Phoebe Gone Wilde

Shutting Down and Healing

2011-01-17T23:06:00.002-07:00

I have been thinking about this a lot the past couple of weeks and I have finally decided that I'm going to do this.

I'm shutting down this blog.

I mostly has to do with my goals for this year.

I want to heal. I feel like this blog is bitter and sad. Mostly sad with a tinge of bitter.

You are all so wonderful to me. Thank you so much. This year would have been awful if this wonderful support system hadn't been here for me. Thank you Thank you Thank you.

A new blog is in progress. When I started this one, in the naive beginning, it was for me to share crafts that I was working on, pictures that I had taken, and anything else that I wanted to share.

What I found a year ago was that starting this blog was a blessing in disguise.

There have been a couple women I know who have started their blogs and then within a year they had a baby in their arms or on the way.

What I have is as beautiful. I have a knowledge that I am not alone. I know that I am strong than I thought I was. I have learned that I am filled with love beyond my understanding. I have learned that I am divinely a mother, with or without children.

I wanted to start a blog that brought lovely things into the world. A blog that would also help me and maybe others heal.

I will keep you posted on that blog. I hope when I share it with you that you will follow me over.

New Resolutions

2011-01-06T11:23:00.002-07:00

My new resolution for 2011 was, "Don't get bitter."

No amount of anger toward pregnant people or God is going to get me pregnant.

No amount of self pity is going to put a bun in my oven.

No answer of, "Why me?" is on its way to my house at the moment.

I want to be spend the time I have childfree enjoying myself and bettering myself.

After taking last semester off to be a mom to my soon to be adopted baby girl among other things, I am back at school. I thought that it would be a great distraction from what has been going on.

On Tuesday, my friend from Mrs. Potts Thoughts wrote me the sweetest note in the world to let me know, before Facebook Newsfeed told me, that she is expecting another child. I'm so happy for her and I can't wait to hear all of her fun baby news. But it was still hard to hear. I'm not pretending that it didn't phase me but, I don't want to stop being her friend just because she can make babies. I can't base my friendship off of that...because I know logically that it is dumb. She isn't stealing my chance of getting pregnant. She has less control over me getting pregnant than I do.

But yesterday I got a mass message from my friend whose wedding I attended in August telling everyone that she is expecting. I kind of lost it. All of our friends sending messaged back to her telling her how amazing that is. I had a bit of a freak out on the bathroom floor. I will totally admit it. I had a good pity cry for 10 minutes saying, "Why?" Why is this happening to me?

Guess what? No answer. But I felt pretty lame on the floor crying so I stopped and got myself together and moved on.

I'm back on track to not being bitter. I love both of these people and I'm excited for them. I know someday I will be a great mom but not in the foreseeable future. And you know what, that is cool. I have stuff to keep me busy. I have a life to live, with or without a baby.

Facing the Relatives

2010-12-30T15:23:00.002-07:00

When the whole "failed adoption" thing happened, I was happy that all I had to do was send out a mass Facebook message to all 4 people who knew what was going on, including my mother. I didn't want anyone to ask me questions or bring it up with me unless I brought it up with them first.

Two months later, I still don't really want to talk about it with much of anyone besides a couple close friends.

So I was a little worried when we were headed to the in-laws house for Christmas. I didn't want Oscar's parents to ask me questions or try to talk it out with me.

It turns out that I didn't really need to worry about those two things...just a couple comments from the mother-in-law that made me feel like she was blaming me.

For example, she started pulling out all of this fabric that she bought, "Look at this fleece I bought. Isn't it perfect for a baby girl?"

"Yeah, that is super cute. I love fleece baby blankets."

"I also got some cute fabric for dresses. Wouldn't this make the perfect little girl's dress?"

"That is so cute!"

"I don't know what I'm going to do with it now though. Hopefully Dee(my sister-in-law)'s friend Michelle is having a baby girl."

Oscar says that she didn't mean anything by it....I'm not so sure.

I was helping her clean up the living room for company and I found a cute little babies blanket and I said, "Oh wow, this is so cute. Where did you get it?"

And she said, "Well, I had to get stuff for that little girl but I guess it is going in storage now."

Maybe I'm crazy or super sensitive right now but it really felt like she was mad at me for "losing" baby {M}.

I was helping my sister-in-law go through fabric for our friend Michelle (she is actually {M} from the Thanksgiving story) because Dee loves making her friends stuff for their babies. We found these fabric projects for the fabric baby books. Dee said to her mom, "Oh wow, these are so cute!" And she said, "Well, which ever one of you gives me my first grandchild gets them."

Ummm...I'm not racing. I told Dee that if I did by some miracle get them first, she could totally have them when she has a baby.

Luckily those were the only real awkward run ins in the baby department.

2 more months before I am officially INFERTILE!!! *Balloons and streamers!!!*

2 months before I am officially in the infertility club. Only one year of TTC and I'm already so tired of this ride. Oh well...the BD hasn't been too bad....At least, Oscar isn't complaining.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Years!

Grateful for None

2010-12-23T00:00:00.002-07:00

Pretty much the only time that I'm really grateful that I don't have children, is when I'm traveling. Watching people struggling in the airport to not go crazy trying to juggle all of the stuff that they need, makes me think, "Wow...I'm so glad that I don't have to add that to my traveling stress."

I used to think that if I ever thought something like, "Wow. I'm glad I don't have kids right now", that God would say, "Fine. You WON'T!" But I'm really starting to let go of those superstitions. I think that it's okay to think that. To be grateful of the situation that I'm in.

Oscar and I are already planning a trip to Mexico in June...and I think that I will be happy that I don't have children with me then too. I'm going to enjoy the time alone as a couple to travel.

One of my goals for the New Year, isn't to get pregnant, but to let this be some of the happiest years of our marriage. I don't have any control over getting pregnant, I've discovered. But I do have control over how much I fun and adventure I have with my hubby.

So for today...I'm so glad that I don't have children to juggle in the airport.

On a Lighter Note: Joe

2010-12-14T01:43:00.003-07:00

Joe is my most...ummm...colorful Church child. The most ridiculous and amazing things come out of his mouth sometimes.

Last Sunday he helped me realize that I'm totally ready to be a mom.

He has to go to the bathroom and so we headed down to the bathroom. He is old enough to take care of "business" himself which is awesome. He came out of the bathroom rather quickly and so I figured that he hadn't washed his hands but I wasn't sure.

Here is the conversation we had.

Phoebe: Joe, did you wash your hands?

Joe: Yes.

Phoebe: Please don't lie to me. Did you wash your hands?

Joe: YES!

Phoebe: Hold out your hands.

(I figured that if he has washed his hands they would be cold and/or wet. I touched his hand.)

Phoebe: Lets go back in the bathroom and wash your hands.

Joe: HOW DID YOU KNOW!?!?

Phoebe: I'm not a mom yet, but I'm in training.

I suddenly understood how my mother seemed to always know when I was lying...I wasn't that smart yet.

Another gem was when we were in, what we call, Singing Time. It is when we sing about Jesus and those sorts of things. While we were learning a new song about Christmas, the chorister asked, "What action do you think we should do for "In Bethlehem"?

Joe seriously STOOD UP and said (with actions), "We should hammer nails in His HANDS!"

In his defense...we had been talking about the crucifixion in class. One of the children had asked how Jesus died...Apparently he was paying attention.

Grateful For the Time Together

2010-12-11T23:33:00.004-07:00

Oscar and I have so much fun with each other. I know that when we have children, we will still have tons of fun together but I think that right now, I need to focus on how fun it is with only the two of us.

When Oscar and I first got married, I was planning on waiting at least 3 years before having children. After awhile I started to think, "Wow...three years sounds like such a long time. I don't know...maybe I will want to have children before then." It has been a year and a half and it has gone by so quickly. I'm so happy that I married my best friend. We have known each other for 3 years now and I have had so much fun with him. Even if it takes awhile for us to grow into a family of 3, I'm glad that I get to spend the "meantime" with him.

The Worst Dreams....

2010-12-09T13:12:00.003-07:00

....are the ones you don't want to wake up from.

I had a dream like that last night.

Oscar and I were on a road trip to see my family and I went into labor. We stopped at a hospital and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I sat there holding him for what seemed like hours as we drove. I was trying to think of a name.

We got to my parents house and we showed them our new baby. They were all taking turns holding him and they kept asking me what his name was.

Zachary. We'll call him Zack.

I love that name. I've only met two Zacks in my life and they were both awesome guys.

I wanted to remember all of these details from my dream but they are leaving now. I remember giving him to someone to hold but they lost him and when I woke up, I was still searching for my baby boy.

I've been awake for a couple hours now...and I still want to go back. Back to my missing baby boy.

Every time I have dreams like this, I think that it is a message from God, telling me that I'm pregnant.

But it's not. It never is.

I Could Totally Do That...And Better!

2010-12-01T00:37:00.000-07:00

Do you guys ever look at other parents and think, "Oh my gosh, they are totally messing up that kid! Why aren't I a mom? I would be the best mom ever. My kids would be so well behaved."

Yeah...I do that every Sunday. When I'm teaching these children at church I do it all the time. Somethings are simpler, like, "Why didn't she brush her daughters hair?" But somethings are bigger issues, like, "Wow, I would never home school for this reason."

While I think about this, I also think, "Maybe God is waiting to give me children when I'm more humble."

A couple months after finding out that I had PCOS I started doing this horrible thing...want to hear it? (I'm so glad that only one person I know in RL knows me.) I mean, this is REALLY prideful.

When I see people with kids, I look at the adults with them and decided whether or not I think they "deserve" kids.

Like if the man is wearing a wife beater and looking scuzzy...I think, "Wow...he gets to be a parent."

Or if some woman is walking through a mall with her kid in a stroller and she is talking on the phone, I think, "That poor child is neglected but that awful woman."

Some of them are positive. I see some people and I think, "I want to be exactly like her."

HOW SUPER JUDGMENTAL IS THAT?!?!?!?

Today was one of those days where I thought, "There is a ton of stuff you need to work on before you become a mom." I mean...come on. It is NOT my job to decide who gets what kids and when.

On a Lighter Note: Pippen

2010-11-30T13:24:00.002-07:00

I read a great quote the other day that I totally agree with.

"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."

I'm scared that this blog lends itself to sadness. Since it is my outlet for sorrowful and frustrated feelings, it sounds like I never laugh. Like I never love my life.

But I do. I love my life. My family and friends blog is full of things that hubby and I are up too. Things that make us happy and make us laugh.

Here is one of my favorite things right now.

Awkward Moments

2010-11-30T10:32:00.004-07:00

Yesterday was a total reminder to me why you shouldn't try and adopt a baby from someone that you knew from high school.

At the time, it seemed like it was destiny. {C} was pregnant and didn't know if she could keep the baby and was going to adoption agencies trying to find a couple to place her baby with. She wanted to place baby {M} with someone that she knew...and then there was me.

But now it is over and everything is awful.

The worst part is that everyone from my high school knows her too and they want to talk about little baby {M}.

Of course I know {C} had her baby...but I can't say, "I know. She was going to be my daughter." People bring it up in conversation and ask me if I have seen pictures of her, ask me if I knew, try and tell me about her divorce.

Some people say to never adopt from someone that you know. I don't know about that. But I would say, never try to adopt from someone that all of your friends know.

Tomorrow I will try and post something a bit happier.

My Thanksgiving Story

2010-11-28T11:06:00.003-07:00

Well, it has been said before by many people in the IF community that the holidays are the worst time for us because it is so family oriented.

This Thanksgiving though, I decided to get together with my family that are close by and some friends that didn't have anywhere to go for dinner. It was still a pretty small group of 6 but it was nice to all be together for the holiday.

We ate at 2:30pm and it was amazing. At 4 though...everything kind of turned. At 4, my friend {M} announced that she was pregnant.

I'm happy for her. I don't want you guys to think that I wanted to throw her out of my house for getting knocked up but ...it wasn't something that I really wanted to think about just then.

The next 3 or 4 hours was spent calling all of her family and friends on skype and making the big announcement. So...there I was. Sitting on my couch with a piece of cherry pie listening to the "I'm pregnant" song, followed with the chorus of "That is so wonderful! We are so excited for you! When you are you due? How has morning sickness been? When will you find out if it is a boy or a girl?"

She is a wonderful person and her loved ones have a right to be happy and want to celebrate with her but it was just so hard guys.

One thing that got me through though was thinking, "I'm so going to blog about this. The ladies will love this CLASSIC story."

I would have been happier for her, I think, if her and her husband had at least been trying to have a baby. But no...it was a surprise. And "surprises" seem to only add fuel to the "if you stop worrying about it, it will just happen" fire.

I'm so excited for Christmas. I'm sure someone else is secretly pregnant right now too.

My Last List of Thankful

2010-11-26T11:48:00.002-07:00

I really left all of this to the last minute!

16) I'm thankful for my mother. I'm so glad that I talked to her to yesterday when I was trying to make sure Thanksgiving happened at my house.

17) I'm thankful for policemen who work on Thanksgiving and can come to the aid of people in trouble. I'm just not so grateful that I had to see them last night when my friend got in a car accident.

18) I'm thankful for the internet...for so many different reasons but today it is because I can do Black Friday shopping without getting murdered.

19) I'm thankful for double paned windows so that I can be warm all night and not have a crazy electric bill.

20) I'm thankful for old enemies that can turn into new acquaintances (because we were all stupid in high school anyway.)

21) I'm thankful for a husband who supports me in all my dreams and totally believes in me even when I don't. I know I already said Oscar but I seriously love and appreciate so many things about him.

22) I'm thankful for dog sweaters...because whoever thought of them has a great friend in my fur baby Pippen. He can play in the Utah weather all he wants now.

23) Food. Last nights food was amazing!!! I don't know about you guys but life wouldn't be worth it in the winter if there wasn't pumpkin pie. There should always be pumpkin pie. That's a breakfast food too, right?

24) People who are willing to drive an hour and a half to spend the holiday with me.

25) Blogging buddies!! Because it is nice to know that I have people who understand what I am feeling and are on my side. You are all so great to me.

26) Jesus...because, come on, He is pretty awesome. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my faith. It is seriously so amazing to have a Heavenly Father who listens to me and cares about me...even if He doesn't answer my prayers right away.

I hope you enjoy todays post because...tomorrow I'm going to tell you a story about my Thanksgiving that is mostly sweet but a little sad.

Happy Holidays guys! Drive safe!

Not Glad Sunday

2010-11-23T00:53:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been realizing that I'm a bit of a control freak. If people (especially my poor husband) aren't doing something the way I think it should be done or want it done, I get really irritated. I think sometimes, I'm a bit hard on my kids at Church. But not in this story.

On Sunday, one of the kids, we'll call him {T}, needed to go to the bathroom. He had been misbehaving for an hour already, being a total pill. Running through the halls, hitting other kids with a folder, taking things out of my bag and playing with them without asking...you get the picture. Not what I would expect from a 5 year old.

I take him to the men's room and stand outside waiting for him. He is a big boy and can take care of himself. The door that I was standing outside of has a window. The window is bubble paned so I can't "see" anything but I can see what is going on inside when {T} isn't at a urinal or in a stall.

After a couple minutes {T} comes back into view. And he is running up and down in front of the stalls and climbing onto the sink. At first, I thought that he might be looking for something or trying to figure something out but after a couple more minutes, I become convinced that he isn't really doing anything. So I crack open the door and yell, "{T}, I can see you through the window. Stop it and come out."

A man walks past me into the bathroom and says, "I'll get him."

I hear {T}, "I need a paper towel. I can't reach."

The man gets the paper towel and leads {T} to the door.

As I'm walking him back to class, this group of mild age men that have been standing near by start laughing and one says in a high voice, "I can see you through the window!" And another says, "Wait till someone is screaming at your kid."

And a man who my husband and I had talked to about our hopeful adoption (He and his wife have adopted 4 kids of their own) said, "Doesn't that make you glad you don't have any?"

No. It doesn't make me glad. Not glad at all.

The Last 6 Weeks

2010-11-15T14:30:00.003-07:00

Maybe I'm a total bitch but I really wanted to write, "Being able to have a baby should have made the last six weeks worth it."

This is one of my friends who got married and about a week into the marriage she was pregnant. Before she got married she told me that she believed in the "When God wants to give me a baby, I'll have a baby" birth control.

I have a HUGE rant about that "form of birth control". But for now, I want to write about things that made my last six weeks worth it.

10) My in-laws. I have a great sister-in-law who is always so sweet to me. She helped me plan my wedding because my real sister is always too busy to help me with anything. She sits and lets me talk to her about the adoption falling through.

11) Soup!! I love soup and it is the perfect weather for it. It is the best friend that my belly could have.

12) Warm showers!! Whenever I have a cold, I hop in a warm shower. Anytime I have sore muscles, I hop in a warm shower. If I've been outside in the cold too long and I can't feel my toes, I hop in a warm shower. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a water heater.

13) My church children. They are so fun to see every week. I'm so glad that I get to hear their innocent thoughts on things. Yesterday they made thank you cards for the woman who plays the music for us. But one of the kids drew a pictures of me as an alien. If I was an alien, I would 3 mouths, 5 legs and curly fingers...just so you know.

14) My oven. I think I figured out why people bake cookies and things throughout the whole Christmas season. IT IS SO WARM!! I baked cookies for a party that I had the other day and I loved it so much!!! I get to stay warm and I get cookies. My oven makes me happy.

15) Netflix. I know...this one is kind of lame in the grand scheme of things. Netflix is super awesome though. Since I have been sitting in bed and moping most of the last 6 weeks, I have watched a ton of instant videos on Netflix. They are made of magic.

More Gratitude with Attitude

2010-11-09T15:38:00.003-07:00

More Things That Are Awesome:

7) I got to see baby {M}. This was the baby that would have been my baby...that isn't. I thought that it would be awful to see her little face. I had to change my whole way of thinking to be alright with this though. I had to go from thinking, "That would have been my baby. My beautiful baby." To, "{C} is so blessed to have this little one in her life. I'm so happy that {C} loves her baby so much and would do anything for her. They are so lucky to have each other." {M} is beautiful...by the way.

Most newborns are GROSS!! I mean...little aliens. (Am I right? They need a couple days to...fix that...) But not {M}. {M} is perfect. She is perfect, like my babies will be someday.

8) My Little Brothers! They are awesome! Since my sister doesn't know where this blog is, I can speak freely. She is crazy. I love her but she is crazy. Like...made me change my wedding date because it was too close to her anniversary, crazy.

No one understands my sense of humor like my brothers do. We can laugh and talk for days on end. Trips with my brothers are great! I'm planning a trip next summer to Mexico with one of them. I can tell them about anything and they can turn it around and make me laugh. Happiest people that I know. I want to have lots of kids so that they can all be as close as my brothers and me.

9) My parents. They gave me an awesome life. My mom's goal is raising me was to give me a life better than hers and she has. Both of my parents have given me so much. An understand that Home really is where the Heart is. And my heart is my family. There is no foundation stronger than a good family. My parents also taught me that blood does not a family make. I was taught that amazing friends are family too. No matter what you were born into, you can make that strong family foundation.

Now that you all think that I am adorable...I will sign off. Some day you will probably find out that in real life...I'm not so nice. :)

On a Lighter Note: My Neck

2010-11-08T20:28:00.002-07:00

Okay, so...this might not seem like it is going to be a funny story but I give you permission to laugh.

I have been struggling to get rid of this cold lately(I was enjoying the excuse to stay in bed and mope). Well last Monday I wanted some peached and cream to make me feel a little better (mentally...not physically. I realize that drinking dairy is bad for me while I have a sinus infection.) so I poured myself a bowl of cream and went to town. When my husband came into the room as I finished the last bites he said, "Oh my gosh! That is expired! Can't you see the chunks!"

I had not...I couldn't really taste it so I wasn't paying too much attention.

That night I got terribly sick. Everything coming out of both ends. Am I painting you a pretty picture?s

Long story short...I gave myself

WHIP LASH!

from puking my guts out.

That is right, ladies and gentlemen. I have been pretty much bed ridden since then from the pain in my neck and back. My husband's mother is a physical therapist and so she set me up really nicely. Pain killers and limited movement. Anti inflammatory and muscle relaxers.

Please...someone tell me that you have an even crazier/ridiculous accident story.

(Did I ever tell you guys about the time I broke my foot stepping in a gopher hole? I never said I was a role model.)

I will write about more things I'm grateful for tomorrow.

Picking Myself Up

2010-11-06T20:56:00.002-06:00

It is time to pick myself back up and end my super boring pity party. Boo!!

I can be happy without a baby right now. I need to start focusing on all the good around me.

A couple days ago I was lucky enough to hear some people speak about gratitude and embracing the happy and rolling with the punches.

I'm in charge of my happiness even if I'm not in charge of my ovaries.

For Thanksgiving month, I thought that it would be fun to write about things that I'm thankful for. I'm going to try and do one for every day of the month.

1) My husband. Oscar is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'm so lucky that he wanted to marry me.

2) My home. We were so blessed to be able to afford a home especially in this economy.

3) Oscar's job. He has such a stable job. And stable jobs equal sane wives. And that makes Oscar happy.

4) Our family. Both of us have really fun supportive family near by. We get to go and visit them at least once a month. It is so great.

5) My fur babies. As hard as they can be sometime...I love them. I love how fun they are and how cuddly they can be. I love training them and practicing their tricks.

6) The weather. Even though I'm not a fan of cold weather, I'm starting to enjoy the cold. It is perfect snuggle weather. Seriously...after all of the warm weather and my husband saying, "You are too warm! You're making me sweaty!" it is great to have some cool snuggle weather.

The Day That Should Have Been Great

2010-11-03T13:56:00.002-06:00

{C}'s baby was born yesterday.

It would have been my baby's birthday.

November 2, 2010.

Her and I are friends on Facebook since we knew each other growing up. I can't decide whether to delete her or not. Part of me is curious...I want to see what this little girl looks like. I want her to post pictures. And on the other hands...it will totally rip me up inside.

Someday I will have my own baby. I know that. I wish that someday was closer to today.

Today would have been great.

On a Lighter Note: Boogers

2010-11-01T23:13:00.002-06:00

Facts You Need to Know:

Church starts at 9.

I don't normally do my hair for church because... I don't want to wake up early to do my hair.

I normally wear it up so that it is out of my face.

In October, the children do a service in church were they sing and share small testimonies of Jesus.

In the Latter Day Saint Church we call it the Primary Program.

I hate sticky fingers.

My Story:

On Sunday we had the Primary Program and since I was going to be sitting in front of everyone sitting with their children, I decided to do my hair. It was one of the only times since January that I have done my hair. I straightened it and wore it down. It apparently was a bad idea.

I knew that kids could be distracted with anything...but I don't think that I understood to what extend. These three boys could NOT keep their hands out of my hair. I had two boys on either side on me and one boy sitting with my husband behind me. At one point all of them where petting me or pretending to cut my hair with their hands.

After church my husband and I had this conversation:

Me: I couldn't believe how distracted all of the boys were by my hair. It was insane!

Oscar: Yeah, I spend the whole time getting {T} to either get his hands out of your hair or out of his nose.

Me: WHAT?! Why didn't you stop him? He put that in my hair!!

Oscar: Calm down. He would eat the booger off his finger first.

And that is why Oscar and I are going to stop TTC!

Not really...but I thought about it...while I was in the shower disinfecting myself!!

Post Halloween Blues

2010-11-01T22:54:00.004-06:00

Well...Halloween is over. Boy was it tough for me this year. I read about what some other people in this community said about Halloween being tough for them and I must agree. I mean, what could be worse then people ringing your door bell every 5 minutes and when you open the door it is, "Look at my adorable children!! We have so much fun doing family thinks together!"

Awesome...

Not to mention all of the functions in the community for children and families. This is a picture from one of our church parties. Do you know what I would love? Dressing up my little girls like fairies. That would be awesome.Possibly one of the worst pictures of me ever (!) but I was so happy that this little girl that I teach ({E}) and I both came as Tinkerbelle! My costume was of the last minute, thrown together variety but I love this picture of us together.

And there is no rule saying that just because I'm not a mom, I can't play dress up too!

My Church Children

2010-10-28T02:56:00.004-06:00

In my church, people are "called" to do different jobs and serve in different capacities. To give of our time and our talents.

It is a pretty great system actually and keeps the church functioning.

Almost a year ago, we were asked to teachers for the Sunday school class for 4 year olds. It is a pretty easy gig. For 40 minutes we teach them about Jesus and have them color pictures and have them talk about their weeks. Then another 40 minutes keeping them quiet while they learn different religious songs and more about Jesus.

When my husband and I got this calling, the leader calling us to this position said, "We hope that while you have this calling you will gain more experience together with children and start to grow your own family."

Well, at the time, I didn't know that I had PCOS but I still thought, "Wow...that is totally none of your business."

Sometimes while teaching these children, I get really desperately sad. I love them. I really really love them. Each and every one of them. But...it is just hard, because right before we go into the big meeting for everyone, I have to help them find their families until it is only Oscar and I left.

The Sunday after Oscar and I found out that we wouldn't be expanding our family quite yet through adoption, I ditched out. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to see them. I didn't want them telling me about their lives or hugging me or wanting to sit on my lap.

I wanted to take them home and keep them forever.

They drew me a picture. It is covered in hearts. Really poorly draw hearts that look more like real heart than I'm sure was intended.

I wish that it wasn't so easy to love children. And I wish that it wasn't so hard to get one for myself.

Not Alright

2010-10-20T00:24:00.003-06:00

I feel like I have been a really bad blog friend. I haven't been visiting you guys and I have been horrible about updating. For that I'm sorry.

Here's the scoop. I have been kind of avoiding this blog because I don't even want to think about infertility. While I was in Hawaii, I put all of this stuff out of my mind. (I "just relaxed" if you will.) I wanted to de-stress and get in a better place. Once I got back home though, I knew that it was back to reality. I had to talk with {C} about if this adoption thing was still going to happen.

Here is the sad news crew. Her ex-husband's mother wants the baby. We will call her {B} and you can imagine what that stands for. {B} has talked her son into taking the baby if {C} is going to place the baby for adoption.

So {C} is going to keep the baby.

I'm pretty devastated. During all of this, it was hard to not get my hopes up...to imagine what life would be like with a new baby daughter. I know that according to nature, I didn't physically lose a child. And I know that according to the law, the child was never mine...but I can't help but feel like I lost a child.

What's not fair, is that, the child is still alive...and will never know how much I loved it already. I will never be anyone to this little girl. She will live her whole life and probably never know that I wanted her so badly.

Even though I have a support system of friends and family, I don't want to talk with them about this. I know what they are going to say. "God does everything for a reason." "God has children that He will send to you in His own time." "You will be a great mom someday." "There will be other children." "Everything is going to be alright."

I don't want that. Is it wrong for me to want people crying with me and acknowledging that I lost a child and that for right now everything is not going to be alright?

Have I Done Any Good In the World?

2010-10-15T12:33:00.003-06:00

A friend of mine in the RW (real world) is having a blog hop today and I thought that I would join in. This is the first time that I am letting any of my RW friends see my blog...so it is kind of a big deal.

I've wanted this blog to be my safe place and haven. I've told all my closest friends about the problems my husband and I have been having but this blog was a place for safe disclosure. So this is kind of a big deal.

The topic of her blog hop is "Have I Done Any Good in the World Today?" I don't know if I have done any amazing service in the last little bit but I might be hopping on that band wagon soon to help give me a little pick me up. (I've had some bad news lately that I'll share when I'm ready.)

For the sake of the blog hop though, I will write about some of the little stuff I have been doing.

I've been in Hawaii the last couple weeks (I know...I'm blessed.) visiting my husband's family. His grandmother is getting older and needs help doing some things. Most of the service that I have been doing recently was to help her out. Help her up stairs, walking onto the beach, washing dishes....but I love it because I love her. This woman is a grandma...inside and out. She is so wise and feisty and sweet and loving and crafty. She has so much to give to me that it really doesn't seem like service at all when I'm with her. It just happens because there is so much love there.

Doing a good turn daily is something I need to work on for sure. It isn't that hard to say something nice to someone or let them know you care about them. Sometimes that is all it takes.

I was watching the news the other night when they were talking about a man who saved a child who had been kidnapped and someone asked, "What makes him more likely to be a hero than any of the other people who saw this happen?" And the "expert" said, "He acted. He didn't just think 'it is someone else's concern, not mine'. He did something when he saw something."

That was so profound to me. I want to work on that. When I have an impulse to do something good or kind, I need to follow through.

The Phoebe Coaster

2010-09-28T13:11:00.002-06:00

I was reading over at The Pitter-Patter about her roller coaster of emotions. It reminded me of a little episode that I had this weekend.

This past week has been really good. I have been trying to put the "maybe adoption" out of my head because I am so scared that it isn't going to happen. I was doing a really great job too. I felt fine.

In church my husband and I sat down next to a couple that we always enjoy talking too. They have a little baby girl that was being just adorable. I was totally fine with it. The couple talked with us and we were just joking and laughing and having a good time. The meeting started and so we went back to focusing on Church things.

About 10 minutes into the talks and sermons, the baby starts to get a little loud and giggly. Her mother and I were giggling a little bit too because, come on.... a loud giggle while someone is talking about there trials is so silly. I'm only human.

Then my husband leans over and whispers,

"We are going to have so much fun when we're parents."

And I lost it. I immediately teared up. I had to leave. Tears were running down my face and snot was making its way out. I didn't want to be sitting with that baby anymore. It hurt it much to hear the giggles.

Just like that I was a total mess.

My husband, of course, felt horrible because that was not what he was going for at all. He meant it with an air of hopeful and a confident "some day". Poor guy.

I'm so ready to get off my very own Phoebe roller coaster and move on to the next scary ride of "Parenthood".

Humility, Happiness, and Hope

2010-09-16T22:45:00.003-06:00

I am so flattered that Jess from When the Music Fades thought of me when she was picking people to talk about hope and happiness. This is a really fun pass along award! What you do is post the picture and write about one thing that you are happy for at the moment and something that you are also hoping for. I'm going to warn you...it is going to get smarmy.One thing that I am really happy for right now are blogger friends and this great IF community. Technically, according to the doctors, I'm not even classified as Infertile. I'm in this weird conception limbo.

I had this blog before I knew what PCOS was. Once I found out I had it (7th months with no period and no baby bump...what was my first clue that there was a problem?) and started looking for people going through what I was going through, I felt so comforted to find such a large group online.

I'm so happy that this is such a welcoming community and that when none of the "fertiles" can give me comfort because they can only seem to get out the most awkward solutions to "my problem", I have all of you to turn to. (My mom totally told me today that if I adopted, I would get pregnant.) The best thing in the world right now for me is sharing all of my information with the world about my PCOS and not needing to worry about you telling me to "just relax" or that I'm "jinxing" myself by "trying to hard".

(How was that for smarmy? Wait...it is going to get worse!)

My hope... is that this community will always be here. I hope that pretty soon all of us (God permitting) will be gone from the blogging world while we take care of our respective children but I hope that this sisterhood (and brotherhood in some cases) will live on. I hope that when the next generation of infertile women need some guidance and assistance or a listening ear, that this community of strength will be there to help them until that BFP shows up and they get to hold that squirmy new born in their hands.

I totally won the smarmy award! As gross as all that was, I meant it. Today especially. Everything that I needed today, I got from these three people who I am nominating to pass this on.

Augusta @ All In One Basket

Amel @ Serenity in Chaos

Adele @ Delinquent Eggs

And so many more. I would have picked Jess but she completely got me first!

I'm totally humbled by all that you women have to offer and all the support that you have offered me!

Dear Universe,

2010-09-15T21:42:00.004-06:00

I finished reading this post a couple minutes ago. I really like this idea. It reminds me of the book, The Secret, or something like that. My friend told me to read it once and went on in detail about it. He described it so well that I never got the book but like to pretend that I know what it is all about. (Any body else do this? I also quote movies that I haven't seen.)

I have a request for the universe too.

Universe, let {C} get in contact with me again. With good or bad news. At this point, I only want to stop the silence and unknown...at least a little bit.

That's all.

And maybe a pony. Just kidding Universe! On the pony thing...but the rest I am serious about.

Thanks!

And now I stop obsessing and relax. Augusta was right, I need to take this BD down time and relax for a bit. Instead, I think I will focus the rest of my universe energy on wishing her luck on Friday!

CD1 - September

2010-09-14T22:53:00.003-06:00

After 102 days, I'm finally at CD1 again. As always, it comes with some mixed feelings.

I'm happy that it is here so that I can stop faking myself out. After 60 days I start to think I have to be pregnant. I'm getting over that since well...it has been happening for the last year and a half of my marriage and a long cycle isn't a sign of anything except PCOS.

I'm sad that AF once again wasn't able to get here on her own. I wish that I didn't have to wait more than 3 months for her to get here and I wish that I didn't have to trigger it with medication.

I'm irritated because I was hoping to time this better so all the "fun" happened while Oscar was on a business trip. Since we have been married, I have only had 4 other visits from AF so he is really not use to it.

Whether I want it here or not...it is what it is....Cycle Day 1.

Day Trip

2010-09-10T21:14:00.003-06:00

I had a really awesome day! You all probably know that I have been stressing out about this "What If Adoption" that is going on with us right now.

Well, today was great because the hubby and I got to run up into the mountains and have a nice relaxing drive with the fur babies. It was so beautiful up there. I loved it.

This is a really crappy photo and I hope you will forgive me but it is the only one of me that whole trip. Oscar is awesome and I'm so glad that I have him to adventure with me. Through the good times and bad! I hope you all have a great weekend!

Looking For Signs

2010-09-08T23:21:00.003-06:00

I know that I am not the only one out there who looks for signs from God that they are pregnant. But has anyone else found signs about adoption?

I've had two experiences so far that have made me feel like this is the right thing to do. I don't dare say that they are signs that I am going to get this baby girl but I want to believe that they are. (*shhhh...* knock on wood for me!)

I keep telling myself that this is the right course to go down even if we don't end up with this child. I am a person who believes that all things shall work together for my good. Whether it be to further my knowledge of the adoption process, strengthen my marriage with Oscar or place a child in my care. At night I try not to pray for this baby but that the spirits who need to be in this home to gain the most and grow the most from Oscar and I will find their way here.

Onto the two signs.

Friday night I was up thinking about if I would even know what to do if I had a new born baby. I started to freak out that I would be the worst parent ever. I thought, "Wow, I can't believe that I bought that 'What to Expect When Your Expecting' book so long ago and it is useless. I should go to the DI (Deseret Industries, the place where I got the first one for a $1) tomorrow and see if they have 'What to Expect the First Year'."

My husband and I went to the DI the next day. I didn't tell him why we were going but it is a fun place to look around and I had stuff that I needed to donate anyway. I wandered back into the book section of the store and the first book that I saw was "What to Expect the First Year". It was sitting there waiting for me to come and claim it. The only copy...just for me.

The second "sign" was Tuesday. Oscar and I were on a walk. We were talking about different things. The topic of buying baby things came up. Oscar is very against the idea of getting anything because he feels like it will make everything worse if this doesn't work out. I agree with him. But I am getting excited people! I want so badly to be excited for this! I told him, "I'll only buy stuff that we would have to get anyway for a baby. Because someday we are going to be parents right? And it could be in October." He said a strong no. (And I knew he was right. He is so right. I shouldn't be getting ahead of myself.)

At that moment, I looked on the ground and saw this.

A little hair clip perfect for a little girl. I scooped it up and put it in my pocket. My talisman.

I don't want to get to excited because I could be setting myself up for a world of hurt. But I want to believe. Faith precedes the miracle. Noah didn't build his boat until he say rain. Moses left Egypt before they knew where they were headed. And I want to believe I will get this little girl.

But having faith in this is one of the scariest things I have ever done.

Progress With {C}

2010-09-07T16:26:00.003-06:00

Well, I heard back from {C} Saturday night. It looks like she is considering placing {Lil' B} (that's short for Little Baby...I haven't even begun to be hopeful enough to name this baby girl) with us. She has been interviewing me over the internet since, well, she lives in another state.

I've started talking with other people who have adopted to get an idea of what to expect. They have all been telling me pretty much the same thing. 1) Don't get to excited and tell everyone 2) Make sure the birth father consents and 3) Don't buy any baby stuff until the baby is in my arms.

{C} has started looking into starting up college again next semester which makes me hopeful that this is really going to happen.

We have started looking for adoption attorneys in the area and getting a home study done.

I've only told some close friends that are in the area so that they know what is going on and both Oscar and my parents. My mother might be going with me to get {Lil' B} at the end of October since Oscar might not be able to take time off with no pay. We are trying to make sure we have enough money for this so he is limiting his time off.

I'm still extremely guarded with my emotions. One of my friends I half wish that I didn't tell because she is getting so excited. I told her not to get any baby stuff for me and she agreed but it is all she wants to talk about now. I know she means well but it is a good thing we live an hour apart and are both busy.

Another friend of mine is being really great about everything. His parents adopted 3 kids but there were two kids that they fostered and after two years they were gone. His mother was really effected by that and he doesn't want the same thing to happen to me. He is excited...just cynical. Which for me, is good.

Ohio Wedding

2010-09-07T11:10:00.006-06:00

Last month I got to take some more time off of my problems and go to a friends wedding. It was pretty crazy but tons for fun! I was so excited to see all of my old friends and catch up. Luckily none of them have babies and so it wasn't a constant reminder of what I didn't have.

Here are some pictures so you don't have to listen to me ramble about my friends.

As far as infertility news goes, I POAS and it was a BFN...so it looks like "relaxing" in August didn't really do it for me.

A Mini Waiting Game

2010-09-04T01:16:00.002-06:00

Anyone remember two or so posts ago when I wrote about talking with a friend about an acquaintance thinking about placing her baby for adoption? Well my friend {P} talked to this woman {C} about it and she said that she will be thinking about it. Apparently she is/was going to meet with two other couples but she told {P} that she might feel more comfortable giving her child to someone that she knows.

We might be looking at a Private Placement Adoption here.

I'm waiting for her to contact me regarding an interview to see if she thinks it will work.

I'm still trying not to get my hopes up. There seem to be so many reasons that I can think of why she wouldn't want me.

We are friends on Facebook...and seeing me fill the page with the images of a child that once was hers...well...I don't think I could do it. Right there would be my reason for not giving me that child.

I am getting my hopes up a little. But isn't that the first step to love? Putting my heart on the line? I mean, if {C} says no, I will be sad but at this point it is just kind of a pipe dream. But if if if she says yes, I'm already one step closer to loving this little girl.

It is a hard game...infertility. Something that sounded so easy in theory...making a baby...turns into something so complicated.

In other news...it has been 93 days since my last cycle. I'm going to take some Prov-era once I get the courage to POAS (you know...just in case).

The Special Facebook Friend

2010-09-02T22:29:00.008-06:00

We all have those friends who are always writing about their kids. We all know the people who put a big smiling baby as their profile picture because they want to show everyone what they made.

Well, I have a Facebook friend who didn't mean to have her boyfriend's baby but she did. And now she thinks that she is the captain of all moms ever. She writes about how other moms make terrible choices with their bodies. But then she will write about how she isn't judging anyones choices (because she would never do that).She writes about her amazing breast milk.

How much she loves nursing her baby.Oh and she is in a constant battle with Facebook over whether she can show nursing pictures. On her blog she writes about how she should be allowed to breastfeed where ever she pleases. Like walking to and from classes on her college campus. Or at a public park...at her wedding reception...Yeah, that pictures is totally on Facebook. Her and her mother made this dress for this specific purpose of breastfeeding at the reception.

Anyone else have a friend like mine they want to vent about?

Wishful Thinking

2010-09-02T00:31:00.002-06:00

I had this acquaintance in high school who I have been keeping an eye on, on Facebook. We have tons of friends in common and we were always friendly with each other in high school.

Well, she has been going through a really tough time. I have written about her before. She married her summer love high school sweet heart right out of graduation...and he turned out to be a tool. He was horrible to her and of course, she got knocked up. Well he started hitting her while she was pregnant and so she left him.

I've been getting snatches of information from Facebook and her friends. Tonight I wrote to one friend, "How is {C} doing? I only ask because I want to adopt/steal her baby." He asked me if I was seriously and I said, "Completely."

He told me that her parents are really pressuring her to give up the baby and they will help her out. She was adopted herself (I knew that from high school and so I knew that this would be a delicate subject...so I would never bring it up with her) and so she doesn't really want to give the baby up because she knows how it is to be that baby. At the same time, she is at a tough spot. She either has to raise this baby on her own, or give it up to get help. She is only 20.

My friend said that he would mention my interest to her. I don't know if it will come to anything...and I wouldn't ever get my hopes up until her and I talk...but it is something to think about.

I wouldn't know the first thing about adopting a child. It hasn't really needed to be thought out that much by Oscar and I. I would be amazing for this thing to come to something...but at the same time I am very guarded.

Wishful fantasies of me...wishful fantasies.

Keeping Track

2010-09-01T11:42:00.000-06:00

As you all know if you have been reading my blog, I have chosen to be really honest about my "condition" to most of my family and friends. When they ask me about when I'm planning to have kids, I tell them straight up what is happening with my body.

I had one friend who was the boom about it. She was adopted and her mother is a little crazy and once told her that she was a last resort. Her mother struggled with infertility for 10 years before choosing to adopt. This friend of mine knows the pain of an infertile because she had to live with a mother who never let it go.

On the other hand, I also have the friends who don't know any better and say things like, "I'm sure if you just relax." Sometimes I am hopeful and I think that when they start out, "There are tons of people who adopt..." that they are going to tell me about the miracles of adoption and how those children will be the same as having one on my own. But usually it ends with, "...and afterwards get pregnant! You should just relax."

Are you keeping track? So far at 6 months along in my infertility, I have 3 people who have said the exact phrase "just relax". 4 people if you count the mother of the girl who told me she got some "great advice" for me, from her mother. What's your number?

I Thought By Now...

2010-08-30T14:37:00.000-06:00

When I first got diagnosed with PCOS most of my friends with babies said the same thing.

"It took us 2 months to get pregnant."

"Your aunt took 4 months getting pregnant with her first."

"My sister and brother-in-law waited 2 months."

"It took us almost 4 months to get pregnant. Just give it time."

"God knows best! It took us nearly 3 months."

The longest time that I was told was 6 months. My mother said that it took her 6 months to get pregnant with my last sibling. 6 months. That seemed like such a long time. I thought of all of the stuff that would be happening in those 6 months of waiting. I thought about 6 months+ 9months and figured out when I could be a mom.

It's been six months since I found out that I had PCOS. That I don't ovulate. In the last 2 years I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen AF. All I need is one finger to tell you how many times I have done that on my own.

Here is hoping that the next 6 months go by quicker so I can start working on getting pregnant with some help.

Some Pictures For You

2010-08-25T16:47:00.002-06:00

I've been going through my pictures and taking new ones trying to build a portfolio for myself. I'm thinking that eventually I might want to turn this into a career. At the very least, it is something that I want to keep working on.

These pictures are from January.
These are some of the children that I teach on Sunday. They are 4 and adorable.

Medication- Glucomage

2010-08-24T11:26:00.000-06:00

My whole life I have avoided medication like the plague. Even for a headache, I would never take anything. I would put a cool wash cloth on my head and take a nap.

I wanted my body to heal itself. I never wanted to become addicted or immune to any medication because I was scared that someday when I really needed some drugs to help me, I wouldn't be able to use them.

Now I am on Glucomage and I hate it. It has been 82 days since my last cycle and I feel sicker than ever. I don't think it is doing anything at all for me but making me ill. The side effects are awful and I don't think that there has been any change in me what so ever.

I'm so frustrated that I have another 6 months before I can be declared infertile and start on something that could really make me ovulate.

I wish that I could be one of those women with infertility who are trying this naturally. I am starting to think about it really seriously. I don't want to be sick the whole time that I am waiting to get pregnant. I want to be strong and fun and fearless. I want to be me again.

Should I really stay on medication that makes me feel this way? I don't want to be on bed rest before I am even pregnant. These should be some of the best years of my life. I don't want to spend them on the toilet.

Infertility DTR

2010-08-23T10:53:00.005-06:00

I know for all of you infertiles out there the last thing you want to see are more acronyms but I have one more for you.

DTR stands for Determine the Relationship. I'm sure most of you have had DTRs with many people in your lives. It is the conversation that goes something like this. "What are we? Are we boyfriend/girlfriend? Are we just make out buddies? sex buddies?" Or "Where is this going? Are we talking marriage? Living together?" It was good before getting married to have these conversations to make sure that both partners are on the same page with things.

Now the Oscar and I are trying to start a family, we have been having what I like to call Infertility DTRs. We have to figure out if we are both on the same page in regards to our family and the relationship we have with our treatment options.

Last night we had a long conversation about adoption. It seems a little early to me since we have only been trying for 6 months and we have only been married for a year and 2 months. I was lucky to find out early about the PCOS when I was only 21.

It was so great talking with my husband late into the night about our feelings about adoption. I was surprised how different our views were about this topic. He is all about a closed adoption. I am all for an open adoption. He thinks children don't need to be told they are adopted until they are old enough to understand what adoption means. I believe that if a child always knows that they are adopted than they won't have to worry about a whole paradigm shift.

I also never knew how important have a child that is "ours" is to Oscar. I don't care where the child comes from as long as we can make it part of our family and give it a good life.

The last DTR like this was right after I found out about the PCOS in February. We should probably have them more often than six months but it was good to talk about all the stuff we have been thinking about. I'm so glad that I am on this journey with such a sweet wonderful man.

Even though right now we aren't on the same page with adoption, it is okay. We don't need to worry about that just yet. I'm sure the more we talk about it, the closer we will get mind set wise. Right now one thing is still clear, we both want to try and have a baby and help our family grow.

Post New York City Trip

2010-08-10T13:36:00.006-06:00

Thank you so much to all the well wishers! The trip was amazing.

I got to talk with one of my friends about my PCOS which was really great. She asked if it was okay to talk about her son with me (Of course it is! I was there when the little guy was born!) but I did tell her that as long as she never says, "Just relax and it will happen." I would never be upset with her.

She was at a Blogher conference at New York City (Oscar and I went to split the cost of a room with her). I told her about the infertility blogging community and how wonderful it is. The next day she ran into someone with IF problems too. The world is so small when you are looking for people with IF. It is sad but comforting to know that we can have so much support from other people who have gone through all of this.

Okay, so onto New York City. You probably don't want to hear every single detail so I will just give you some pictures.

Time Square!! It is crazy that it can be the middle of the night and everything is almost as clear as day. A friend and I headed up to the top of Rockefeller Center on Thursday to get a good view of the city. It was amazing.
Friday was an awesome day since I finally got my baby back and into New York City. Central Park was awesome with him. We even got to see Phantom of the Opera that night. It was great to see so many shows while we were there.
Saturday was awesome too.
We had an awesome last night there all together. Dinner in an amazing restaurant and great company. Another night in Time Square. Sexy poses with my dear friend. And Sunday we had tours in NBS Studio.
It was great to get away for awhile. I loved taking my mind off of things and having fun with the man I love. I am so happy with my life and I'm so glad that I was able to embrace every single day of this trip.

Hopefully I will be able to start doing that for every day of my life too. Because, you know what? I deserve it!

Pre-New York City Trip

2010-08-03T23:23:00.002-06:00

I have really mixed feelings right now about my trip to New York City tomorrow.

I am going to miss:

Miss Wheelchair Utah Picnic ( I have a friend who founded Miss Wheelchair Utah and they have a picnic every year before they send off Miss Wheelchair Utah herself to the America Pagent)
The 4 year olds I teach on Sunday
The rest of my family's trip to Utah (They are going back to Texas on Saturday)
My amazing fur babies

Things I am looking forward too:

I don't have to worry about my fur babies messing up the house or training them
I get to see my close friend who moved to Florida a year ago
I get to see New York for the 1st time
I will be back in a big city again
My husband and I will get to put more stuff in our Adventure Book (Yes...I so got the idea from UP!)

The thing that is causing me the most sadness right now though is that all through March, April, and May I thought, "By the time August rolls around, I am sure to be pregnant." I thought that even after I was diagnosed with PCOS that it was possible for a baby to happen for us in just 3 months. Back in March and April and May and even June, I thought, "There is so much time until August. It is so far away and I'm bound to be pregnant by then, no problem."

August is here though. I couldn't stop it. But you know what?

This is going to be the best trip ever!

Question Out There For the Ladies

2010-08-01T23:31:00.004-06:00

I was just wondering, have you ever known of anyone who a pregnancy test hasn't worked for? Like, when I got a negative before I knew about the PCOS but I hadn't had my period in months my mom would tell me that they never worked for her. She said that she was 12 weeks pregnant before they would say she was pregnant.

It is driving me crazy because I will POAS and get a BFN but I have this voice in the back of my head that says, "It might not be working for you!! You might be the 1% exception and you really are pregnant!"

And what about phantom pregnancy symptoms? I have been feeling super nauseous in the mornings and after eating and at night for the past couple weeks. I was really hoping for morning sickness.

But no...POAS tonight and it is a BFN. It has been 60 days since my last cycle and I'm starting to think that I should take some Provera and start over with my Glucophage. I stopped taking it about 2 or 3 weeks ago because I was waking up every morning with diarrhea and cramps all day long. Sorry for the TMI but it was super awful. My OB/GYN warned me that it has some nasty side effects and she was right!

A Bad Night

2010-07-28T00:38:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I am really okay with everything. I tell myself that it is okay that we are having a rough time getting pregnant. I tell myself that it is still early days and there is no reason to start to really worry.

Some days I am fine with looking at pictures of my friends with babies. I am truly happy for all my friends and their children. I'm excited for people who are months away from their little miracles. On those good days, I really am all of those things.

Not tonight.

Tonight I am mostly heart broken. I don't want to be filled with self pity but today I am and if you will all just bare with me or skip this post it is fine.

*sigh* Maybe it is the baby shower invite that came in the mail today. Maybe it is the fact that is girl from high school announced that she is getting a divorce...and is pregnant with a baby she really didn't want. Maybe it is the post a friend wrote about how great it feels to finally be a dad and his pictures make me wish that I could do that for my husband. Or maybe it was the woman in obedience class who came with her 8 children (One of them a 3 month old that I wanted to snatch).

Nights like these I really can't help but feel like I'm broken.

Sometimes I wish it was as easy as not "wanting it so much". Because on my good days, I would totally get knocked up. But not today.

Coming Out and Saying It

2010-07-26T11:57:00.003-06:00

When people ask Oscar and I about having children, I always go the 100% honest route.

"So, when are you and Oscar planning on having kids?"

"Now would be great but I have PCOS so we will see how that goes."

Or...

"When are we going to see some grandchildren?"

"Whenever my eggs decide to come out of hiding. With PCOS I just never know when I am going to ovulate."

This has actually started some really great discussions with people. I have found another girl, in one of my summer classes, who also has PCOS and a woman at church who had a miscarriage and needed someone to talk to.

I've also had some unwanted advice about this whole situation but mostly it has been a really great experience just being honest.

My husband is amazed with how many people open up to me about different things when they barely know me but the truth is, I make people comfortable by first putting myself out there.

People want to share their feelings and they want someone to talk with about their struggles. When I am the brave one first, I am able to be that for them. I would encourage everyone who feels comfortable talking about their struggles and even those who don't, to talk with someone about it. You never know who will surprise you with just the thing that you needed to hear at that time.

Mind Over Matter

2010-07-21T23:57:00.003-06:00

Last night as I was trying to drop off to sleep I suddenly had this terrible urge to...a-hem...do the Technicolor yawn. (Don't get excited guys! It probably isn't any form of morning sickness...according to a pregnancy test three days or so ago.)

Usually when I feel nauseous I am able to talk myself out of it. I HATE throwing up. Oscar and I get into the argument all the time about whether it is better to vomit and stop the stomach pain and all feelings of needing to loss our lunch or to focus all my energy on not vomiting and suffering through.

I have always thought that it was a great skill, having this control over my vomit/not vomit reflex.

But last night it got me to thinking, wouldn't it be great if I could will myself to ovulate the same way that I can will myself to keep from tossing my cookies. It would be amazing if I could focus all of my thoughts on that one body system and get just one egg on its way.

Would you think that that would count as relaxing?

Get Away

2010-07-20T10:48:00.003-06:00

I promised myself that the next post I did would be more chipper. I feel like every time I write it is to get out the sadness that is creeping in my life. But most of the time I am actually really happy.

My hubby Oscar and I went on a mini get away almost a month ago. Even though it is really just the two of us in the house (fur babies aside) it is good to get away from the normal routine and spend sometime away.

We just went 15 minutes away from our house into the mountains but it was beautiful. We found out that we live really close to a lake and that we could rent jet skis.

I bought a disposable water proof camera so that I wouldn't have to worry about mine getting wet. It was so fun to use film again. I haven't gone to get them developed but when I do, I will make sure to post them here.

I'm really excited for August because I am going to head out to New York City with some friends and take in the sights and then in the middle of August my hubby and I are going to Ohio for a friend's wedding. And at the end of August we might have a quick trip down to San Diego to visit some of my family.

I love how even when life is being difficult and not going the way you plan it, you can still plan for other fun. While Oscar and I can't seem to get pregnant, we are going to use the time together for tons of fun.

Even with all of the IF stuff, I still really love my life.

BFNegative-Month 3 1/2

2010-07-18T12:40:00.002-06:00

My doctor told me to not take Provera while I am on this new stuff. She wants to see if my cycle can start itself with it. Since I could ovulate at any time, I am testing myself every couple weeks to see if I am pregnant.

About two nights ago I had a dream that I found out that I was pregnant. The whole night I got to enjoy telling people the great news. Oscar would put his hand on my stomach and talk to it. It was amazing.

When I woke up, I started to cry. I was so sad that it was all over and that none of it was real. The past week I have been trying to do everything possible to take my mind off of our baby worries. I have thrown myself into all of my work. All systems were at 110% so that I wouldn't have to stop and stress about this taking longer than I had hoped.

All of that work wasted by one nights amazing dream.

I started to think that it was a sign from God. That maybe it was a vision of sorts telling me that I was pregnant.

So this morning I POAS. Nothing. One hundred percent not pregnant.

Maybe I need to "relax" better next week. No working like a mad women...I could go for a massage.

Happiness For Others

2010-07-14T11:50:00.003-06:00

When I was growing up, I had a Sunday School teacher who struggled with infertility. I only knew this because I would listen to my mom talking with her about it...it wasn't a subject in class.

This woman had been married for a few years and had been trying since they got married to have a child. Living in South East Asia, it was hard to get a good OB/GYN. Over Christmas this year she announced that she was pregnant. It had been about 4 years since I had seen her last so I knew that she probably spent the better part of the last decade trying to have this baby.

Well about three days ago that baby was born and the out pouring of love is incredible. Every picture of this baby has 50+ comments on it. Because we had all felt the struggles and wanted this baby so bad for her. I think we all feel like we were a tiny part of this baby. It was as if, all of the happy thoughts and encouragement that we have been sending her way, has created this child.

For babies that come easy or when they are "accidents" people celebrate but with either disinterest or sympathy. When a baby is wanted for years and made through struggle, everyone can only feel happiness. They know that that baby was made with total intention and more understanding of the hugeness that is creating life.

Sometimes, I think we are blessed for that.

Advice From Those Who "Know"

2010-07-06T13:16:00.002-06:00

Don't you love that wonderful unsolicited advice? I have tried to confide in my friends what I have been feeling and going through and they have been alright about it. They don't know exactly how I feel but they have tried to listen.

Well one of them called me up the other day because she was talking with her mom about me and her mom had some "great advice for me". Because she would know...she had 4 kids from two different men that she isn't married to anymore...so she would also be great for marriage advice.

"Once you stop stressing about wanting a baby, it will be easier to have one."

"Tons of people have adopted and then gotten pregnant. I've heard stories about it all the time. And it is because they finally stopped freaking out about it. Instead of adopting, you should just stop freaking out about it."

I don't know why she thinks that I am so stressed out. I don't feel that freaked out about it. I've only been trying to four months. I mean, the doctors don't want me to get worried until it has been a year. I want to get pregnant really badly...but I don't think I have reacted "freaking out".

I tried to remember this post and it really helped me not bite her head off. I know that she was trying to be helpful. I just want to say, "Well if I knew it was going to be that easy...I wouldn't have started this medication that gives me cramps that make me feel like puking every morning."

Website Button

2010-07-06T12:57:00.005-06:00

I decided that I would make a little button for my website for all of you people who like my blog and want to follow it easier with a sexy little button....well...maybe not sexy.

Hopefully you will think it is pretty cute and you'll put it on your blogs!! All you have to do is copy and paste the code to an HTML code box. Thanks so much! And happy reading!

Fur Babies- Training For Real Babies

2010-07-06T10:45:00.006-06:00

When I got my first fur baby I knew that it would come with some responsibility but I didn't know that it would be like training for real babies. For the first time I had to start being completely responsible for another living thing. I had had pets growing up but this was different. If anything happened to Pippen, I was in charged of everything to fix things.

The first time I really felt like a mom to Pippen was when he got into some food he wasn't suppose to and he woke me up every two hours to tell me that he needed to go to the bathroom. I was up all night with the little guy.

This one time I came home from school and found that he had thrown up in his kennel and had been just sitting in it. I had to give him a bath and some Pepto bismal (The vet nurse on the phone suggested it like I was an idiot for not thinking of it myself.) and clean out his kennel.

We have a new fur baby now named Bambi. We rescued her from the shelter like we did with Pippen. She is a huge handful but I think I love her. I told my husband that I just needed some living things to take care of.

I like to think that there are lessons I have to learn before I can have children and I have to keep learning until I do. I know that lack of knowledge isn't the medical reason for my lack of children just yet but I don't think that learning more about myself and parenting is going to hurt any either.

A Better Mother Response

2010-07-02T15:45:00.003-06:00

After I got the news about my cholesterol and started taking this new medication, I thought that it was time to try talking about PCOS with my mom again.

I told her about what the doctor told me and some extra facts that I had picked up along the way. Apparently sometime to think about what I told her before and thinking about it she realized a few things.

1) PCOS is a real thing that effects more than 1 in 15 women.

2) My grandmother was told that she would have problems getting pregnant because of cysts on her ovaries. (And she had 5 children with long periods of waiting in between.)

3) My mother herself had sporadic periods until she was 21 and her doctor put her on progesterone pills.

4) Doctors have told her that her testosterone levels have always been high.

Surprise Mom! You have PCOS! Or...had? Once her doctors gave her the progesterone her periods started to even out and then come on their own.

I think that once she realized that PCOS wasn't a sentence to childlessness for all eternity, she could cope with it better.

Because PCOS doesn't mean we will never have children. It only means that it is going to be harder and take much longer to hear that pitter patter.

All the Baby Bloggers

2010-07-01T11:10:00.003-06:00

I've noticed that lately there have been more and more IF bloggers who have found themselves with a BFPositive!!! When I first started looking for blogs to follow I avoided IF bloggers who were pregnant like the plague. I didn't want to read about anybodies happy news. I was angry and sad and hurt. I only wanted to read blogs about people in my position.

I'm happy to say that I have grown a little. Now I don't see their pregnancies as something to feel anything but joy and hope for. I have heard their stories of struggles. I have walked in their shoes (only a short way) and know how badly they want this.

Now when they announce that they are "in the family way", I feel so happy that this could finally happen for them. I want to follow their pregnancy and send them happy thoughts and good vibes.

I hope that some day I can have bloggers like you cheering me on when I finally get knocked up.

BFNegative-Month 3

2010-06-30T10:57:00.004-06:00

It is technically been 4 months now since we started trying to get pregnant.

The OB/GYN said that I can't get on Clomid until we have been trying to at least a year to get pregnant. I guess I should be patient and realize that people have been trying 2,3,4,5 years to get pregnant and 4 months is nothing.

Sometimes I just get so negative. I haven't had a period on my own for about 2 years and I've never had a regular cycle. I feel like waiting for that year mark is hopeless because I might not ovulate for 7 months.

I'm on some new medication though, Glucophage. Hopefully this will normalize my ovulation. But it could be months before I see results...and I am so impatient with this whole thing.

Lately, I have been trying to have fun with my husband and friends. I don't have to be miserable waiting and I think that that is the key to getting through this.

All of the Above

2010-06-24T13:28:00.000-06:00

When I was at the OB/GYN's last week she took the time to update my file since my previous doctor didn't leave that many notes on me.

She asked some questions about how long AF has been coming erratically and how long my husband and I have been trying to conceive. I found this conversation particularly enjoyable.

Doctor: Do you have any coarse black hair on you face, nipples, or abdomen?

Phoebe: Yes,

Doctor: Which ones?

Phoebe: Ummm...all of the above?

It is for sure one of my least favorite side effects of the extra testosterone in my system. At least I have a great man who loves me right?

Father's Day, Not For YOU!!

2010-06-23T12:48:00.002-06:00

My husband right now is on a business trip. I haven't called him Oscar in awhile but I guess I can start doing that again too.

This would have been fine with me IF 1) They had let us know more than two days in advance that he was definitely going. 2) Our anniversary wasn't at the end of this week 3) They didn't have him leave on Father's Day

We are pretty sure that he was asked to go on this trip because most of the other senior co-workers all have children. They think that Oscar can just pick up and leave whenever because he only has a wife at home.

Instead of spending Father's Day even trying to make him a father (if you catch my drift) he just had enough time to finish packing and hop into the car.

I'm glad though that he has a job that he is so good at and they trust him to be the one to travel and work with other teams on stuff. I only wish that they would think about the feelings of others when they arrange flight plans. And I guess that it will make our anniversary really sweet because I will appreciate the time that I get to spend with him.

(Picture of us at a fair that was in town for Memorial Day this year.)

A New OB/GYN

2010-06-22T12:36:00.003-06:00

I know that I have been gone for awhile. I have actually been avoiding this blog like the plague. I was getting to involved with it and other people's blogs and all of the bad news was getting to me.

I thought to myself in my innocence, "Maybe I do need to just relax and try and it will happen." Nope.

Another month. Another negative. Another round of progesterone to get me to HAVE a period.

I got a new OB/GYN. My other one moved away and I'm glad that she did because she was awful at helping me. I got a blood test awhile ago done to make sure that it was PCOS and a week later I called in because she hasn't called me the following Monday like she said she would. I asked about the results and the person on the phone told me that the OB/GYN hadn't looked at them yet. A week later I called back again and the girl just told me that everything was normal.

This month I went back to get a yearly exam...yeah for stirrups. I was asking my doctor about PCOS and she told me that I for sure had it because my exam actually showed that I had really elevated testosterone. She also told me that for my age and weight there was no reason for my cholesterol on a fasting test to show as high as they did. She was worried that in a couple years I might already get diabetes.

THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP OLD OB/GYN!!

BFNegative-Month 2

2010-05-13T10:46:00.003-06:00

I would have been pretty depressed about the whole negative pregnancy test but I have been getting great advice from friends lately.

The first was from my friend Clarise. I was talking about how I always get scared to take a pregnancy test because I don't want to get my hopes up to high and then feel crushed. She said something to the effect of, "I don't know what you are going through but you should just remember that even if it is a negative this month, it doesn't mean you will never be a mother. It just means that you won't be a mother 9 months from now."

She is right.

And her advice really made me feel like less of a failure when it was once again, a big fat negative.

It is only month two of trying. Fertile women can take up to 6 months sometimes to get pregnant. I shouldn't get frustrated yet.

It just seems like time is going by so slowly. Once the 2ww is over, I just sit and wait for AF to show up again(or make her) but the time between just feels like it goes on forever. This is the space of time where I know I'm not going to get pregnant so I'm just waiting for the end of AF.

I have been pretty open with some people around me about all of this. I have been surprised with how well they have handled it.

When I tell someone I usually brace myself for unwanted advice and try not to get offended too easily. I loved one man comment to me, "My sister just had a baby and it took her years of infertility drugs and medication. They have an in vitro baby now. It was all really tough on my sister and alot of work but doctors are amazing and no matter what, you will be a mom some day."

I'm so glad it wasn't a typical, "Once my sister just relaxed she got pregnant" story. That would have made me want to punch him.

Cheers for good friends and empathic people!

Hobby Obsessed

2010-05-02T19:10:00.004-06:00

Since I don't have anything currently going on in my life, I have taken up a million hobbies. I have been working on my sewing as much as time has allowed. My photography class starts tomorrow, as do all of my summer semester classes.I have also been cooking like crazy. I wanted to work on eating healthier. I keep hearing that I should try a low glycemic diet. I decided that I should try eating more fresh fruits and vegetables.
That is what I have been doing to keep my mind off of the 2WW.

Getting to Me

2010-04-29T13:45:00.003-06:00

This was my comment confirmation word they came me. I'm starting to go crazy waiting for the next 2 weeks to pass. Who knows if I even OVULAted?

Support Systems

2010-04-28T00:33:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I had one of the best experiences that I have had since I found out about my PCOS. I told you all that I was going to tell my cousin about my "lady issues" as my way of coming out of the infertility closet.

She was exactly the support that I had hoped to get from my immediate family. She told me about some of her experiences when she told her immediate family. I'm so happy that I have someone in the family to talk to about this stuff. She has been dealing for 2+ years with PCOS and is thinking about her options and whether or not she is ready for IVF.

My grandmother had apparently told my cousin that she should talk to my Aunt about her "infertility". Apparently it took my aunt 4 months to get pregnant with her 4th child! That must have been really hard for her.

It is really hard to have friends and family who don't understand how hard it is to not want to hope to hard that in 9 months I will have a baby while at the same time wanting nothing more than to hold that baby.

I know that I am going to have my own baby someday but it is really great to know that I have some real life support from some of my family.

P.S. It should be noted that Oscar is the best support system that I have right now. I'm just talking about people outside of our relationship that I want as an extra support system. My hubby is great.

The Infertility Closet and Me

2010-04-26T10:49:00.003-06:00

I know that it is National Infertility Awareness week right now and I want to do something to help infertility come out of the world of taboo but I have mixed feelings about it.

I'm usually such an open person. I tell people everything that is going on in my life normally but this has me petrified. My husband, who I am going to call Oscar (Oscar Wilde...get it?) and I both told our families when we found out about the PCOS which was traumatic enough for me but we haven't told them about TTC. I didn't feel like getting constant questions every time they called to "see how things are going."

Oscar only has one sister who is 25 and not dating anyone. Right now they all think that I am the best bet for grandchildren in the near future. When I found out about this PCOS I felt so guilty. I'm the vessel that was going to hold their grandchildren and now there is no guarantee that I will ever be able to do that. I mean, I haven't had AF on my own in over a year. Who knows if I have even ovulated in the last year. I can't get Oscar's family's hopes up that a baby is going to be on its way for awhile.

On the other hand, when I found out that I had PCOS, I was pretty mad when I found out that there was a history of this in the family and no one ever told me. There wasn't really anything to be done about it, but it would have been nice when I had a host of symptoms to know to be worried.

I have thought about if I was ready to tell everyone about this problem on my "daily life-family" blog or not and I think that I am going to chicken out and not do it. I'm scared of my mother leaving a hostile comment. I'm scared of relatives and old friends leaving sad pity filled comments. I'm scared of letting something out there that I wish wasn't true because then I might realize how serious this could be. I'm scared for people feeling sorry for me or being insensitive about it.

I think what I am going to do, is talk to my cousin with PCOS and tell her. I don't want her to feel like she is alone in this. I'm brave enough to do that.

Getting Control

2010-04-22T23:49:00.006-06:00

This has been the first cycle where I have been really keeping track of days and trying to predict when ovulation could be.

Since my husband (I'm going to have to think of a nickname for him) and I are only on month two or really TTC we haven't gotten into the OPKs yet. We just want to try and save our money for when we might really need it.

When I said we were trying it naturally first, I really meant, all natural. I'm trying to use the advice that we all hate hearing and "just relax".

I think that I am still managing to weird out my husband. On the first day of my cycle I got out my day planner and wrote out "CD1" I wanted to start charting so that I can guess the best day. I'm also getting super organized with my plants. I put some seeds in the ground and put in my calendar when I should expect to see some buds coming out of the ground. I think that since I feel like I have no control over what my body is doing, I have to try and control and organize anything that I can.

I'm hoping that the progesterone I took last month will help to remind my ovaries of their jobs. I don't know if that will work but I have my fingers crossed.

The New Chair

2010-04-21T09:06:00.006-06:00

Our living room has been super empty since we moved in almost a year ago. We have been filling up all of the rooms but this one for some reason so we have been on the look out for a chair to fill some of that space.

While driving home from the cemetary yesterday with my mother and brother we passed a house that was selling a chair for $30. It looked like it was in really good condition so I circled back to buy it.

My brother and I carried it down the road and when we finally put it down in my yard, I knew I had to take some pictures.

I wish that I hadn't put the back of the chair to the road because I think it would have looked good against the house but Oh well.I think that I might try this again sometime with my friends though...and all dressed up.

Ladies in Waiting Too

2010-04-17T19:35:00.006-06:00

A friend of mine and I are working on an Etsy shop project. She is waiting for her boyfriend to get home from his mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Most people that she has told that she is waiting just laugh and say that she will never be able to wait two years.

Well it has been a year and two months and she is still waiting for him.

We realized that girls who choose to wait need support and so we wanted to start an Etsy shop that was for girls who are waiting for their boyfriends to come back from either serving the country, their religion, or whatever other reasons they might have for being long distance.

Right now I am concentrating on one thing, and that is postcards. You can have an inside joke.

Special shout outs.Birthday celebrations.The possibilities of the silhouettes are endless. I'm really excited to get started. If you want to take a look you can head to our Etsy shop!

A Question

2010-04-15T15:06:00.004-06:00

I once told my mom during an AF visit that I thought being a girl was gross. She said that she thought being a boy would be gross because of the whole "wet dream" thing.

I am still not convinced.

Yesterday my husband asked me to stop talking when I was talking about how rough this period has been. It got way to gross for him.

Most of my period are VERY far apart and a REALLY mild flow. Since this one was progesterone induced it has been WAY worse.

Blood clots that are as big as this guy! I had a heart attack when I looked down in the shower and saw it on my leg!

I don't know if I want to ever have a regular period. I would like to ovulate normally but I don't really like this part of the process. I can't have one without the other I guess.

What do you guys think? Is being a boy worse, or being a girl?

CD1 and Growing a Garden

2010-04-14T23:03:00.004-06:00

Well today is finally CD1 which makes me happy since once I have a period we can start the BD again. I wasn't counting on seeing AF until later. My OB/GYN told me that AF wouldn't get here for about 10 days but 3 isn't bad. I'll be counting down the days till I am able to try the BD again and hope for the best. I never thought that I would be planning this out so obsessively. Also, I feel like I have learned so much about my body from reading all of the blogs I've been reading.

Until then, I have been working on my garden. I might as well watch something grow. I'm really excited to start getting some fresh produce since I am trying to eat healthier. I want to make sure my body is in the best condition it can be. Wish me luck! Green Thumbs do not run in my family.

Holy Cramping Batman!

2010-04-13T10:11:00.003-06:00

When I was growing up I thought that girls were just super whinny. They would talk about how horrible cramps were and won't come to school because it would hurt so bad. I would think, "What is your issue? It isn't that bad."

I thought this because I had never had a "real period" in my life. I didn't know what cramps felt like.

My first month on the pill was THE WORST. This pain was so new. I had never experienced wanted to throw my stomach against a counter to ease the pain. Luckily at that point I was in college with a bunch of girls who felt my pain and gave me all their painkillers and hot bean bags that they had made when they were younger and going through this.

Due to insurance issues (aka not having any) I had to go off the pill after only a couple months.

This month has been even worse than that. I had to take progesterone pills since AF is way passed due so I had to start it on my own. I have been cramping horribly for the passed two days with no AF yet in sight. I'm so miserable. I don't know how women can tolerate this every month since they were 13? 14? (When do normal people start receiving AF?)

My husband is pretty understanding since he has Crohns disease. He knows how bad cramps can get so he is the nicest to me when he knows that I am going through it.

Oh well, I guess it is a good trade off for knowing their stuff works.

At least once my period comes and goes I can give the getting pregnant thing another go...if I ovulate.

Wishing all of your luck on your quests!

None of Your Fricken Business!

2010-04-12T13:13:00.002-06:00

Let me start off by saying, This is not directed at you.

I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS for short). I'm a pretty religious person but I try not to be in your face about it. I love this Church and I know that it is true.

I don't like "Mormon" culture. "Mormon" is a nickname that people have for LDS members because we believe that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. I call people "Mormons" who have their own weird sub-culture that has nothing to do with the teachings if the LDS church.

In the Mormon culture, women feel like they are born to make babies and so their goals in life consist of learning crafts, getting married to have babies, and learning more crafts.

With that all explained, let me tell you a story. I live in a place that is highly populated with members of the LDS faith. While at college last semester I took a "Interpersonal Process" class and met this one girl that I am going to call Lady A. Lady A is a total Mormon. She was single when we met and two months later she met a guy and one month later they were engaged. The engagement lasted for a month and they were married on January 2 of this year. She told me before they got married that she was planning on not using birth control but "letting God give her a baby". 3 days after she was married, she was pregnant.

I found out that she was pregnant about the same time that I was going through finding out about PCOS and so I wasn't outright avoiding her but I wasn't going out of my way to hang out with her either.

Today I ran into her while trying to get to one of my classes.

We made small talk. She showed me her little baby bump and I let her talking about the joy she is feeling.

Then she said, "What's new with you? Are you pregnant, yet?"

I guess since I have been married for 10 months at least a hint of a baby on the way would be expected. But we have only been trying since I found out that it might be a while.

I told her, "No. No baby on the way."

And then she said the most hurtful thing that could be said to me right now, "What's taking so long?"

She wasn't trying to be mean. I kept telling myself over and over again. I was stunned. I just stood there. Silent.

I just said, "Nope. Nothing new. I better get to class."

I kept hearing, "What's taking so long?" over and over again in my head. I stopped myself from crying but it was hard. It hasn't been that long since I started trying but, I have no reason to think it is going to be anytime soon. The thought of me being 5 years from now with no baby has been banging around in my head lately.

She didn't know what she was saying. She didn't know if would hurt. But even then, what business is it of hers when I am planning on having children?

Happy New Year!! (Thai Style)

2010-04-11T17:23:00.010-06:00

I used to live in Thailand growing up and it is still a very big part of my life. I want to be able to some day pass on some of the traditions that I loved when I was over there.

The biggest one is the Thai New Year, Songkron. Most of the rituals surrounding the holiday are religious but I'm not a Buddhist. The best part of Songkron though is the nation wide water fight. The whole country stops for days and has a huge water fight. I love it!

I thought that even though I am stuck living in the United States, I would make the most of it and have a water fight anyway. It was awesome!

I have the best husband in the world. He is the only guy who can deal with my craziness and keep me in check. We had so much fun with our friends too!We had some children come over who I knew when I lived overseas. They were so much fun to see again. See how good I am with kids? Someday...This is my old room mate Clarise and my little brother Daniel. They are so fun to be around.Water balloon baseball was a hit (pun was VERY intended) with the crowd. Look at that great follow through!Happy Songkron!!! I hope all of you have sunshine headed your way!

New Lappy

2010-04-08T14:10:00.005-06:00

I got a new laptop since my old one finally bite the dust. I only had it for 3 years but due to "roughness" it went in a fairly early time frame. (I dropped it one to many times on its butt and stabbed it in the motherboard with the power thingy...or so they tell me.)

My husband was kind enough to get me this new one...I just can't have any new toys for awhile.

I don't really have anything to report.

I thought you might enjoy some photos of me that I took with the web cam...because I'm so excited that this computer has ones.I've been sick lately so I have had plenty of time to sit and play around. Nothing new...just waiting for this semester to end so I can have a little vacation.

Facebook, Stop Rubbing It In!

2010-04-06T09:42:00.001-06:00

This might be old news to some of you, but to me, lately it seems like every time I get on facebook, the ads on the sides all say about the same thing.
No facebook...I would not like to follow my no existent baby's growth week by week, but thanks for reminding me about my BFN!Hmmm...let me think about it. Ummmm...NO! Not yet! And no thank you, I already have a free website that is devoted at the moment to my empty uterus.That would be cool if I could get people to buy me presents for my "Woe is Me" party.*sigh* I'm out of snarky things to say.

But, seriously? All of these popped up in just twenty minutes of being on facebook! After the last one, I couldn't take it. I clicked the "X" and told them my reason was because it was offensive. Facebook has made me offended of pregnant women and babies.

Anyone else feel my pain?

Spring Time

2010-04-05T13:40:00.010-06:00

Well, it was officially Spring Time on March 21st and yesterday was Easter. The universal day of new life and rebirth. This is what I woke up to.When my husband and I woke up and saw how beautiful (and so so cold) it was outside we decided to take a trip into the Provo Canyon. I was in Provo visiting friends and family for the holiday and I was so glad that we did. I have been wanting to get some better shots of the snow lately.I loved this hint of spring peeking out from under this rock.I'm so lucky to have a husband that lets me jump out of the car to take pictures of reflections in the water.
I love the clouds that are right on the top of this picture.I have been taking the beauty of the mountains for granted lately since I don't like the cold. I shouldn't because it really is breathe taking sometimes.I'm so glad that I could get out and enjoy this Easter morning.

Blog Hop

2010-04-02T14:10:00.004-06:00

This is the first time that I have joined in on a blog hop and so I hope that I am doing it right.

Welcome to my blog!!!

I just found out that I have PCOS about a month and a half ago. My husband and I were trying to decide when we wanted to have kids and my doctors visit in February came as quite a shock to both of us. We are currently TTC naturally.

I try to write about more than just what is going on with my nether regions. I like to think that I am more than my PCOS. I am trying to explore my talents and this blog was originally going to be for me to write about 2010 and my quest to learn how to sew. It has turned into so much more.

Feel free to read my blog and get to know me.

On A Stick

2010-04-01T22:40:00.003-06:00

I knew for a couple weeks that this time was drawing closer...peeing on a stick time. Since AF wasn't looking like she was on the way I had to take some progesterone pills but before that could be done, I had to find out if I was pregnant.

I knew I wasn't pregnant. Or maybe I didn't know but I didn't want to get my hopes up that maybe I was.

For the last couple days I have really just been building myself up to do it. I've been telling myself that it wasn't to find out that I was pregnant but to okay AF heading over.

Finally I did it. I got up the nerve.

Even after telling myself that I wasn't going to care...I did. Staring at that negative stick again feels like it is taking all of my fantasizing and wishing and pulls me back down to the realness that is my PCOS.

I'll build myself back up for next month.

Tuned Out

2010-03-30T16:48:00.007-06:00

I've been thinking lately about how obsessed with technology the world is these days. I haven't given in to getting a smart phone yet but I know that the day will come.

I've been trying to figure out if I need to cut back on my computer time and I am still undecided.

Yesterday at the dog park I saw something that worried me.

I don't know this man. He could have been doing something super important that was life or death on his phone. But to me, it was just sad. He had a giant black lab that really wanted to play and he had a child strapped onto his back. He was missing out on so much.

This second picture was 10 minutes later. He is still tuned out.
Does he know that his child gets older every day? Does he know that these moments are gone forever?

My dad realized on my sister's 9 birthday that he had missed most of her life being at work. He worked tons of over time and sometimes we wouldn't see him for weeks. We would go to bed before he got home and wake up after he left the next day.

I don't want to be that person. I don't want my husband to be that person.

I love my Dad. He is an amazing man and he did so much for his family. I would have liked to see him more growing up though.

I'm glad I married this guy. He's amazing in so many ways. The most important way is that he is tuned in.

Gratitude is the Best Attitude!

2010-03-29T23:08:00.004-06:00

Instead of telling you all about how crumby I have felt the last couple days about ruining my memory card for my camera and losing a whole bunch of awesome photos, I thought it would be better to talk about gratitude.

Flashback to Christmas morning:

When I opened this

I was not grateful at all. I acted happy to receive it but inside I thought it was the dumbest present for me. What was I going to do with an 4GB memory card when I had a great 8GB one already. I didn't take that many photos at one time that I would need it. But what can you expect from brothers, right?

I stashed it away in the back of a drawer and forgot about it.

Flash forward to today:

I was super upset that I messed up my memory card and didn't have a replacement! I needed to be able to take photos but all I had was my old point and shoot...and after using a SLR for months I didn't like the idea. I like to be in control of manual. And then I remembered.

Needless to say I was over joyed to have that memory card in my time of need. But I thought, if I had only remembered what it felt like to have nothing I never would not have been so ungrateful at the time. I would have been able to receive that gift with the right attitude.

An attitude of gratitude.

I need to remember that most of the world doesn't even have an 8th of all the blessings I have.

Everything is a gift. Every second. Every breathe. Every Thing.

I'll have to keep working on that.

My First "Aunt Jane"

2010-03-26T20:42:00.003-06:00

I should say, "Uncle John" because it was in fact a man. But even so, I think we all have encountered our own "Aunt Janes".

Anyway, onto the story. I was talking to one of my ex-boyfriends (We had a good break up so we never really stopped being friends.) on Skype and he has been have some issues lately that he wanted to talk about.

When he was done talking he asked me how my life was going. I told him it was alright. He asked me if I was pregnant yet.

It isn't common knowledge that we are trying, he just always asks.

I told him that I wasn't and briefly mentioned that I had PCOS. He asked some questions and I answered. I told him that it might be hard for me to conceive but I'm hopeful.

Super obnoxiously he said, "This is what I think you should do. Lose some weight. Like 15 pounds. Don't worry that your doctor told you to keep some weight on. Just get really really healthy and if will fix it. I know about stuff like this. I'm on the internet all the time."

Gee...thanks. Don't know if I will be talking to him about this anymore. Even though he is "an expert".

Phoebe's Photography

2010-03-25T11:50:00.006-06:00

I realized today that I talked about my love of taking pictures but I haven't really shown you any of my pictures. I'm not saying I'm amazing...I'm just saying that I love doing it. These are all pictures of my trip to Louisiana over the Christmas holiday.

For some reason I was finding the old gates quite beautiful and so I took loads of pictures of different ones.

Torturing Myself

2010-03-24T11:13:00.003-06:00

I love children's books. I think that the best way to teach children to have a love of learning and of reading is to read to them at a young age. My mother would always read my siblings and I bedtime stories. We had our favorite books that we loved to hear. It was a very special time before bed for us. I loved it.

I have always wanted to do the same things with my children. I began my collecting along time ago. When I traveled to other countries I would buy books that I could only get there. I have a book of Russian fairy tales bought in Russia. I also have a book about a tuk-tuk (a three wheeled motorized vehicle found in Asia and used as a cheap taxi) from when I lived in Thailand.

Lately though this habit has been a bit torturing. I just buy books when I find a good one at the Deseret Industries (DI) so that I'm not spending a load of money on something I might not use for awhile. At the same time, it is hard to look at a pile of books in the room that will someday be our nursery. Sometimes I go in there and read some of the books out loud.

Do I sound crazy yet?

I just love the stories of Winnie the Pooh and the new addition to my collection, Harold and the Purple Crayon. Someday I know that I will get the chance to share them with a child. It is just a matter of when.

Introduction to My Fur Baby

2010-03-22T13:05:00.007-06:00

My husband sometimes doesn't like it when I grab my dog and make him cuddle with me or put sweaters on him. (I'm not a crazy person but it is so cold where we live now! It would be mean to not put a sweater on him.)

I can't help myself. He is the only "baby" I could have for awhile and so I was really happy when I saw the phrase "fur baby" flying around.

I always wanted a dog growing up and so when my husband and I bought a house I had to have a dog. We bought Pippen at a shelter and it has been love ever since.

I liked to think that he was going to help me learn to be a better mother. I think he has gotten me ready for more gross things to come. I have picked up poop everyday since. I have wiped up dog snot. I have cleaned up digging through the trash messes. I have cleaned up vomit and wiped up little "accidents".

I've also taught him tricks. I've taken him to dog parks to play with other dogs. I've gone on walks with him. I've taken him to farmer's markets to fun in dog races. I've cuddled on the couch with him and read books.

He is an amazing mutt and I love him. At least I know my world will never be short of fur babies.

Trying To Conceive(TTC)

2010-03-17T00:10:00.000-06:00

After my tests came back negative for anything worse than PCOS, my husband and I talked about what we wanted to do.

Him agreeing to try and have a baby was very important to me. I took a class a couple years ago in college and learned that when a baby was born the marital satisfaction always decreases but it decreases the least when both partners agree that it is time to have a baby. Hence, I wanted to make sure it was something that we both wanted.

The doctor told us to try for 3 months and if nothing happens by the end of May we should come back and see what Clomin could do for us.

It feels like such a big step but at the same time, it isn't really anything that you tell people about.

Right now I think the scariest part for me is getting my hopes up. I want to think positively but on the other hand I don't want to get attached to the idea of having a baby in the near future.

I guess everyone experiences some kind of nerves before they embark on this journey. It must be a right of passage.

For better or for worse, we are trying to conceive! Mark it down! March 2010!

A Good Turn Daily

2010-03-16T00:05:00.003-06:00

Lately I have been telling other people that to help get them to take their minds off of their problems, they should focus on helping others.

I thought that I would trying giving it a go also.

Today I got my chance. I was in the grocery store with my husband and we were standing in line. This older woman came up behind us with two grocery carts full of stuff. She was trying to get it all on the cart and having a hard time and so I jumped in and gave her a hand.

She was so grateful for the help and it made me feel so good to be doing something for a total stranger.

I think sometimes I'm so afraid to connect in society with someone I don't know because of the potential risk. We as a whole are starting to be so disconnected with people but when it comes down to it, we are all basically the same. We are humans who sometimes need other humans to give up a hand or make contact. We don't have to move through the world alone.

Today was a good day.

Pay it forward.

Being Beautiful

2010-03-14T18:15:00.006-06:00

I'm just going to say it, I was pretty good looking in high school. At least what I lacked in attractiveness I made up for in confidence.I was friends with the super creative types and I was an actor. I loved being in front of people; being the center of attention. I hardly ever wore make up because I didn't need it.

Then I went to college and stuff started to change.

I got acne. I got it bad.

I started growing hair in weird places. I had to start plucking my chin hairs all the time to keep them at bay. I was getting side burns and a "happy trial".

I started to just feel disgusting. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. I dreaded going to class because I knew people could see me. I lost all confidence in myself.

I tried everything for my skin. And I mean EVERYTHING. I went to the doctor to get some pills to see if that would fix it. Nothing. People would come up and tell me ways to fix it. When a Proactive commercial would come on tv my room mates would say,"You should try that" like I wouldn't have thought of that on my own.

I changed my diet. I put everything on my face that I could think of. Finally I worked out a routine that seemed to help at least a little. But still...I had a bunch of "scars" from it on my face. Old red marks that seemed to be part of the skin now. I hated what I saw in the mirror.

When I was looking online trying to figure out what was wrong with me (period wise) I found a list of symptoms. There it was:

Late adult acne
Excessive facial and body hair
Irregular periods.

Everything I hated about myself all one thing.

Last night as I was looking for stuff about trying to conceive naturally with PCOS I found an article that said, These [acne and excessive hair growth] can cause physical and psychological scars.

I just couldn't help feeling how true that was. I want to stop hating my face. I want to feel beautiful again. I am done hating myself.
This is me. This is what I look like. And I need to love it.

Sewing Project #2 Purse

2010-03-10T16:13:00.008-07:00

Remember what I started the blog for? Yeah...my New Year's Goals. The main one being to learn to sew.

It has been so long since I sat down and did some sewing. My machine has been broken and life has been happening.

Well, I finally got down to some sewing.

In the bargain basket at Joann's I found some black silk that I loved and I wanted to make it into a purse. It was so smooth and I knew that I didn't want the inside to be that smooth.

I also found some pink polka dots that looked perfect for the job!

I am super proud of the way that it turned out. I'm a huge fan of the polka dots on the inside! There are a few things that I think I would do differently if I made another purse but I am going to use it all of the time! It was also good to get my mind off of things for awhile.

Waiting for Tests

2010-03-09T19:08:00.004-07:00

Last week I went in for some tests to try and figure out if I have PCOS or something worse. I haven't told most of the people in my family what has been going on till I know for sure what it is.
At a family function one of my family members noticed this and asked what happened to my arm. I am a horrible liar and so I said, "Oh, I had to go to the doctor for some tests."

Apparently when you are a young married person, "going to the doctor" means that I am pregnant. I'm trying to think of something worse than waiting for test results to find out if I will be able to have children while family members keep teasing me about keeping a pregnancy a secret.

Since I was at a "happy occasion" family event I didn't really want to be Debbie Downer so I kept my mouth shut.

To tell or not to tell? That is my questions.

P.S. My doctor still hasn't gotten back to me with the results so I am going to assume that no news is good news.

I've Still Got It

2010-03-04T14:36:00.006-07:00

Instead of talking about how miserable I have felt all day (killer 7 months worth of cramps, a forced fast by my doctors for more tests, and waking up earlier than is sane to get it out of the way), I am going to talk about how much fun I had last night at a church function.

I have been trying to make friends in our ward for the last 8 months of living in Ogden. As of yesterday morning I had one.

We were having a dinner to celebrate the Relief Society birthday. I signed up to bring cupcakes.

Flash back:

About 4 years ago I took a Wilton cake decorating course. After that I can't frost anything without throwing in at least a little bit of effort. I don't bake loads and so I don't decorate that much either.

Flash forward:

I didn't have ANY tips or bags so I ran to the store to get a basic set.

Let me tell you, the extra money for real stuff is WORTH IT! This stuff was so hard to use but I was still pretty proud of myself.

Making a cupcake look decorated looks so much harder than it really is and people always think that you worked forever on them. It is great.

Enough about me.

The Relief Society party was really fun. I don't know if I made any new friends but I did have fun dressing up with the other ladies. We all had to put on different hats.

I loved this lady! She was so cute in her gloves. At one point she said, "You can't pick up anything with gloves. These are worthless." I love it when older women are super sassy.

It was really fun to take my mind off of all the stuff that has been coming at me the last couple of weeks.

Go out and do something fun!

Telling My Family

2010-02-28T23:33:00.006-07:00

Before I went to the doctor to find out what was wrong with me, I did some Internet research to see what I could find.

When I found a list of symptoms for PCOS I started to get scared. I did more research since it sounded so much like me. I asked my mom if she knew of anyone in our family with PCOS and she told me about my cousin. I told her I was scared that that was what was wrong with me and she told me that not having my period of 7 months was fine because I was probably just a "late bloomer". My dad then sent me a text message saying, "We have not been overly impressed with some of the doctors in Utah and in California. They often diagnose off the wall things. Ask Aaron (my husband) to give you a blessing and then don't worry about it."

I am a pretty religious person but even that was too much for me. Just pray? Ignore it and maybe it will go away?

After talking to the doctor and finding out that I probably do have PCOS I didn't want to tell my parents. I was feeling so raw from the news the day before and I couldn't imagine trying to talk to them about it.

This morning my mom started messaging me wanting to know what the doctor said. I told her...evening knowing what she would say.
I told her that they thought it was PCOS.
She said that I wasn't fat.
I told her that I was in the 10% of women that didn't gain weight as a side effect.
That is when my mother told me that the doctor was a quack.
I told her that she was not being helpful.
She told me that she was right and that I should trust my mother.

That's right...instead of a health professional.

She said that a REAL doctor wouldn't pull something out of thin air instead of doing tests.
I told her I had most of the symptoms and that PCOS is the most common reason for women to have irregular periods. I also told her that I was going back for more tests.
She said that she would pray for the doctor since I wasn't the one that needed the prayers.
She asked me what symptoms I had.
I told her about the acne that had cropped up when I was almost 19.
She said everyone has acne.
I told her about the excessive body hair.
She told me that she had chin whiskers, she knew someone who had to shave and still had children.
I told her about the odd places of my hair growth.
So she sarcastically called me a hairy beast.
She once again reassured me that I was just a "late bloomer" and that she had to go to church.

The conversation left me feeling so empty and exhausted. All I wanted to hear from people were things like, "Don't worry, you will get through this!" "We are here for you!" "You will get through this. Medicine can do amazing things now!"

I didn't want to hear that I was an idiot for listening to a doctor or that I just needed to suck it up.

There is something wrong with me! I am sick and my body is showing me in so many different ways. When the doctor told me what it was, I felt somewhat relieved. Finally, I could put a name on this sudden hair growth, my late acne, and my crazy irregular periods that I have dealt with since I was in high school.

I just wanted support from my family. Not to have my answers taken away and my judgement belittled.

The Verdict

2010-02-26T23:01:00.003-07:00

Well, as few of you might now I haven't been having my monthly visitor for quite some time. At first I thought that it might be because I was pregnant but as time wore on and all of the tests were negative and I wasn't getting any bigger, disappointment set in and then worry.

Today I went to the doctor and found out that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS.
She said that I was in the 10% that don't suffer from weight gain. It comes with pros and cons.

Pros: I have less chances of getting Type II diabetes.

Cons: Heavier women have a chance of losing weight and becoming more regular. I don't. The most I can lose is 10 pounds.

One thing that I have going for me is my age. I'm 21. I'm 21 and it would seem that my biological clock is already ticking.

Everything In Its Place

2010-02-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

I have been marveling at people like on YoungHouseLove. There house always seems so perfect and in order.

I have been trying to do this. Find a place for everything and make sure that when it is not being used, it is back in its place. *Side Note: I made those curtains and striped pillow cases myself. I'm pretty proud.*

I have been decluttering lately and just throwing out stuff or giving things away that I don't need. I chose to start with the living room. They goal is to always have this room neat and ready for guests. It feels good to look around and see that I live in a beautiful house.

I am going to count how many days the coffee table can look this good. I am the type that likes to pile stuff up in certain spots.

How do you stay organized? Do you suffer from trying to be perfect too?

My Strange Puppy

2010-02-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

You know how when you get dogs from the shelter, you never know what you are going to end up with?

Sometimes I think this when my dog does something so weird that I can't even imagine what happened in his past to make him act this way.

My dog is scared of drive-thrus. Yup. Every time we go through one he hops down onto the floor of the car and sits there shaking. I don't even know how to help him out. I just let him do it and try to remember his delicate feelings when planning meals.

Apparently after having him for 6 months, he has decided that it is okay to do this.
He doesn't even keep it in the family. When we went to see his "little brother" he thought that it was okay to not only block the TV, but sit on a person? He is out of control. I should be glad that this is the worst of it.

What to Sell?

2010-02-17T23:57:00.004-07:00

I have been looking at somethings that people pay money for and I think, "Why didn't I think of that?" "I can make that!"

I am driven nuts sometimes by people who I feel "sell out" Mormonism. I don't just mean the LDS Church but the whole Mormon culture. There are Book of Mormon games, cards, and action figures. It makes me mad that someone out there is making a killing on keeping other people's kids reverent in church.

But hey, I might want to jump on the propaganda train too.

I made a blue one too.

Is it a sin to want to read through the scriptures looking for phrases that I can sell?

Starting an Etsy Shop

2010-02-17T19:13:00.003-07:00

I want to earn money for our family but I don't want to work at an fast food place or anywhere that I am going to hate. I love cross stitching. I love doing crafts and I have finally decided to try and do something about it.

I have finally done it.

Well, I took a small step in the right direction.

I am going to do it.

I am going to open an etsy shop.

I started my account today.

I haven't put anything up yet but I will.

I think that I will start by selling my funny tea towels. I might make some small samplers and frame them and sell those for people to hang up in their bathrooms.

Then who knows. I might move on to selling some stuff that I sew...if I get any good at it. I am excited. I can do it.

Sewing Project #1 Baby Booties

2010-02-10T13:30:00.000-07:00

I was looking at really simple stuff to sew and I found a pattern for little baby booties.

I had some fabric that I thought would be pretty cute for them and so today I decided to try my hand at making some.

I am really horrible at giving tutorials (I'll add that to my list of things to do this year). I really just have pictures of the finished project.For a first shot, I'm pretty proud of them. There are a couple things that I would want to change if I want to make a pair to sell. Maybe put some interfacing in to make it less likely to fray. Get some eyelets to punch in for the ribbon to go through.

Personally, I would love to dress a little baby girl in some skull and cross bone booties.

*Side Note* I finally got brave and made an appointment with a doctor to talk about my "womanly worries". Cross your fingers for me.

Bookshelf Inspired

2010-02-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

After all of the research that I am doing online for ideas of stuff to spruce up my house (Build in the 1940's) I have stumbled upon an idea that I would never think of.

Don't like it?

Need to update?

On the cheap?

Just PAINT IT!

When I was trying to decide what I wanted to clean out and spruce up the guest bedroom, my eyes feel upon an old bookshelf.

Rewind:

Three years ago when I was in college I needed a bookshelf. I went to the DI (Deseret Industries) and got a skinny wood bookshelf with a heart cut out of the top. It was the perfect size for what I needed even though it didn't go with anything I owned. It worked. That was all the mattered.

Fast Forward:

Times had changed and I still didn't like the heart. I had gotten my money's worth out of it and so couldn't I just throw it out? Then I got a idea.

That is right.

Paint it.

I would paint it red, since that is one of my favorite colors. But there was still the matter of the heart. I don't know what it is about the heart. I thought that it made the whole thing look cheap. Then I got another idea... I hope you like.

My husband thinks that it looks like a watermelon in the, now, light green room. I think he is just jealous of my skill.

I think that it looks so adorable with my children's book collection on it.Now you go have some fun being creative!

Decorating Free Magnets

2010-02-08T13:30:00.000-07:00

You know those free magnets that seem to pile up on your fridge. You keep them because they are useful, even though they don't really reflect you.

I was kind of sick of them on my fridge too.

I found a tutorial online about covering them with fabric.

Except I didn't have a scrap pile of fabric to use and so I decided to use some of my scrap booking paper (because for the last two years I have been trying to perfect my scrap booking).

I just kind of went nuts with it. I mean, what a great idea? I never thought to do something about changing them. I guess that that is what the internet is for.

I had so much fun with these. You should go out and do something with yours.

Go! Get up and Be Creative!

A No Sew Project

2010-01-28T11:36:00.008-07:00

Don't worry! I haven't given up on my goal of learning to sew. I have been working on it. Just simple things though. I made some pillow covers and curtains for our living room. I will probably post some pictures eventually. It is still January and so I am just getting warmed up.

Thing I owe you:

A home made purse that I have yet to finish

A dress that is half way done

Pictures of my living room curtains and pillow covers

Don't let me forget!

The purpose of this post though is to show you a fabric included, but no sew project that I worked on the other day. Long story short my dog ate my shoes(boring but typical) that I have had for 2 years. I wanted new shoes to replace them...but instead of spending money on new ones I decided to mod-podge some fabric on them.

It was a fairly easy project and I am so glad that I got my shoes back! I don't have to be embarrassed about the chewed up bow.

My hint to anyone who is planning on doing this: If you have a dark shoe for the base, use a dark fabric. I can see the black of my shoe coming through in parts and so if they wear down or next time I do this to another pair of shoes I am going to go for something bolder.

This isn't the finished bow...I just loved how it looked over sized. I'm going to glue down a smaller bow to the front.Good luck with your project!

Babies

2010-01-28T11:30:00.005-07:00

Maybe it is just where I live but I feel like everyone in the world is having a baby right now. Even a girl from my graduating class just had a baby girl. There are so many pregnant people in the blogasphere. I feel like to be a good woman blogger you have to have at least one kid under your belt.

I have never been the type to want to have kids. My whole life I didn't even want to get married. I thought that I would have a great life working as a teacher and then taking crazy summer trips around the whole. Then I feel in love with my boyfriend and never wanted to let him go. I had no choice but to marry him. Now I have this crazy urge to start having children.

We are going to wait until he feels ready to start supporting a family.

*whispers* I hope it is soon.

Problem:

I have secondary amenorrhea. It is a fancy term for, it has been six months since my last period and I'm not with child. It could be a number of things. I need to head to the OB/GYN and find out what is wrong with me. But I'm scared.

I'm scared of finding out that I can't have children.

Who wants to mentally hold my hand?

One thing is for sure, I'm so glad that I have a husband who loves me no matter what.

Thanks for listening (reading, rather).

Sincerely,

My Silly Samplers!

2010-01-10T22:13:00.008-07:00

Since writing that last post I have been DIEING to make my own sampler with a less than normal "tender" message.

My mother is amazing and obsessed with crafts and so this Christmas she gave me free roam of the craft closet and permission to take anything that I could fit in my suitcase. One of the things I ended up with were three tea towels with a stripe of cross stitching fabric. I figured that those would be really fun things to try my hand at with these samplers. Now I am sad that I only took three! I might end up asking her to send me more. Tell me what you think.

This was the first one that I made. I am in love with strawberries at the moment and so I knew that those would look so cute on this towel. I also have a hate for people who don't wash there hands when they go to the bathroom.

I also tried to make the back really neat since you never know when someone might turn it around and heaven forbid someone see a rat's nest of threads. I am personally amazed with myself. As long as this is washed gently than it shouldn't fall apart.

Who cross stitches skulls and crossbones? ME! I love it! People right now are so obsessed with swine flu and so I thought it would be funny to demand that you wash your hands.

I think that the next one I will work on will have little pig faces but I can't figure out what I am going to write on it. I am also thinking that I might try selling these on etsy. I don't have my own account. I will have to think about it.

Sincerely,

A Case for Silly Samplers

2010-01-06T23:33:00.007-07:00

Recently, while in a book store trying to spend some Christmas money from family, I found a book entitles, Subversive Cross Stitching. While I didn't find all of the patterns in it appropriate, I did find some of them funny. If you don't offend easily I suggest that you take a look.

This is a concept that I LOVE. Once when I was forced to do a cross stitch for church, I made a pattern that said, "The Gospel is True, and People are Jerks." It was something that my mother had always told me and I thought it would be nice to share. :) Or maybe a scripture like this.

Proverbs 17: 28 Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent...

That would make a cute sampler to hang in my house, wouldn't it!

All you ever see in houses are the sweet ones. Slightly cheesy but positive messages that you want to look at every day. I understand.

But wouldn't you smile when you saw this too?This is a quote from Star Wars if you didn't get the reference. (How could you miss it with the light sabers at the top?)

I feel a slight shift in my desire to sew...heading toward cross stitching some stuff for the fun of it. Well...I do have a year to work on my goal of sewing. Stay strong!