A Bad Night

Sometimes I am really okay with everything. I tell myself that it is okay that we are having a rough time getting pregnant. I tell myself that it is still early days and there is no reason to start to really worry.

Some days I am fine with looking at pictures of my friends with babies. I am truly happy for all my friends and their children. I'm excited for people who are months away from their little miracles. On those good days, I really am all of those things.

Not tonight.

Tonight I am mostly heart broken. I don't want to be filled with self pity but today I am and if you will all just bare with me or skip this post it is fine.

*sigh* Maybe it is the baby shower invite that came in the mail today. Maybe it is the fact that is girl from high school announced that she is getting a divorce...and is pregnant with a baby she really didn't want. Maybe it is the post a friend wrote about how great it feels to finally be a dad and his pictures make me wish that I could do that for my husband. Or maybe it was the woman in obedience class who came with her 8 children (One of them a 3 month old that I wanted to snatch).

Nights like these I really can't help but feel like I'm broken.

Sometimes I wish it was as easy as not "wanting it so much". Because on my good days, I would totally get knocked up. But not today.

Coming Out and Saying It

When people ask Oscar and I about having children, I always go the 100% honest route.

"So, when are you and Oscar planning on having kids?"

"Now would be great but I have PCOS so we will see how that goes."

Or...

"When are we going to see some grandchildren?"

"Whenever my eggs decide to come out of hiding. With PCOS I just never know when I am going to ovulate."

This has actually started some really great discussions with people. I have found another girl, in one of my summer classes, who also has PCOS and a woman at church who had a miscarriage and needed someone to talk to.

I've also had some unwanted advice about this whole situation but mostly it has been a really great experience just being honest.

My husband is amazed with how many people open up to me about different things when they barely know me but the truth is, I make people comfortable by first putting myself out there.

People want to share their feelings and they want someone to talk with about their struggles. When I am the brave one first, I am able to be that for them. I would encourage everyone who feels comfortable talking about their struggles and even those who don't, to talk with someone about it. You never know who will surprise you with just the thing that you needed to hear at that time.

Mind Over Matter

Last night as I was trying to drop off to sleep I suddenly had this terrible urge to...a-hem...do the Technicolor yawn. (Don't get excited guys! It probably isn't any form of morning sickness...according to a pregnancy test three days or so ago.)

Usually when I feel nauseous I am able to talk myself out of it. I HATE throwing up. Oscar and I get into the argument all the time about whether it is better to vomit and stop the stomach pain and all feelings of needing to loss our lunch or to focus all my energy on not vomiting and suffering through.

I have always thought that it was a great skill, having this control over my vomit/not vomit reflex.

But last night it got me to thinking, wouldn't it be great if I could will myself to ovulate the same way that I can will myself to keep from tossing my cookies. It would be amazing if I could focus all of my thoughts on that one body system and get just one egg on its way.

Would you think that that would count as relaxing?

Get Away

I promised myself that the next post I did would be more chipper. I feel like every time I write it is to get out the sadness that is creeping in my life. But most of the time I am actually really happy.

My hubby Oscar and I went on a mini get away almost a month ago. Even though it is really just the two of us in the house (fur babies aside) it is good to get away from the normal routine and spend sometime away.

We just went 15 minutes away from our house into the mountains but it was beautiful. We found out that we live really close to a lake and that we could rent jet skis.

I bought a disposable water proof camera so that I wouldn't have to worry about mine getting wet. It was so fun to use film again. I haven't gone to get them developed but when I do, I will make sure to post them here.

I'm really excited for August because I am going to head out to New York City with some friends and take in the sights and then in the middle of August my hubby and I are going to Ohio for a friend's wedding. And at the end of August we might have a quick trip down to San Diego to visit some of my family.

I love how even when life is being difficult and not going the way you plan it, you can still plan for other fun. While Oscar and I can't seem to get pregnant, we are going to use the time together for tons of fun.

Even with all of the IF stuff, I still really love my life.

BFNegative-Month 3 1/2

My doctor told me to not take Provera while I am on this new stuff. She wants to see if my cycle can start itself with it. Since I could ovulate at any time, I am testing myself every couple weeks to see if I am pregnant.

About two nights ago I had a dream that I found out that I was pregnant. The whole night I got to enjoy telling people the great news. Oscar would put his hand on my stomach and talk to it. It was amazing.

When I woke up, I started to cry. I was so sad that it was all over and that none of it was real. The past week I have been trying to do everything possible to take my mind off of our baby worries. I have thrown myself into all of my work. All systems were at 110% so that I wouldn't have to stop and stress about this taking longer than I had hoped.

All of that work wasted by one nights amazing dream.

I started to think that it was a sign from God. That maybe it was a vision of sorts telling me that I was pregnant.

So this morning I POAS. Nothing. One hundred percent not pregnant.

Maybe I need to "relax" better next week. No working like a mad women...I could go for a massage.

Happiness For Others

When I was growing up, I had a Sunday School teacher who struggled with infertility. I only knew this because I would listen to my mom talking with her about it...it wasn't a subject in class.

This woman had been married for a few years and had been trying since they got married to have a child. Living in South East Asia, it was hard to get a good OB/GYN. Over Christmas this year she announced that she was pregnant. It had been about 4 years since I had seen her last so I knew that she probably spent the better part of the last decade trying to have this baby.

Well about three days ago that baby was born and the out pouring of love is incredible. Every picture of this baby has 50+ comments on it. Because we had all felt the struggles and wanted this baby so bad for her. I think we all feel like we were a tiny part of this baby. It was as if, all of the happy thoughts and encouragement that we have been sending her way, has created this child.

For babies that come easy or when they are "accidents" people celebrate but with either disinterest or sympathy. When a baby is wanted for years and made through struggle, everyone can only feel happiness. They know that that baby was made with total intention and more understanding of the hugeness that is creating life.

Sometimes, I think we are blessed for that.

Advice From Those Who "Know"

Don't you love that wonderful unsolicited advice? I have tried to confide in my friends what I have been feeling and going through and they have been alright about it. They don't know exactly how I feel but they have tried to listen.

Well one of them called me up the other day because she was talking with her mom about me and her mom had some "great advice for me". Because she would know...she had 4 kids from two different men that she isn't married to anymore...so she would also be great for marriage advice.

"Once you stop stressing about wanting a baby, it will be easier to have one."

"Tons of people have adopted and then gotten pregnant. I've heard stories about it all the time. And it is because they finally stopped freaking out about it. Instead of adopting, you should just stop freaking out about it."

I don't know why she thinks that I am so stressed out. I don't feel that freaked out about it. I've only been trying to four months. I mean, the doctors don't want me to get worried until it has been a year. I want to get pregnant really badly...but I don't think I have reacted "freaking out".

I tried to remember this post and it really helped me not bite her head off. I know that she was trying to be helpful. I just want to say, "Well if I knew it was going to be that easy...I wouldn't have started this medication that gives me cramps that make me feel like puking every morning."

Website Button

I decided that I would make a little button for my website for all of you people who like my blog and want to follow it easier with a sexy little button....well...maybe not sexy.

<a href="http://phoebegonewilde.blogspot.com/"><img src="http://i979.photobucket.com/albums/ae276/hurricanegabby_photos/th__vector-dandelion-vector-preview-by.png" border="0" alt="Photobucket" ></a>

Hopefully you will think it is pretty cute and you'll put it on your blogs!! All you have to do is copy and paste the code to an HTML code box. Thanks so much! And happy reading!

Fur Babies- Training For Real Babies

When I got my first fur baby I knew that it would come with some responsibility but I didn't know that it would be like training for real babies. For the first time I had to start being completely responsible for another living thing. I had had pets growing up but this was different. If anything happened to Pippen, I was in charged of everything to fix things.

The first time I really felt like a mom to Pippen was when he got into some food he wasn't suppose to and he woke me up every two hours to tell me that he needed to go to the bathroom. I was up all night with the little guy.

This one time I came home from school and found that he had thrown up in his kennel and had been just sitting in it. I had to give him a bath and some Pepto bismal (The vet nurse on the phone suggested it like I was an idiot for not thinking of it myself.) and clean out his kennel.

We have a new fur baby now named Bambi. We rescued her from the shelter like we did with Pippen. She is a huge handful but I think I love her. I told my husband that I just needed some living things to take care of.

I like to think that there are lessons I have to learn before I can have children and I have to keep learning until I do. I know that lack of knowledge isn't the medical reason for my lack of children just yet but I don't think that learning more about myself and parenting is going to hurt any either.

A Better Mother Response

After I got the news about my cholesterol and started taking this new medication, I thought that it was time to try talking about PCOS with my mom again.

I told her about what the doctor told me and some extra facts that I had picked up along the way. Apparently sometime to think about what I told her before and thinking about it she realized a few things.

1) PCOS is a real thing that effects more than 1 in 15 women.

2) My grandmother was told that she would have problems getting pregnant because of cysts on her ovaries. (And she had 5 children with long periods of waiting in between.)

3) My mother herself had sporadic periods until she was 21 and her doctor put her on progesterone pills.

4) Doctors have told her that her testosterone levels have always been high.

Surprise Mom! You have PCOS! Or...had? Once her doctors gave her the progesterone her periods started to even out and then come on their own.

I think that once she realized that PCOS wasn't a sentence to childlessness for all eternity, she could cope with it better.

Because PCOS doesn't mean we will never have children. It only means that it is going to be harder and take much longer to hear that pitter patter.

All the Baby Bloggers

I've noticed that lately there have been more and more IF bloggers who have found themselves with a BFPositive!!! When I first started looking for blogs to follow I avoided IF bloggers who were pregnant like the plague. I didn't want to read about anybodies happy news. I was angry and sad and hurt. I only wanted to read blogs about people in my position.

I'm happy to say that I have grown a little. Now I don't see their pregnancies as something to feel anything but joy and hope for. I have heard their stories of struggles. I have walked in their shoes (only a short way) and know how badly they want this.

Now when they announce that they are "in the family way", I feel so happy that this could finally happen for them. I want to follow their pregnancy and send them happy thoughts and good vibes.

I hope that some day I can have bloggers like you cheering me on when I finally get knocked up.