Shutting Down and Healing

I have been thinking about this a lot the past couple of weeks and I have finally decided that I'm going to do this.

I'm shutting down this blog.

I mostly has to do with my goals for this year.

I want to heal. I feel like this blog is bitter and sad. Mostly sad with a tinge of bitter.

You are all so wonderful to me. Thank you so much. This year would have been awful if this wonderful support system hadn't been here for me. Thank you Thank you Thank you.

A new blog is in progress. When I started this one, in the naive beginning, it was for me to share crafts that I was working on, pictures that I had taken, and anything else that I wanted to share.

What I found a year ago was that starting this blog was a blessing in disguise.

There have been a couple women I know who have started their blogs and then within a year they had a baby in their arms or on the way.

What I have is as beautiful. I have a knowledge that I am not alone. I know that I am strong than I thought I was. I have learned that I am filled with love beyond my understanding. I have learned that I am divinely a mother, with or without children.

I wanted to start a blog that brought lovely things into the world. A blog that would also help me and maybe others heal.

I will keep you posted on that blog. I hope when I share it with you that you will follow me over.

New Resolutions

My new resolution for 2011 was, "Don't get bitter."

No amount of anger toward pregnant people or God is going to get me pregnant.

No amount of self pity is going to put a bun in my oven.

No answer of, "Why me?" is on its way to my house at the moment.

I want to be spend the time I have childfree enjoying myself and bettering myself.

After taking last semester off to be a mom to my soon to be adopted baby girl among other things, I am back at school. I thought that it would be a great distraction from what has been going on.

On Tuesday, my friend from Mrs. Potts Thoughts wrote me the sweetest note in the world to let me know, before Facebook Newsfeed told me, that she is expecting another child. I'm so happy for her and I can't wait to hear all of her fun baby news. But it was still hard to hear. I'm not pretending that it didn't phase me but, I don't want to stop being her friend just because she can make babies. I can't base my friendship off of that...because I know logically that it is dumb. She isn't stealing my chance of getting pregnant. She has less control over me getting pregnant than I do.

But yesterday I got a mass message from my friend whose wedding I attended in August telling everyone that she is expecting. I kind of lost it. All of our friends sending messaged back to her telling her how amazing that is. I had a bit of a freak out on the bathroom floor. I will totally admit it. I had a good pity cry for 10 minutes saying, "Why?" Why is this happening to me?

Guess what? No answer. But I felt pretty lame on the floor crying so I stopped and got myself together and moved on.

I'm back on track to not being bitter. I love both of these people and I'm excited for them. I know someday I will be a great mom but not in the foreseeable future. And you know what, that is cool. I have stuff to keep me busy. I have a life to live, with or without a baby.

Facing the Relatives

When the whole "failed adoption" thing happened, I was happy that all I had to do was send out a mass Facebook message to all 4 people who knew what was going on, including my mother. I didn't want anyone to ask me questions or bring it up with me unless I brought it up with them first.

Two months later, I still don't really want to talk about it with much of anyone besides a couple close friends.

So I was a little worried when we were headed to the in-laws house for Christmas. I didn't want Oscar's parents to ask me questions or try to talk it out with me.

It turns out that I didn't really need to worry about those two things...just a couple comments from the mother-in-law that made me feel like she was blaming me.

For example, she started pulling out all of this fabric that she bought, "Look at this fleece I bought. Isn't it perfect for a baby girl?"

"Yeah, that is super cute. I love fleece baby blankets."

"I also got some cute fabric for dresses. Wouldn't this make the perfect little girl's dress?"

"That is so cute!"

"I don't know what I'm going to do with it now though. Hopefully Dee(my sister-in-law)'s friend Michelle is having a baby girl."

Oscar says that she didn't mean anything by it....I'm not so sure.

I was helping her clean up the living room for company and I found a cute little babies blanket and I said, "Oh wow, this is so cute. Where did you get it?"

And she said, "Well, I had to get stuff for that little girl but I guess it is going in storage now."

Maybe I'm crazy or super sensitive right now but it really felt like she was mad at me for "losing" baby {M}.

I was helping my sister-in-law go through fabric for our friend Michelle (she is actually {M} from the Thanksgiving story) because Dee loves making her friends stuff for their babies. We found these fabric projects for the fabric baby books. Dee said to her mom, "Oh wow, these are so cute!" And she said, "Well, which ever one of you gives me my first grandchild gets them."

Ummm...I'm not racing. I told Dee that if I did by some miracle get them first, she could totally have them when she has a baby.

Luckily those were the only real awkward run ins in the baby department.

2 more months before I am officially INFERTILE!!! *Balloons and streamers!!!*

2 months before I am officially in the infertility club. Only one year of TTC and I'm already so tired of this ride. Oh well...the BD hasn't been too bad....At least, Oscar isn't complaining.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Years!

Grateful for None

Pretty much the only time that I'm really grateful that I don't have children, is when I'm traveling. Watching people struggling in the airport to not go crazy trying to juggle all of the stuff that they need, makes me think, "Wow...I'm so glad that I don't have to add that to my traveling stress."

I used to think that if I ever thought something like, "Wow. I'm glad I don't have kids right now", that God would say, "Fine. You WON'T!" But I'm really starting to let go of those superstitions. I think that it's okay to think that. To be grateful of the situation that I'm in.

Oscar and I are already planning a trip to Mexico in June...and I think that I will be happy that I don't have children with me then too. I'm going to enjoy the time alone as a couple to travel.

One of my goals for the New Year, isn't to get pregnant, but to let this be some of the happiest years of our marriage. I don't have any control over getting pregnant, I've discovered. But I do have control over how much I fun and adventure I have with my hubby.

So for today...I'm so glad that I don't have children to juggle in the airport.

On a Lighter Note: Joe

Joe is my most...ummm...colorful Church child. The most ridiculous and amazing things come out of his mouth sometimes.

Last Sunday he helped me realize that I'm totally ready to be a mom.

He has to go to the bathroom and so we headed down to the bathroom. He is old enough to take care of "business" himself which is awesome. He came out of the bathroom rather quickly and so I figured that he hadn't washed his hands but I wasn't sure.

Here is the conversation we had.

Phoebe: Joe, did you wash your hands?

Joe: Yes.

Phoebe: Please don't lie to me. Did you wash your hands?

Joe: YES!

Phoebe: Hold out your hands.

(I figured that if he has washed his hands they would be cold and/or wet. I touched his hand.)

Phoebe: Lets go back in the bathroom and wash your hands.

Joe: HOW DID YOU KNOW!?!?

Phoebe: I'm not a mom yet, but I'm in training.

I suddenly understood how my mother seemed to always know when I was lying...I wasn't that smart yet.

Another gem was when we were in, what we call, Singing Time. It is when we sing about Jesus and those sorts of things. While we were learning a new song about Christmas, the chorister asked, "What action do you think we should do for "In Bethlehem"?

Joe seriously STOOD UP and said (with actions), "We should hammer nails in His HANDS!"

In his defense...we had been talking about the crucifixion in class. One of the children had asked how Jesus died...Apparently he was paying attention.

Grateful For the Time Together

Oscar and I have so much fun with each other. I know that when we have children, we will still have tons of fun together but I think that right now, I need to focus on how fun it is with only the two of us.

When Oscar and I first got married, I was planning on waiting at least 3 years before having children. After awhile I started to think, "Wow...three years sounds like such a long time. I don't know...maybe I will want to have children before then." It has been a year and a half and it has gone by so quickly. I'm so happy that I married my best friend. We have known each other for 3 years now and I have had so much fun with him. Even if it takes awhile for us to grow into a family of 3, I'm glad that I get to spend the "meantime" with him.

The Worst Dreams....

....are the ones you don't want to wake up from.

I had a dream like that last night.

Oscar and I were on a road trip to see my family and I went into labor. We stopped at a hospital and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I sat there holding him for what seemed like hours as we drove. I was trying to think of a name.

We got to my parents house and we showed them our new baby. They were all taking turns holding him and they kept asking me what his name was.

Zachary. We'll call him Zack.

I love that name. I've only met two Zacks in my life and they were both awesome guys.

I wanted to remember all of these details from my dream but they are leaving now. I remember giving him to someone to hold but they lost him and when I woke up, I was still searching for my baby boy.

I've been awake for a couple hours now...and I still want to go back. Back to my missing baby boy.

Every time I have dreams like this, I think that it is a message from God, telling me that I'm pregnant.

But it's not. It never is.