH!

from puking my guts out.

That is right, ladies and gentlemen. I have been pretty much bed ridden since then from the pain in my neck and back. My husband's mother is a physical therapist and so she set me up really nicely. Pain killers and limited movement. Anti inflammatory and muscle relaxers.

Please...someone tell me that you have an even crazier/ridiculous accident story.

(Did I ever tell you guys about the time I broke my foot stepping in a gopher hole? I never said I was a role model.)

I will write about more things I'm grateful for tomorrow.

Picking Myself Up

It is time to pick myself back up and end my super boring pity party. Boo!!

I can be happy without a baby right now. I need to start focusing on all the good around me.

A couple days ago I was lucky enough to hear some people speak about gratitude and embracing the happy and rolling with the punches.

I'm in charge of my happiness even if I'm not in charge of my ovaries.

For Thanksgiving month, I thought that it would be fun to write about things that I'm thankful for. I'm going to try and do one for every day of the month.

1) My husband. Oscar is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm so lucky that he wanted to marry me.

2) My home. We were so blessed to be able to afford a home especially in this economy.

3) Oscar's job. He has such a stable job. And stable jobs equal sane wives. And that makes Oscar happy.

4) Our family. Both of us have really fun supportive family near by. We get to go and visit them at least once a month. It is so great.

5) My fur babies. As hard as they can be sometime...I love them. I love how fun they are and how cuddly they can be. I love training them and practicing their tricks.

6) The weather. Even though I'm not a fan of cold weather, I'm starting to enjoy the cold. It is perfect snuggle weather. Seriously...after all of the warm weather and my husband saying, "You are too warm! You're making me sweaty!" it is great to have some cool snuggle weather.

The Day That Should Have Been Great

{C}'s baby was born yesterday.

It would have been my baby's birthday.

November 2, 2010.

Her and I are friends on Facebook since we knew each other growing up. I can't decide whether to delete her or not. Part of me is curious...I want to see what this little girl looks like. I want her to post pictures. And on the other hands...it will totally rip me up inside.

Someday I will have my own baby. I know that. I wish that someday was closer to today.

Today would have been great.

On a Lighter Note: Boogers

Facts You Need to Know:

Church starts at 9.

I don't normally do my hair for church because... I don't want to wake up early to do my hair.

I normally wear it up so that it is out of my face.

In October, the children do a service in church were they sing and share small testimonies of Jesus.

In the Latter Day Saint Church we call it the Primary Program.

I hate sticky fingers.

My Story:

On Sunday we had the Primary Program and since I was going to be sitting in front of everyone sitting with their children, I decided to do my hair. It was one of the only times since January that I have done my hair. I straightened it and wore it down. It apparently was a bad idea.

I knew that kids could be distracted with anything...but I don't think that I understood to what extend. These three boys could NOT keep their hands out of my hair. I had two boys on either side on me and one boy sitting with my husband behind me. At one point all of them where petting me or pretending to cut my hair with their hands.

After church my husband and I had this conversation:

Me: I couldn't believe how distracted all of the boys were by my hair. It was insane!

Oscar: Yeah, I spend the whole time getting {T} to either get his hands out of your hair or out of his nose.

Me: WHAT?! Why didn't you stop him? He put that in my hair!!

Oscar: Calm down. He would eat the booger off his finger first.

And that is why Oscar and I are going to stop TTC!

Not really...but I thought about it...while I was in the shower disinfecting myself!!

Post Halloween Blues

Well...Halloween is over. Boy was it tough for me this year. I read about what some other people in this community said about Halloween being tough for them and I must agree. I mean, what could be worse then people ringing your door bell every 5 minutes and when you open the door it is, "Look at my adorable children!! We have so much fun doing family thinks together!"

Awesome...

Not to mention all of the functions in the community for children and families. This is a picture from one of our church parties. Do you know what I would love? Dressing up my little girls like fairies. That would be awesome.Possibly one of the worst pictures of me ever (!) but I was so happy that this little girl that I teach ({E}) and I both came as Tinkerbelle! My costume was of the last minute, thrown together variety but I love this picture of us together.

And there is no rule saying that just because I'm not a mom, I can't play dress up too!